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When you go into a movie called Bikini Swamp Girl Massacre you have to keep your expectations low, in fact because of it being a Troma/Lloyd Kauffman production I went in with no expectations at all.

I assumed it would be a mindless poorly made slasher flick with high t&a levels. I was mistaken, the t&a levels are oddly low.................that's all I was mistaken about.

The most shocking thing is the reported budget, 50 million. This simply cannot be right, not just because it looks like hell but because I don't think that every Troma movie combined would come close to that figure.

It looks terrible, the camera work is laughable and the cast are so forgettable I never even picked up on their names and just referred to them in my head as Brunette 1, Brunette 2, Blonde, Bald Guy etc.

The overwhelming Troma incompetence is on full display, the embarassing effects, terrible "Blood" and inability to even deliver the t&a as you'd expect. Some horny teenagers will have been very dissapointed by this title.

So what is it? Girls in bikinis in the everglades getting picked off one by one by a psychotic native american. So yeah, high brow stuff.

The movie aims low, slasher & boobs. Manages to fail at both.

The Good:

Nope

The Bad:

How in the blue hell did this cost 50 million!?

Awful cinematography

Acting is the absolute pits

Things I Learnt From This Movie:

Hoop earrings so big that you could use them as a necklaces don't look ridiculous at all....

Troma may well be the worst film company in the history of the industry

Intent upon discovering the great outdoors, a group of women decide to take a tour into the Everglades and camp out for a couple of days. However, when they get there a man named "Ron" (Ron Henry) warns them that it isn't safe to stay there because there is an evil Seminole spirit known as "Coowahchohee" (Ted Vernon) who comes out during this particular time of the year and either kills or kidnaps any young females that he can find. Not caring to hear anything that Ron tells them they chase him off and decide to stay. Then, one by one, they begin to vanish. Now rather than reveal any more of this movie and risk spoiling it for those who haven't seen it I will just say that this is basically a horror film which suffers from its extremely low budget. Of course, being produced by Troma and with a title like "Bikini Swamp Girl Massacre" I suppose one shouldn't expect too much to begin with. Yet, although the acting, special effects and the accompanying script were quite bad, the plot moved along at an adequate enough pace to at least keep my attention to a certain degree. However, other than the presence of "Tonya" (Jenny Scordamaglia) I honestly didn't see anything worthwhile about this movie and I have rated it accordingly. Below average.

Preparing for a camping trip, an all-girl group of friends heads into the Florida Everglades for a special tour of the area only to run afoul of a vengeful Native American spirit intent on making them pay for trespassing on his land and must fend off the crazed attacks to escape alive.

This was a rather decent enough slasher. One of the few positives here is the rather joyful glee that accompanies the majority of the attacks here, which is pretty common throughout the film. Setting up the idea of the crazed Indian who offers up plenty of confrontations with the group allows this one to partake in some rather fun encounters with him out in the swamplands attacking and hacking up the girls in brutal ways. The gore in these scenes are quite brutal in concept yet lamely realized in execution, yet the manic intensity and over-the-top glee with these scenes are infectious enough to make this interesting, as well as allowing this one to maintain a fine pace to be entertaining enough to keep going. Along with the fine nudity on display, these are what hold it up over the film's flaws. Among the many negatives here is the rather low-budget nature of what's presented here. There's very little here that looks natural or realistic, from the laughable gore and stalking scenes that waste the opportunity to have some suspense in the Indian's sudden attacks to the completely illegal way it appears they just filmed the whole film in one location. It's all quite obvious that this was filmed in such a manner which causes this to look completely patently fake and gives this such a cheesy atmosphere with the near impossible manner to have the events here come off as reasonable or logical. As well, the other flaw here is the rather comical and over-the-top killer who's so impossible to take seriously that it might borderline on dull rather than frightening. Not only is the rampage completely underdeveloped with stories changing depending on who's talking about the killer, but the way it manages to warp around the killing methods seem just too outlandish for the type of film conceived which allows this to become excruciating more than anything. Not only does it have a completely comical look but an irritating killer which isn't the best way to make a slasher effort and is what really keeps this one down.

Rated Unrated/R: Graphic Language, Graphic Violence and Nudity.

I was expecting a crappy fun movie, with bad acting, writing and directing. That's exactly what this movie brings. But, oh my god, there's something magical, that I wouldn't believe if someone told me about it. The editing. I can't tell if the editor ever saw a movie, for real. Normal, dialogues scenes, have a cut per second, sometimes even more. Cutting to reaction shots from characters that are not even important to whats being said. Music cues that makes no sense to the scene. Laughable choices that I can't make justice in here. I urge you, seek it and watch it, it's as bad as it could be.

All that's not even talking about a white actor playing an native american in the most offensive portrayal I've ever seen, and he seems clueless, no harm meant, i guess. That makes it so funny. I LOVE THIS MOVIE

Granted that this is a Troma movie, but still I had expected a bit more from these people.

I had not even heard about "Bikini Swamp Girl Massacre" prior to stumbling upon it by sheer random luck. I looked at the cover and immediately knew that with a title like that it was bound to be either a glorious spoof of a horror comedy or it was going to suck big time.

It turned out to be the latter...

I managed to endure "Bikini Swamp Girl Massacre" for about 50 minutes before I was ready to claw my eyes out and just tossed in the towel and gave up. The movie was unfathomably bad. From the laughable and stupid storyline to the atrocious acting performances put on by some of the actors and actresses in the movie.

Sure, not much can be expected from a Troma movie, but I will say that the production value of this movie was definitely notched up tremendously in comparison to many of their other movies. Thumbs up for that, but it was hardly enough to salvage the movie in any way.

The special effects in the movie were as to be expected. But hey, at least it felt like they were trying. And that's got to count for something, right?

With my interest utterly shattered in this movie, there is no chance that I am returning to finish watching the rest of "Bikini Swamp Girl Massacre", even with its corny and catchy title. It was just not worth the time, money or effort.

Badly shot, scored, bad effects, bad everything. A cut every second makes it worse. There's a 1966 film shot in the Glades called Death Curse of Tartu by Wlliam Grefe that might be the far superior source material for this dreck. The three girls in Tartu were gorgeous. The girls who get slaughtered in this film are far from attractive with the exception of Miami TV host Jenni Scordamaglia.

This crappy movie was made crappy on purpose, as Troma films always are. You must be either stoned or very drunk on tequila to appreciate and enjoy this film.

After watching 45 seconds of this movie I concluded that it was created for the sole purpose of having those associated with it laughing at the reviews from people that mistook it for a serious production.

$50 million budget?

No.

Correction, I should say: "No, unless $50 was spent on production, and $49,999,950 was spent on cocaine and Doritos."

But I do give it 9 stars for professional quality trolling -- see other reviews and associated high word count.

As a public service, it should be said you do see two women topless -- one white, one black.

So an additional star for inclusiveness.