Jeff Dunham: All Over the Map (2014 TV Special)
Jeff Dunham: Self, Walter, Bubba J, Achmed, Peanut, Jacques
Quotes
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[Jeff and Achmed are doing a show in Norway]
Achmed : Can we go to IKEA?
Jeff Dunham : This is Norway. IKEA's in Sweden.
Achmed : Oh, too bad. I wanted to give IKEA a new advertising slogan.
Jeff Dunham : And what's that?
Achmed : IKEA'l you!
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Jeff Dunham : [In Kuala Lumpur] After we booked this show, we were contacted by the Malaysian Ministry of Arts, History and Culture.
[boos from audience]
Jeff Dunham : And they asked me very nicely and sternly to not bring a certain character to the show tonight.
[boos]
Jeff Dunham : They even said "Please do not even mention his name." But I know that you people are here because you've seen stuff on YouTube and you're expecting to see a certain someone.
[cheers]
Jeff Dunham : However, I want to respect the request as I am a guest here but at the same time, you paid your money to see what you thought you were going to see. That certain person is not here. However, his brother is here. He is from France: please help me welcome Jacques, the French terrorist.
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[Jeff and Achmed are doing a show in the United Arab Emirates]
Achmed : Greetings, infid... er, uh, folks!
-
Jeff Dunham : Well Achmed, we've been going all over the place.
Achmed : We have.
Jeff Dunham : Do you know where we are?
Achmed : Well, we've been going so many places, I'd lost track.
[looks out at the audience]
Achmed : And we... um... um... what's with all the Jews?
Jeff Dunham : We're in Israel.
Achmed : [laughs] That's so funny, yeah, OK, Israel. Yeah, that's really funny.
[sees Jeff is serious]
Achmed : What?
Jeff Dunham : We're in Tel Aviv.
Achmed : [whimpers, shudders] As in Israeli army? Holy crap. Well, I'm already dead, what the hell.
-
Jeff Dunham : So explain what you do for a living.
Achmed : I am a Francais terroriste.
Jeff Dunham : A French terrorist?
Achmed : Oui, oui.
Jeff Dunham : So you strongly agree?
Achmed : No, I have to go wee-wee!
-
Achmed : [as Jacques Merde] Bonjour, American pig!
Jeff Dunham : So you're French?
Achmed : Oui, oui. C'est Francais.
Jeff Dunham : Uh-huh. And your name is Jacques?
Achmed : Oui, oui, Je m'apelle Jacques.
Jeff Dunham : And what is your last name?
Achmed : Merde.
[audience laughs]
Achmed : What are they laughing at? My name is Jacques Merde. I do not understand what they are laughing at.
Jeff Dunham : I think Merde is translated into...
[whispers in Achmed's ear]
Achmed : [shocked] I am Jack Shit?
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Peanut : I have a joke.
Jeff Dunham : All right.
Peanut : What do you call women in Ireland?
Jeff Dunham : I don't know, what do you call women in Ireland?
Peanut : You call them women, you chauvinist bastard!
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Jeff Dunham : Did you know that the very first x-ray was taken right here in Birmingham, England in 1896?
Achmed : Pah! You call it an x-ray; I call it a selfie.
[laughter]
Jeff Dunham : So what did you do today?
Achmed : I saw where they keep all those useless wax figures.
Jeff Dunham : Ah, Madame Tussauds Wax Museum.
Achmed : No, no. Parliament.
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Jeff Dunham : [to Walter] Did you know that Iceland has one of the highest life expectancies in the entire world?
Walter : I did not know that.
Jeff Dunham : Especially women.
Walter : Yeah?
Jeff Dunham : Yeah, here, a woman's average lifespan is ninety to a hundred years.
[long pause]
Walter : Send my wife home immediately! What is this, hell on Earth?
-
Jeff Dunham : [introduction] Five continents, twelve countries, nineteen cities, fifty thousand miles, five characters, one dead terrorist. We're all over the map.
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Jeff Dunham : Did you know they have the oldest tree in Norway, right here in Bergen?
Walter : Fascinating. If I wanted to see some old wood, I'd take a Viagra.
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Achmed : I love Dublin! I would never do anything evil to Dublin.
Jeff Dunham : Really?
Achmed : I'm afraid of the soccer fans.
-
Jeff Dunham : I read the other day that Scotland is actually the... I've saved this fact for you - the murder capital of Europe.
[laughter as Achmed looks around nervously]
Achmed : I didn't do it! I have nothing to do with this shit!
Jeff Dunham : Did you know bagpipes have existed in Scotland since the 14th century?
Achmed : That is probably about the time the murder rate went up.
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Achmed : Did you know that I think my mother was part Scottish?
Jeff Dunham : Why do you say that?
Achmed : Sometime she'd want to put me in Scottish clothing.
Jeff Dunham : Really?
