- Mary Cooper: When your mom gets back, I'm gonna need to apologize for the way I spoke to her.
- Penny: Well, come on, she did kinda start it.
- Mary Cooper: Doesn't matter. A good Christian would have turned the other cheek. On the other hand, a good Texan would have shot her, so I'll just split the difference.
- Sheldon Cooper: Leonard's mom is a renowned psychiatrist and woman of science. Can you please keep the Bible babble to yourself while she's here?
- Mary Cooper: Are you ashamed of me?
- Sheldon Cooper: Of course not. I love you. I'm just embarrassed by the things you believe, do and say.
- Mary Cooper: Well, I love you, too, my little bowl of lion chow.
- Penny: Leonard, what time does your mom's plane get in?
- Leonard Hofstadter: I don't know. Sometime tomorrow morning.
- Penny: Don't you want to know for sure?
- Leonard Hofstadter: No need to. As soon as she flies into California airspace, I'll feel a disturbance in the Force.
- Penny: You know, your mom's never been too thrilled with our relationship. Maybe I should get her something so she warms up to me.
- Leonard Hofstadter: If you could run out and get a PhD, that might make her like you.
- Penny: Really? It didn't work for you.
- Leonard Hofstadter: Even with your mother here, you are deliberately hogging all the attention from my mom. You're like one of those elephant seal pups that steals the milk from two mothers!
- Sheldon Cooper: Do you mean what marine biologists refer to as "super weaning"?
- Leonard Hofstadter: Yes, you are a super weaner!
- Sheldon Cooper: Well, now I have to correct you. As a bit of an elephant seal buff, the more accurate comparison would be when two mother seals actively seek to nourish the same pup. So I believe the term you're looking for is a double mother suckler
- Leonard Hofstadter: Yeah, you're right. That is the term I'm looking for. You are a dirty double mother suckler!
- Sheldon Cooper: Okay, well, now that we have the terminology straightened out, how dare you?
- Amy Farrah Fowler: It's so nice both of your moms are coming in to see you guys get an award.
- Sheldon Cooper: Well, my mother's been there for every honor I've won since I beat out my twin sister for the Did It on the Potty trophy.
- Mary Cooper: Well, I would have to say when he was thirteen and he tried to build a nuclear reaction in the tool shed.
- Sheldon Cooper: Ooh, this is a good one.
- Mary Cooper: Now, the first thing you need to know about Shelly is, ever since he was a little boy, he was always concerned with the well-being of others. And he didn't think it was fair for people to pay for electricity, so he was gonna power the entire town for free.
- Sheldon Cooper: Tell her about the uranium! Tell her about the uranium!
- Mary Cooper: Oh, well. Well, this is adorable. When he arranged to get some yellow-cake from Chad, I thought he was talking about twinkies from one of his friends.
- Sheldon Cooper: Yeah. But I wasn't, because I didn't have any friends.
- Mary Cooper: No. It turns out this little scallywag was trying to use my Visa card to buy uranium from an African warlord in the country of Chad.
- Bernadette Rostenkowski: Okay, I don't know when I became the mother to three lazy teenagers, but it stops today. You guys are cleaning the kitchen top to bottom.
- Raj Koothrappali: Hey, I don't even live here.
- Bernadette Rostenkowski: Yes or no, do you have clothes in my laundry right now?
- Raj Koothrappali: I do. And some of it's wool, so dry flat if possible.
- Dr. Beverly Hofstadter: I'm terribly sorry that I upset your mother.
- Sheldon Cooper: Oh, it's all right. She'll forgive you. She has to or she goes to hell.
- Leonard Hofstadter: Mom, tell Mary the story of how I made a Van der Graff generator out of our vacuum cleaner.
- Dr. Beverly Hofstadter: All right. He broke the vacuum cleaner.
- Mary Cooper: Interesting. You can believe that, but God filling an ark with animals two-by-two is nonsense.
- Sheldon Cooper: What did they feed the lions, Mother?
- Mary Cooper: The floating bodies of drowned sinners, of course.
- Leonard Hofstadter: I change my answer. It's amazing. It's hot. We can barely keep our hands off each other.
- Dr. Beverly Hofstadter: Seems odd to try and impress your mother with your sexual prowess. But then, you always did have that unresolved Oedipal complex.
- Dr. Beverly Hofstadter: It's a mother's job to make sure her child's self-esteem is not dependent on anyone's approval.
- Amy Farrah Fowler: Sure, his mom gets roses. When I want them, they're a "bouquet of severed plant genitals."
- Sheldon Cooper: You act like I didn't get you that mushroom log on Valentine's Day.
- Amy Farrah Fowler: He's right. Roses die, but a moist rotting log will pump out mushrooms for two or three magical years.
- Leonard Hofstadter: Not once did my mother ever give me any love or affection for just being myself. I always had to earn it.
- Mary Cooper: Oh, Leonard, I'm sure she loves you very much. In her own cold godless way.
- Penny: Yeah, and you certainly don't have to earn my love.
- Leonard Hofstadter: Thank you.
- Penny: Of course you already knew that when you bought me this princess-cut drill bit.
- Dr. Beverly Hofstadter: Come to Mommy.
- Penny: It's okay. Go ahead.
- [Beverly hugs Leonard awkwardly]
- Dr. Beverly Hofstadter: Oh, my son.
- Leonard Hofstadter: Oh, my mother.
- Penny: Oh, my God.
- Howard Wolowitz: It's time for me to act like an adult in this marriage. Starting with my husbandly duty of taking out the trash.
- [as he picks up the garbage bag, it breaks, spilling all the trash on the floor]
- Howard Wolowitz: Bernie, I made a mess!
- Howard Wolowitz: For a while everything was all vampires, now it's zombies. I wonder what the next big monster fad will be?
- Raj Koothrappali: We haven't had a good invisible man in a while.
- Stuart Bloom: Clearly you haven't seen me try to talk to a woman.