The Bronze (2015)

Melissa Rauch: Hope Ann Greggory

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Quotes 

• Lance : Hey, water boy, I can't drink that bottle of piss you gave me. Here's five bucks. Why don't you get me a Fiji, or something pH balanced? And if you're lucky, I'll let you taste my nuts. Hope's tasted my nuts before, right?

  Hope : Do not get that water, Twitchy.

  Lance : Are you winking at me?

  Ben : No.

  Lance : What, are we flirting right now? What's happening?

  Hope : Hey! Don't make fun of people with deformity problems.

  Ben : I'm actually not deformed. But it's not a problem. I'll go get the water, pH balanced, for men.

• Lance : Thank's Maggie. I think I've seen enough.

  Maggie : I think my camel toe's a little off.

  Lance : Excuse me?

  Hope : She's a bit of a perv.

• Hope : Why do you try to ruin everything that's good in my life? Really, Lance what the hell did I ever do to you?

  Lance : All of America talking about your fucking bronze. Third place. I won gold and silver and everyone got up for Hope's miracle. Well, because of you, I'm never gonna get that moment back and I'll damn make sure you won't either.

  Hope : I had no control of what people talk about. Take that up with the God of Gymnastics.

  Lance : I *am* the fucking God of Gymnastics! You're talking to fucking Zeus! I made my own destiny. And not on milking some pity vote for fame and glory over one lucky accident but by consistency of excellence. You think you're gonna show me up again? Hell fucking no. And pretty soon that beat up nostalgia train you've been riding since 2004 is gonna come to a pathetic, useless halt. Can't fucking wait.

• Hope : No. Get out!

  Maggie's boyfriend : What?

  Hope : No-boy rule. That's it. Get the fuck out. You'll see her in six months. Absence makes the dick grow harder. Maggie, get up here. Get up here, now.

  Maggie : Hope, I was just doing what you said.

  Hope : You better get ready to stop acting like a loser and start acting like a champion. You better not have gotten any clit jazz on my car.

• Lance : Here's a warning - you don't wanna fuck with me.

  Hope : I fuck with whoever I want whenever I want. I'll fuck with them so hard, I'll rip their taints in half. Then, I'll wear one part of the taint in a locket, around my neck; give the other half of the taint locket to your mom... to shove up her ass! Pretty soon after, at the whorehouse she whores around at, someone'll say to her, "Hey, Mrs. Tucker, what's that shiny little object coming out of your crack?" She'll be like, "Oh, this ass jewelry? Just spit shined it up. Hope Ann Gregory gave me that, as a reminder that my son's a fucking loser!"

• Hope : Early bird catches the sperm.

• Hope : Hey- Yo. Which one of you guys want to buy me a drink?

  Cute Guy at Bar : Laughs

  Hope : That's me.

  Cute Guy at Bar : That's you?

  Hope : Yep.

  Cute Guy at Bar : You look nice.

  Hope : I still, like, hardly ever get my period. So you don't gotta worry about knocking me up. You could fuck me all raw and shit.

  Cute Guy at Bar : Laughs Wow. So, if we buy you a drink...

  Hope : Will I let you double team me? Absolutely.

  Cute Guy at Bar : Could you just leave us alone?

• Hope : Scale of one to 10, that was a...

  Maggie : Yeah.

  Hope : When you're coming off your giant, your tuck is getting sloppy and your legs are separating.

• Hope : I'm not running home and telling my dad every time you get camel toe.

  Maggie : What's camel toe?

  Hope : Just a pro term for sticking a landing.

• Stan : We're not done here. I'm setting boundaries. No more allowance.

  Hope : Are you insane? Why are you insane?

  Stan : Hope Annabelle, let's de-escalate, shall we?

  Hope : You're cutting off my allowance and you want me to stop stealing? What kind of a sick monster are you?

  Stan : Do not call me a monster.

• Dominique Moceanu : So, Coach, Maggie's heading into her final signature event. And although it's a tight race, it appears as if a spot on the podium is Maggie's to lose.

  Hope : Yep.

  Dominique Moceanu : Well, it was 12 years ago when you yourself were here. Both of you from the same small town, it looks as if Amherst, Ohio, will have a new hometown hero. How do you feel about sharing that legacy? Coach?

  Hope : We share a few things, right, Dominique? Right? Like that Brazilian javelin thrower? He knew how to throw a javelin. You were an animal that night.

  Dominique Moceanu : Um well...

• Hope : Shut your cockhole.

  Maggie : My what?

  Hope : Don't worry about it.

• Hope : You only give me $500 a week, so I'm forced to steal! If you cut off my allowance, I'm gonna have to suck dicks in a Cost Final bathroom for money! Is that what you want, Dad? Do you want me to suck on dirty dicks in a discount warehouse toilet?

  Stan : Look, I never said that dirty dicks were the solution here. Why do you need all this money if I'm paying for the roof over your head?

• Matt : Hey, Hope.

  Hope : Take these.

  Matt : Okay.

  Hope : Any new stuff in the back?

  Matt : Yeah, totally. It's supposed to be bomb-ass shit. He said it was government grade. I don't know if that means that the government grows it, or maybe they just grade it?

  Hope : Stop you right there. Do not talk about politics. It's crass. You're gonna lose a lot of customers.

  Matt : But you don't... You don't pay me.

• Stan : Hello?

  Hope : Hey, it's me. Guess who the new team coordinator is. Lance The Fucker Tucker.

  Stan : Who?

  Hope : The guy who popped my cherry.

  Stan : Don't give him that power, honey. Remember, you're a gymnast and your hymen broke without the help of a man.

  Hope : Fine. The one who was the first to fuck me. He said he's gonna take Maggie away from me 'cause the little cunt blew her routine.

  Stan : No. What? Why did she blow her routine?

  Hope : Because she sucks!

• Ben : Pretty strict diet.

  Hope : That's nothing. I once ate nothing but watermelon juice for a month. I had to reteach my jaw how to chew.

• Hope : Throughout history, those who are truly great, have stepped up. Just like all of you. You give me a smile or a wave. Or sometimes you break the celebrity boundary and come up to me, tell me about where you were on the day I made this country proud. There is a reason I call this town my home. 'Cause you fuckers remind me of who I am. And who I can be. I am... Coach Hope.

• Hope : Sometimes we hurt people when we're balls deep in our own bullshit.

• Hope : Mountain Dew, large.

  Counter Boy : Diet?

  Hope : Did I say diet?

  Counter Boy : Sorry. Most girls order diet. Okay. That comes to $9.30.

  Hope : Oh... no, it doesn't.

  Tony : No, no, no. She's on the house. Don't you know who this is?

  Hope : You tell him, Tony.

  Tony : Check the wall, son.

  Hope : Yeah. Check the wall, son.

  Counter Boy : You used to be way skinnier.

• Hope : Now, close your eyes.

  Maggie : Are we praying? I love that. Let's hold hands.