Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D. (TV Series)

The Only Light in the Darkness (2014)

Patton Oswalt: Eric Koenig

Quotes 

• Agent Eric Koenig : You wash up on a deserted island alone. Sitting on the sand is a box. What is in that box?

  Melinda May : Machete.

  Antoine Triplett : A sat phone so I can call someone to get me off that island.

  Leo Fitz : How big is the box?

  Agent Eric Koenig : Just say the first answer that comes into your mind. What's in that box?

  Leo Fitz : Simmons.

  Jemma Simmons : That's a hard one. Let me think. The Tardis.

  Skye : I want to say my laptop, fully charged. But I don't want to seem subversive - with the Rising Tide and all...

  Agent Eric Koenig : You're over-thinking it.

  Skye : The laptop would be stupid, anyway. There's no wi-fi.

• Agent Eric Koenig : What's the difference between an egg and a rock?

  Melinda May : Edible. Not.

  Jemma Simmons : Well, that's absurd. The differences are innumerable.

  Leo Fitz : If you want, I can start listing them, but then we'll be here all day.

• Agent Eric Koenig : The NSA. You want to hack the NSA? That's a bad idea, Skye. That's a terrible idea. The NSA's already got S.H.I.E.L.D. on its watch list. Why poke the bear - the big, scary, waterboarding bear?

• Agent Eric Koenig : You wash up on a deserted island alone. Sitting on the sand is a box. What is in that box?

  Grant Ward : It would depend on the island. Where it is, how big, what's the terrain? Is there fresh water?

  Agent Eric Koenig : Just say the first thing that comes into your head.

  Grant Ward : A pistol.

• Agent Eric Koenig : Just gonna need you guys to answer a few questions, a few psychoanalytic, non sequitur questions.

  Phil Coulson : A lie detector.

  Agent Eric Koenig : *The* lie detector, Agent Coulson. This baby measures galvanic skin response, oxygen consumption, micro-expressions, biofeedback brain waves, pupil dilation, voice biometrics - 96 variables in all. Fury designed this himself. He wanted a lie detector Romanoff couldn't beat.

  Grant Ward : Did she?

  Agent Eric Koenig : [scoffs]  Like Fury would tell!

• Agent Eric Koenig : No, you're not. Absolutely not. You can't leave. There are protocols.

  Phil Coulson : Since the entire's agency pretty much collapsed, maybe now is not the time to stand on protocol.

  Agent Eric Koenig : Fine. Forget protocols. What part of "secret base" don't you get? Fury said to let you in, and you show up with a bunch of people?

  Phil Coulson : Agents!

  Agent Eric Koenig : Whatever. The point is, they know what this place is now, and *I* don't know them.

  Phil Coulson : Hydra just released the entire population of The Fridge into the wild. There's gonna be violence. People will die. And I still consider it my duty to be the shield that protects them.

  Agent Eric Koenig : Moving speech, truly. But nobody leaves until they go through orientation.

• Agent Eric Koenig : Agent Ward, why are you really here?

  Grant Ward : Skye. Came back for her. I want to spend time with her.

  Agent Eric Koenig : Skye? Cool.

• Agent Eric Koenig : What is your first name?

  Skye : Skye.

  Agent Eric Koenig : And what is your last name?

  Skye : Only name. No family. No family name to inherit.

  Agent Eric Koenig : You have yourself the name Skye?

  Skye : Well, the name they gave me at the orphanage was Mary Sue Poots, so...

  Agent Eric Koenig : When we were kids, my brother would and I used to give each other nicknames. He called me Lightning Foot.