- Stewie Griffin: [Stewie sees an alternate view of the theme song from before he was born and comments on Lois] She is cameltoeing the hell out of that leotard.
- Lois Griffin: Oh no, Stewie's havin' a tantrum. Come here, sweetie.
- [Stewie bites her thumb]
- Lois Griffin: Ow! Screw you, you little turd!
- Nigel: Sir, it's 6 P.M., and you're still in your 5:45 tuxedo.
- Stewie Griffin: Nigel, yesterday I saw you smile. Is that something I need to bring up with my father?
- Nigel: I was just imagining my own death, sir.
- Lois Griffin: Happy birthday, Stewie! And here's your equal attention cake, Peter!
- Peter Griffin: Yay!
- [blows out both cakes' candles]
- Stewie Griffin: Oh, come on!
- Peter Griffin: Yay, double wishes!
- [a meteorite lands on Meg]
- Peter Griffin: One.
- [the meteorite splits to reveal a Snickers bar]
- Peter Griffin: Two.
- Brian Griffin: Stewie, just watch your show upstairs.
- Stewie Griffin: I don't want to watch it upstairs on the small TV, I want to watch it downstairs on the big TV.
- [his face turns red as he starts crying]
- Stewie Griffin: I want to watch my show!
- Meg Griffin: [enters the living room] What's all that noise?
- [sees Stewie upset]
- Meg Griffin: Aw, do you want a hug from your big sister?
- [picks Stewie up and is headbutted]
- Meg Griffin: Ow!
- Peter Griffin: Chris, look! Mom's naked!
- Chris Griffin: Where?
- Peter Griffin: [smacking Chris with his mattress] You creep.
- [Chris crashes into and breaks the TV]
- Stewie Griffin: No!
- Lois Griffin: Peter, what's going on in...
- Peter Griffin: [smacking Lois with the mattress] Unga bunga!
- Stewie Griffin: [to Peter who wants to play "Unga Bunga" in the living room with Chris] Go away! This is why Zillow estimates our house at four dollars!
- Announcer: We now return to Jeremy Piven as the Incredible Hulk.
- Jeremy Piven: You wouldn't like me when I'm angry.
- Guy #1: I don't like you *now*.
- Brian Griffin: Peter's using all the outlets.
- Peter Griffin: [All the toasters are plugged in and pop at once] Toast House!
- Stewie Griffin: Can I see Mommy now?
- Nanny: There, there you're born now. That's enough of this Mommy Nonsense!
- [Leaves him]
- Stewie Griffin: Not even a stuffed bear to hug?
- Brian Griffin: Knock, knock. Stewie? Hey, I just wanted to check on how you're doing, buddy. You put on quite a show last night.
- Stewie Griffin: I am done with this family. They don't deserve me. They're all just... Oh, you dick, you just came in to charge your phone.
- Stewie Griffin: I hate you! You always ruin everything! God, it's a family of idiots! I wish... I wish I was never born!
- [to Rupert]
- Stewie Griffin: Not tonight, Rupert. I'm much too upset.