Achmed : Oh, sure. She'd say "I kilt you".
[laughter]
Achmed : Kilt? Kilt? Get it? Kilt? "I kilt you"?
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[Jeff and Walter are doing a show in Liverpool]
Walter : You guys have all the crazy tourists wanting to see where the Beatles are from. You know, we in the U.S., we have the same thing with Elvis Presley: Graceland, in Memphis.
Jeff Dunham : Yeah?
Walter : Oh yeah. Shut up, no one cares here.
-
Bubba J : Do they have NASCAR in the UK?
[pronounces it "uck"]
Jeff Dunham : In the what?
Bubba J : In the UK?
[again pronounces it "uck"]
Jeff Dunham : No, it's UK.
[pronounces it correctly, as "U-K"]
Bubba J : Oh, you can spell.
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Peanut : Did you know that every single city in Iceland is named after the sound a cat makes when throwing up a hairball?
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Jeff Dunham : [to Bubba J] What do you think about Iceland?
Bubba J : Uh, do they have beer?
Jeff Dunham : Yeah.
Bubba J : My favorite place ever!
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[Jeff and Peanut are in England]
Peanut : I love this country because just about everything is double entendre.
Jeff Dunham : Like what?
Peanut : Oh, come on. Even the food: bangers and mash. Come on!
Jeff Dunham : That's sausages and potatoes.
Peanut : It sounds more like a male dance team. Or two guys dating. I don't want to be mash.
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Jeff Dunham : [to Walter, as they do a show in England] Have you learned anything since we've been here?
Walter : Uh, I've learned that the folks in Birmingham like to be called Brummies.
Jeff Dunham : Right.
Walter : So I took that knowledge forward. Unfortunately, the folks in Scotland do not like to be called Scummies. Oh, they got all pissed off. I don't know what the hell they were saying. Have you ever tried to talk to angry Scot? Good God!
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Jeff Dunham : [to Bubba J] You know, even though it's named Iceland, did you know that the winters here are fairly mild?
Bubba J : No. Guess they should've called it Chile.
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Jeff Dunham : Did you know golf was invented in Scotland?
Walter : [not impressed] Fascinating. Do you know what else was invented here? Being in public and yelling "SHIT!"
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Jeff Dunham : [to Bubba J] So what do you think about Dublin so far?
Bubba J : Oh, uh, uh, this is the land of beer.
Jeff Dunham : That's right.
Bubba J : I know we're going to Israel soon, but while we've been here in Dublin, I've seen pubs everywhere, so I'm pretty sure this is the Holy Land. And this is the biggest Alcoholics Anonymous meeting I've ever been to.
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Jeff Dunham : [to Walter] Did you see the O'Connell Bridge?
Walter : No, what's that?
Jeff Dunham : It's the only bridge in Europe that's as wide as it is long.
Walter : Oh, I married her. Is it a toll bridge?
Jeff Dunham : No.
Walter : Oh. Well, that's another thing my wife and the bridge have in common.
Jeff Dunham : How's that?
Walter : No one would ever pay to get across her, either.
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Jeff Dunham : [to Bubba J] I know a little fact: did you know that people in Scotland buy forty bottles of whiskey every second?
[long pause]
Bubba J : This is my favorite country ever.
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Walter : [as they do a show in Abu Dhabi] Holy crap.
[long pause; Walter laughs nervously]
Walter : Uh, you're not gonna...
[stammers and mumbles]
Jeff Dunham : What are you trying to say?
Walter : [stammers and mumbles some more, then whispers in Jeff's ear] No Achmed, no Achmed.
[the audience applauds]
Walter : Can you not frickin' see out there?
Jeff Dunham : I will talk to Achmed about this later.
Walter : [whimpers] Can I get in the box and get the fuck out first? It's not a good idea! We're not in Israel!
Jeff Dunham : I know.
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Jeff Dunham : [answering a question for Achmed submitted from the audience] "Dear Achmed, does Guinness go right through you?"
Achmed : [infuriated] You asshole! Yes! And so does potatoes, corn beef and fucking sunlight.
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Peanut : [in the middle of his set in the United Arab Emirates, an audience member stands up and leaves] Wait, wait! Come back, come back, come back! COME BACK! You're one of the guys I really want to love me!
[laughter; Peanut face-palms himself]
Peanut : Is it the red cape? Does that... is that... is there something wrong with that? Is it? Did I say "ham"?
[laughter]
Peanut : Oh, my god, your name is offensive.
[singsong]
Peanut : Dun-HAM! Is he coming back? Did he have to go...
[whispering]
Peanut : ...potty?
[laughter]
Peanut : Do you pick it up, or pull it down? Or is there a little flap?
[laughter; Jeff face-palms himself]
Jeff Dunham : I... I have no idea if we're offending anybody, just stop!
