Bottom Fluff (1996 Video)

Adrian Edmondson: Self

Quotes 

• Rik Mayall : [On stage before recording, holding a microphone]  Thank you. Why did the pervert cross the road? Cause he couldn't get his knob out of the chicken! Thank you. Eddie?

  [Hands over the microphone] 

  Adrian Edmondson : That's right it was me. I'd just like to say, Fucking, cunty, bollocks. Because these are the words we are not allowed to use in the show, so we get them out of the way now, and get the show out of the way, and we can start talking like real people again. Thanks a fucking lot!

  Rik Mayall : Laugh a lot or we'll come round to your houses tonight and shag ya to death! Thank you.

• Adrian Edmondson : Okey-dokey, matey bloke, flap, sonny Jim, old foe, fucking, bastard, bollocky, cunt!

  [Audience laughs] 

  Rik Mayall : He knew it once.

  Adrian Edmondson : I've known that all week.

• Rik Mayall : [Holding a drink bottle]  What's in this?

  Adrian Edmondson : Brandy.

  Rik Mayall : Good.

  Adrian Edmondson : Meths, Pernod, brake fluid... oh fuck, I've forgotten my lovely, witty list of things! Oh bastard! Oh cunt!

  Rik Mayall : Please, Edwin.

  [Wipes sweat off himself] 

  Rik Mayall : [to audience]  What does a man with a two-foot cock have for breakfast? This morning I had a boiled egg.

• Adrian Edmondson : Of course there's something outside, Richie. You can't expect the universe and its entire contents to be constained, oh fuck, bastard, bollocky bums!

  Rik Mayall : He couldn't do it in rehearsals either!

• Rik Mayall : And so the bloke runs into the bank and says to the girl "Stick 'em up!" She says "Righty-ho, matey boy." and sellotapes his bollocks to the ceiling.

  Adrian Edmondson : That's true I was the bloke.

  Rik Mayall : I was one of the bollocks.

  Adrian Edmondson : You always have been.

• Adrian Edmondson : We can't go on like this! Why did they take the telly away?

  Rik Mayall : You know very well why they took the telly away.

  Adrian Edmondson : No I don't.

  Rik Mayall : Yes you do, Edward Hitler. They took the telly away, because, according to you, while you were wending your merry way down to the telly shop... oh, I forgotten my words, bugger!

• Lisa Maxwell : Here's her phone number, Duke Richard and the very best of luck.

  Rik Mayall : Thank you very much indeed.

  Adrian Edmondson : And what have you got for me?

  Lisa Maxwell : Sarah Ferguson.

  Adrian Edmondson : Do you mind, I'm a respectable man! Come Eddie... Richie!

  [Audience laughter] 

• Rik Mayall : Look at that policeman over there!

  Adrian Edmondson : Which one?

  Rik Mayall : The one jumping up and down, waving his arms.

  Adrian Edmondson : The one that's on fire?

  Rik Mayall : Yeah.

  Adrian Edmondson : Now he's got no-one to blame but himself, it was him that started it all by appealing for calm.

  Rik Mayall : Is it? Provocative bastard!

  Adrian Edmondson : [pause]  I've forgotten my fucking lines!

  Rik Mayall : Oo-er, good start!

• Adrian Edmondson : Hey! I've just had an idea! Why don't we stick him on a bus?

  Rik Mayall : Yeah! No, no good, the conductor would notice when he didn't pay his fare.

  Adrian Edmondson : No, no, why don't we stick him *on* a bus?

  Rik Mayall : Because the conductor would notice when he didn't pay his fare!

  Adrian Edmondson : I mean on the roof!

  Rik Mayall : [Roars]  You don't get conductors on the roof!

  Adrian Edmondson : That's what makes the plan so flawless! And I don't know my next line.

• Adrian Edmondson : No, but my auntie used to work in a prison.

  Rik Mayall : Oh really? What did he do?

  Adrian Edmondson : [laughs]  You're really flexible, aren't you?

• Rik Mayall : Eddie, are you seriously suggesting that we kill this poor, defenseless burglar without any trial or anything, just so we can live the high life in the bah..bah... oh bollocks!

  Adrian Edmondson : I don't think I've been there.

  Rik Mayall : I have!

• Rik Mayall : What sort of hotel do you call this?

  Gareth Marks : A full one.

  Rik Mayall : Yeah, good answer.

  Adrian Edmondson : Yes, well done.

