Noah Antwiler credited as playing...
The Spoony One • Fortuneteller
- Nostalgia Critic: Uwe Boll, the most faithful movie adaptor of video games since the directing team behind Super Mario Bros, returns with what many consider his crowning achievement of shit: Bloodrayne.
- The Spoony One: The movie, based on the classic videogame - And by based, I mean more gangbanged and mutilated than a Game of Thrones character - once again demonstrates Boll's talent, if you can call it that, for cutting more corners than a paper snowflake.
- Linkara: We have something we need to address first. The elephant in the room, which of course, is him!
- [points at Spoony]
- The Spoony One: Wh-What did I do?
- Linkara: Oh, you know exactly what you did! It happened a few years ago! The drama that was caused! Everything that happened on Twitter, on Facebook, on everything like that! The betrayal of everything that we stand for! Roll the clip!
- [the clip in question is of the Alone in the Dark review. The camera zooms in on Spoony's shirt which says Castleton]
- Linkara: You never went to Castleton!
- The Spoony One: I dropped out, okay?
- Nostalgia Critic: [to the camera] This is Bloodrayne.
- [the movie's logo pops up during the opening titles]
- The Spoony One: Dude, do we have to censor the lettering? Those two 'o's are looking pretty phallic.
- Nostalgia Critic: Hey, if the Aliens logo could get away with an I-gina, I think we can let that pass.
- The Spoony One: The main thing I notice throughout this movie is it just seems like Michael Madsen is drunk off his ass through the entire film shoot. Seriously, he just looks so drunk and miserable like they had to send a grip to his trailer and clean him up in a hurry, slap that ratty ass wig on his head and maybe get a couple usable takes out of him.
- [Sebastian has just staked a vampire through the heart right in the middle of a bar but nobody else seems bothered]
- Bartender (Razvan Popa): Heh. I like you Brimstone people. You never make a mess of the place.
- Vladimir (Michael Madsen): What have you heard?
- [the Three Schmuckheads look on, confused]
- Bartender (Razvan Popa): What might only be a tall tale...
- Nostalgia Critic: Moving on, I guess?
- Linkara: Nobody even batted an eye.
- The Spoony One: Is this like an everyday thing?
- Nostalgia Critic: Since when did killing a vampire become yesterday's news?
- Linkara: Yeah, I don't care where or when you are - and then again, neither does Uwe Boll - but killing a vampire will never be a boring thing!
- [Cinema Snob comes in and joins the gang, hands covered in blood]
- Cinema Snob: Guys, guys! Holy shit, you won't believe it! I just killed a vampire!
- The Spoony One: Was it a 'Nazi' vampire?
- Cinema Snob: Well, technically, no, but...
- Nostalgia Critic: Oh please, Cinema Snob. Everybody knows that Nazi vampires are all the rage now.
- Linkara: Yeah, what you did is like the Bing search engine of vampire killings.
- Cinema Snob: But he killed a family of six!
- The Spoony One: [snobbish voice] Go away, Cinema Snob. I can't even stand to look at you.
- [the three of them turn their heads away from him]
- Cinema Snob: Okay... I guess I can drop his clothes off at the Goodwill or something.
- The Spoony One: You do that.
- [Linkara waves Cinema Snob off]
- Nostalgia Critic: Noob.
- [Rayne's skin burns when it touches water]
- Linkara: Wait a minute, was that holy water?
- Nostalgia Critic: Nope.
- Linkara: Then how the hell did it burn her?
- Nostalgia Critic: Oh-ho-ho-ho, Linkara. This is the Stephanie Meyer age of vampires. You can make up anything! If you wanna say water hurts them even though it's not blessed, it's okay now!
- The Spoony One: Yeah, if you wanna say they in no way can fly, turn into bats or do most of the cool things vampires can do, that's okay now, too!
- Linkara: Oh, I see. And if people travel for miles to see one as an attraction, yet nobody turns their head when one is stabbed and violently decomposes in front of their eyes...
- Nostalgia Critic, The Spoony One: It's totally okay!
- Linkara: Now I know!
- [Looks at the camera]
- The Spoony One: And knowing makes it even more confusing.
- [the vampire hunters arrive to the carnival and begin decapitating Rayne's victims]
- Nostalgia Critic: Um, thank you for chopping off the heads of our dead people.
- [the bodies are doused in oil, then set on fire]
- Nostalgia Critic: And then burning their bodies.
- Amanda (Madalina Constantin): She didn't mean to bite me!
- [Amanda is then stabbed]
- Nostalgia Critic: And stabbing our performers. I'm sorry, have you been helped?
- The Spoony One: Seriously, do these people ever react to anything? Why does nobody care that these whackos are chopping up their dead and living cast members?
- Linkara: Just another fad gone passé, I guess.
- [Cinema Snob comes back in, now having his face covered in blood]
- Cinema Snob: Guys, guys! I just decapitated twenty corpses and stabbed an injured woman through the chest. No reason, really; I'm just kinda sick!
- The Spoony One: Were they ninja decapitated corpses?
