Silicon Valley (TV Series)

The Cap Table (2014)

Martin Starr: Bertram Gilfoyle

Quotes 

• Jared : So, um, can you kinda catch me up on what you see as your role in the company? What do you do?

  Gilfoyle : What do I do? System architecture, networking and security. No one in this house can touch me on that.

  Jared : Okay, that's good to know.

  Gilfoyle : But does anybody appreciate that? While you were busy minoring in gender studies and singing a capella at Sarah Lawrence, I was gaining root access to NSA servers. I was one click away from starting a second Iranian Revolution.

  Jared : I actually went to Vassar.

  Gilfoyle : I prevent cross-site scripting. I monitor for DDoS attacks, emergency database rollbacks, and faulty transaction handlings. The Internet - heard of it? - transfers half a petabyte of data minute; do you have any idea how that happens? All those YouPorn ones and zeroes streaming directly to your shitty little smartphone day after day, every dipshit who shits his pants if he can't get the new dubstep Skrillex remix in under twelve seconds? It's not magic, it's talent and sweat. People like me ensure your packets get delivered unsniffed. So what do I do? I makes sure that one bad config on one key component doesn't bankrupt the entire fucking company. That's what the fuck I do.

  Richard : ...That's basically what I told him.

  Gilfoyle : Listen, wherever we end up here I just wanna say that I feel I should get more equity than Dinesh.

• Gilfoyle : I entice the flesh, I don't pay for it. Plus, Tara's coming into town in a couple weeks. I'm saving up all my humors for her. You know what I mean?

  [Looks at Dinesh] 

  Gilfoyle : What's your excuse?

  Dinesh Chugtai : I didn't even shake a woman's hand until I was 17-years-old. The idea of getting an erection around men I live and work with, it's just not something I can handle. The idea that I have a boner and you have a boner and he has a boner and we're all sitting there with boners in our pants