  Rik Mayall : That's where the line comes in.

  [laughter from audience] 

  Rik Mayall : They clap if you fuck up.

• Lisa Maxwell : I see, you want someone homely, with cooking skills, fun to be with... and a wazzo pair of jugs?

  Rik Mayall : But obviously we're flexible.

  Adrian Edmondson : But not about the jugs.

  Rik Mayall : No, we have to be firm on the jugs.

  Adrian Edmondson : And the jugs have to be very firm.

  Rik Mayall : Oh, come off it, Ed, there must be more to life, I shouldn't have said "Ed", should I?

  Adrian Edmondson : No, you cunt.

• Rik Mayall : The fact that you stank of whiskey, and your shirt front displayed a lurid example of... oh bum! Sorry.

  Adrian Edmondson : Lurid example of a bum?

  Rik Mayall : It's such a long speech.

• Rik Mayall : Oh go on, have another Hob-Nob.

  Adrian Edmondson : Doh, you are evil!

  Rik Mayall : Don't you start on me! Oh, it's just so good to get your feet up, isn't it?

  Adrian Edmondson : No, I'm not that pervy.

  Rik Mayall : Are you not?

  Adrian Edmondson : No. You know, I've forgotten my next line. Bugger.

• Rik Mayall : Shopping list, shopping list. I'll go grab hold of my ballpoint. Oo-er!

  Adrian Edmondson : [Glass shatter off-screen]  Oh no, Richie! No time for crap double entendres. Curry's window's just blown, they've thrown a policeman through it.

  Rik Mayall : Have they? Right, banzai baby! Balaclavas on and let's go shopping!

  [Reaches behind him] 

  Rik Mayall : I can't find my fucking balaclava!

• Adrian Edmondson : [Looking under the fridge]  Looks like that missing blackmail nudie snap of Desmond Lynam. At that illegal Malibu and Paracetamol all-nighter, that you couldn't get to, remember? Because you were at your auntie's, poodle's circumcision bash, do you remember me telling you?

  Rik Mayall : No.

  Adrian Edmondson : Oh.

  [Looks again] 

  Adrian Edmondson : Cor! Look! Oh God! No wonder they call him the anchorman!

  Rik Mayall : Well, come on, Eddie, give me a hand to lift the fridge! I wanna get a glimpse of Dessie's... oh bollocks, fuck, I knew I'd forget that!

• Rik Mayall : [Takes milk bottle from the fridge]  Thank God I remembered!

  [Throws bottle out of window, roar of pain from below] 

  Rik Mayall : Sorry, constable! Oh well, that's charming, isn't it! It's no wonder they all make programmes like The Bill to take the piss out of you! Alright Eddie, how are you doing?

  Adrian Edmondson : Erm... .that's the wrong feed.

  Rik Mayall : Bollocks.

• Adrian Edmondson : [Impersonating Paul Nicholas]  "Ello, Pen. Fancy a shag?" Eight series and he never said it.

• Adrian Edmondson : Can I drink your juice?

  Rik Mayall : [Repulsed look, then realizes what Eddie means]  Oh! Oh yes, of course, go ahead! I think I'm going mad this morning!

  Adrian Edmondson : [Adrian drinks the juice and waits]  There's been another fuck up.

  Rik Mayall : Wasn't me.

  Adrian Edmondson : And it wasn't me, it was something else.

• Adrian Edmondson : [Ryan swigs from a bottle]  I pissed in that one.

  Christopher Ryan : After me.

  Adrian Edmondson : "A cocktail, how delightful. A real *cock* tail as well."

  [Takes a peanut from the top of the television] 

  Adrian Edmondson : That's buggered continuity.

• Rik Mayall : Hey, why don't we use your vest as a net?

  Adrian Edmondson : Would I have to be in it?

  Rik Mayall : Oh, come on, I know what I'm doing. My grandfather was a trawlerman, you know.

  Adrian Edmondson : Is that what they called them in those days, was it?

  Rik Mayall : All right, that'll do. Come on, give us the vest.

  [Eddie removes his string vest] 

  Rik Mayall : Okay, get the stove piping hot, knowing me there'll be a few hundred pound of mackerel flapping about on the shore before yo... fflfhgfgdffh... bollocks... blfgbflbfl...

  Adrian Edmondson : Blblfgfgfl... bollocks. Am I gonna have to put that fucking vest under my shirt again?