Peanut : I don't care; I go home in a suitcase.
[laughter]
Peanut : You're right. I'd better watch it, or you could be going home in a box, too.
-
Walter : You cannot speak Icelandic without moving your lips, I'm telling you. Think about it: there's no Icelandic ventriloquists, ever!
-
Walter : I think the folks of Iceland are geniuses.
Jeff Dunham : How's that?
Walter : They know how to keep it from getting overcrowded with foreigners.
Jeff Dunham : How's that?
Walter : Simply by naming the place "Iceland". It sounds like it'll freeze your ass off. Plus, it's easier to say than, uh, "Dark Long Winter Land Where the Weather Is Shit".
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Jeff Dunham : [to Bubba J] Did you know that South Africa has the largest brewery in the world?
[pause]
Bubba J : The largest brewery? I'm gonna write a letter: "My dearest wife, for reasons you will of course understand, I am never coming home."
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Jeff Dunham : Did you know in Singapore, you could get fined or caned for not flushing a toilet after using it?
Walter : And who the hell checks up on that? What do they the Shit Police? I am not kidding how the hell do they know?
Walter : Sniffs... Oh, that guy!
Walter : Is it a random check, or... or do they patrol the potties?
Walter : Shit duty.
Walter : Audience laughs
Walter : Hey Fred, are you investigating that murder today?
Walter : Nope.
Walter : I have a tip that we have a serial non-flusher
Walter : Audience laughs
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Walter : [about Mary Poppins] You know, I dated her for a while.
Jeff Dunham : You dated Mary Poppins?
Walter : Yes, I did.
Jeff Dunham : No.
Walter : Yeah, I did. We were very young.
Jeff Dunham : Oh, really?
Walter : Yeah, yeah. I was the first guy to get into her chim-chim-cheree.
[pause]
Walter : Kinda ruined things when, in the moment of passion, she started screaming some weird word. It was like "Super California... refrigerator expy delicious lotion", something like that. Pretty kinky chick, I'll tell you that much.
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Jeff Dunham : [to Peanut] I was telling one of the other guys, did you know that Norway means "path to the north"?
Peanut : That's interesting, because where we're from, Mexico means "pack your bags and start running north".
-
Achmed : [reading a letter to an audience member in Ireland] From Victor, it says, "Dear Achmed, would you help me propose to my girlfriend?"
[audience applauds]
Achmed : No. Next question.
[beat]
Achmed : I'm just kidding. Victor, can we turn on house lights, please? House lights. Okay, the guys that are working the lights that are smoking weed, turn on the fucking lights.
[a man and a woman in the audience stand up]
Achmed : There he is, okay. Victor, before you do this, think this through!
[Victor shakes his head no]
Achmed : Okay, all right, let's hear it.
[Victor is seen proposing to his girlfriend, who is apparently saying yes; audience cheers]
Achmed : Yeah!
[Victor and his girlfriend hug and kiss]
Achmed : This is the saddest thing I've ever seen! I asked your mommy to marry me, prompted by a dead terrorist. If you have kids, name the first one Achmed!
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Jeff Dunham : [to Bubba J] Have you seen the colors of the Icelandic flag?
Bubba J : Uh, no, I haven't seen it.
Jeff Dunham : There's red for the volcanic fires...
Bubba J : Oh, that's good.
Jeff Dunham : ...blue for the mountains in the distance...
Bubba J : Yeah...
Jeff Dunham : ...and white...
Bubba J : ...for the people.
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Walter : We're morons for naming our country the United States. Sounds way too welcoming. We should've called our country "Crazy Assholes With Guns".
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Jeff Dunham : [to Walter as they do a show in Iceland] Did you know that strip clubs are also illegal here?
Walter : Really?
Jeff Dunham : Right.
Walter : So if I wanted to see a naked woman, I have to take a six-hour flight to Scotland?
Jeff Dunham : Or, there's your wife.
Walter : Oh, that's true. In Iceland, it's legal to whale hunt.
Jeff Dunham : That's not nice.
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Jeff Dunham : [to Achmed] So have you enjoyed being here in Iceland?
Achmed : I hate the volcanoes!
Jeff Dunham : Why?
Achmed : Things blowing up naturally? If this gets popular, I'll be out of a job. If one goes off while I'm here, I'm taking credit for it.
[looks out toward audience]
Achmed : See that pile of smoke and ash? I did that.
[cackles]
Achmed : Tada!
-
Jeff Dunham : [to Bubba J] So do you know about the midnight sun?
Bubba J : Huh?
Jeff Dunham : The midnight sun?
Bubba J : Is that Norway's Batman?
Jeff Dunham : No, in the summer, some parts of Norway get 24 hours of sunlight.
Bubba J : [guffaws] What?
Jeff Dunham : They have 24 hours of sunlight.
Bubba J : Oh, that's almost a whole day.
