Intrigue

Jess fears someone is trying to sabotage her first middle school dance and she enlists the gang to help her chaperone on the big night.

Cece helps Jess prepare for her school dance, the theme of which is "love is forever and ever and ever and..."to infinity, but she could only fit 12 evers on the sign. Cece thinks it'll be hard for Jess after her break-up with Nick, but Jess is just focused on giving the kids the best dance she can.

Schmidt, Coach and Winston return and line up to hug Jess, whether she needs it or not.

Sitting in their bathroom as a steam room (with the shower running), Nick tells Schmidt he's trying to eat healthy after the break-up, lots of salads, which he defines as chopped up pieces of ham. He's having a hard time. He and Jess are managing by agreeing they can't be in a room together alone without Winston, because he naturally kills the sexual tension.

Winston comes in and mentions that his sweat smells like asparagus, which Schmidt agrees killed any sexual tension in the room. Nick is surprised to learn there was any.

At school, Jess tries to give the teachers a pep talk to volunteer for the school dance. She made them trucker hats saying "chaperone." They are not enthused.

Coach psyches himself up, announcing that if those kids "wanna bang, they're going to have to bang through me!"

Out in the hall, Jess talks to a misfit young girl named Wendy, who is wearing a t-shirt with a shark lunging out of it. Jess tries to get Wendy excited for the dance her mother is making her go to. She plans to wear the shark shirt.

At the bar, Schmidt gives Cece a hard time for dating the 20-year-old Buster, whom she says is more of a man than any of them because he's well-traveled and builds boats with his hands.

"Earning a respectable wage, wearing a proper hanging pair of slacks, ordering sushi like a sick ass boss, these are the things that a man maketh," Schmidt announces.

"So, stupid stuff that you do," Cece says.

At the school, Jess arrives for the dance and finds the gym door chained shut. The teachers show up and bail immediately, so she calls Cece and the guys for back-up chaperones.

The gang arrives and Cece takes the lock off with a tire iron. The dance is back on. Coach addresses the guys to prepare them for the meanness of pre-pubescent teens. Schmidt is assigned to the snack table, and making sure diabetic Amy only has four cookies. Winston is supposed to make sure there are six inches of space between all kids on the dance floor. Coach doesn't think Nick is chaperone material, so he sends him to the parking lot to wrangle stragglers.

In the gym, Winston can't help but bust a few moves to "Call me Maybe," catching the eye of a bunch of too-young hormonal girls.

At the snack table, Schmidt admonishes: "Let's use the serving tongs, this isn't Appalachia." When he hears a kid insulting a fat kid he tries to intervene, but only ends up withering under the mean kids insults.

Then, the lights go out. Jess checks the fuse box and they find paste. They see the biology teacher skulking in the dark. Jess and Cece try to interrogate him, thinking he's the culprit. He insists Jess is the only one who wanted the dance, but someone else is sabotaging it.

Out in the parking lot, Nick finds two kids possibly up to no good. He tries to buddy up to them and prove his coolness by drinking one of the kid's sodas.

Inside, Schmidt tries to talk to the bully, and ends up challenging him to a foot race in the parking lot. Winston is getting trailed by a pack of giggling pre-teen.

Jess is upset the dance isn't going the way she wanted.

Outside, Nick is turning into a 12-year-old and suggests to his new pals that they go get burgers and pick up girls, of different ages. They reveal their gigantic firecracker. He warns them it's really dangerous, and then tells them to run as he lights it.

In the bathroom, Jess finds Wendy coming out of a stall with an armload of toilet paper. Wendy admits she was trying to ruin the dance because none of the boys want to dance with her. Cece joins them and Jess assures Wendy that boys can be really dumb and disappointing, but it's all worth it.

Out in the parking lot, "the Hebrew cheetah" prepares to race the bully, who takes off early. Winston runs to escape the pack of girls. They end up running next to Nick in a shopping cart being pushed by the punks. They all run into Coach, who whistles the entire pack to dissipate.

With the kids runs off, Coach tells the guys they're the worst chaperones ever. "A plant wearing underwear would be better than you. Ray Charles ghost would be better than you. What kind of men are you?"

Jess comes out looking for stupid boys.

Inside, Cece beat boxes as Schmidt performs the worst rap ever about wearing teal. Nick asks if there's anyone from Chicago in the house to crickets and Winston actually drops a few bars, but they turn dark quickly. Someone busts out a beat box and we fade out on Jess and the gang dancing like kids with a bunch of kids.