Mike Jeavons: Mike J.

Quotes 

• [last lines] 

  Mike J. : Like I said at the start, it's a paint-by-numbers M.K. and A movie; it's probably appealing to tweens, but for everyone else who has to sit through it, it's a difficult movie to do so. So if you'll excuse me, I'm off to go and watch England win the World Cup, because it's guaranteed to happen. It's our year!

  [kisses his football shirt] 

• [first lines] 

  Mike J. : Hello, I'm a British person, and the World Cup is just around the corner. And what better way to celebrate than by watching the Olsen Twins pretend they know how to play football. Actually, there are many better ways to celebrate that, like by using a cheese grater on my testicles. I'm not doing that. So let's dive right into...

  [pulls out the cheese grater] 

  Mike J. : OK, I'll do it!

  [grates his testicles before continuing on with the review] 

  Mike J. : I'm gonna dive right in anyway. Switching Goals is a 1999 made-for-TV movie starring Mary Kate and Ashley Olsen, who made about 500 films around that time, which were made purely by hitting Ctrl/C and Ctrl/V. They usually revolve around Mary K and A - as I'm gonna call them from now on - being polar opposites, somehow ending up in a "fish out of water" scenario and falling in love with a boy. Which is exactly what happens here.

  [continues grating his testicles before resuming the review]