- Cinema Snob: I didn't ask what their martial arts background was.
- Nostalgia Critic: Oh, Snob. Everyone knows if there's decapitated corpses we're talking about, it's NINJA decapitated corpses!
- Linkara: Does this guy ever wake up?
- The Spoony One: They sneak without thought, man!
- Cinema Snob: But I have a thirst for blood that can't be quenched!
- The Spoony One: [snobbish voice] Away with you, Snob. You become more dated with every passing view.
- [the guys turn their heads away from him]
- Cinema Snob: Why won't someone help me?
- [Linkara pushes him off the couch]
- [Spoony, dressed as a Fortune teller, deals out tarot cards to Tamara dressed as Rayne]
- Fortuneteller: Your father is evil.
- Rayne: No, he just likes to drink the blood of Catholic nuns.
- Fortuneteller: He was mean to your mother.
- Rayne: What man wouldn't disembowel his wife for spilling the sugar?
- Fortuneteller: You like to watch the Pawn Stars.
- Rayne: That is a lie! It is so obviously scripted. Who could be as stupid as Chumlee? You are a fraud. A fraud!
- [Cinema Snob, still covered in blood, sits before the fortune teller]
- Cinema Snob: It's getting worse. I just bit the neck of a prostitute and no one seems to notice.
- Fortuneteller: Was it a zombie prostitute?
- Cinema Snob: What the Hell is wrong with everyone?
- The Spoony One: Hey, here's an obvious question. What if the person getting the Eye wasn't a vampire? I mean, okay, the whole "vampires melt in water" thing is stupid already but what if it wasn't a vampire that got it, though? What if it was just a normal guy? Would the water really be that big a threat?
- Monk (Udo Kier): Why do you think water no longer burns you?
- Linkara: Still wondering how it hurts her to begin with! The human body is 60% water, and blood is 80% water! Now how the hell...
- Nostalgia Critic: No no no no, Linkara. You're thinking too hard about this. Just let it go.
- Linkara: B-but it just doesn't add up!
- The Spoony One: Just keep telling yourself it's Uwe Boll, man.
- [He then does some breathing exercises]
- The Spoony One: It's Uwe Boll. In, it's Uwe Boll. Out.
- Linkara: This movie is driving me crazy!
- The Spoony One: Oh come on, Linkara, you gotta calm down now. Remember what we talked about. Uwe Boll. In out, Uwe Boll.
- [Linkara can't take it anymore]
- Linkara: ADAMANTIUM RAGE!
- [He then punches Spoony in the face]
- The Spoony One: [Holding his face] Oww! Oh crap!
- Linkara: [Calmer] Ah, that did make me feel better, actually.
- Domastir (Will Sanderson): Where is the Eye?
- [the monk remains silent, even as he's stabbed in the heart, killing him]
- The Spoony One: [VO as Domastir] Perhaps killing you will get you to answer my question!
- Nostalgia Critic, Linkara: Is that Meat Loaf?
- The Spoony One: Yep.
- Linkara: Wearing a 19th century powdered wig?
- The Spoony One: Yep.
- Nostalgia Critic: Surrounded by whores and giving a performance more over-the-top than a kabuki pole vaulter?
- The Spoony One: Yep.
- Nostalgia Critic: Oh my god!
- Linkara: This is comedy overload!
- Nostalgia Critic: We need time to get all our jokes together! Pen, paper!
- [Spoony hands the pens and paper. The guys start writing their own jokes and giggling along with them]
- Nostalgia Critic: We'll be right back! We just need time to get all these jokes out and organized!
- [Cut to commercial break]
- Nostalgia Critic: Okay. so, we have had plenty of time to put together our meat loaf jar. So, let's shake it up and see what we can get.
- Nostalgia Critic: Ladies and gentlemen, Wolfgang Amadeus Meat Loaf.
- The Spoony One: How is it he managed to find a role more demeaning than bitch tits?
- Linkara: Suddenly, his role in Spice World is looking like a step up.
- Nostalgia Critic: Just because you didn't wear women's clothing in Rocky Horror doesn't mean you have a perfectly good excuse to wear it here.
- The Spoony One: We know you're prostituting yourself to be in this movie, but you didn't have to make it quite so obvious.
- Linkara: It's midnight at the lost and pray-to-god not found.
- The Spoony One: This movie sucks.
- Nostalgia Critic: Could've used a lot more imagination on that one, come on.
- The Spoony One: we were reaching the end of the break. I panicked.
- Linkara: Actually, they were just buying the clothes. It just so happened Meat Loaf came with them.
- Nostalgia Critic: A meatloaf a day keeps the subtley away.
- The Spoony One: I still like this movie better than To Catch a Yeti.
- Linkara: and finally...
- Nostalgia Critic: I WOULD DO ANYTHING FOR BOIL; BUT I WILL NOT ACT!
- Linkara: I WOULD DO ANYTHING FOR BOIL; BUT I WILL NOT ACT!
- The Spoony One: I WOULD DO ANYTHING FOR BOIL; BUT I WILL NOT ACT!