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- Jake: Dad, are you sure you can't come to the beach with us?
- Evan Webber: I would love nothing more, sport, but if Daddy doesn't work this weekend, we'll have to live in a box. Do you guys want to live in a box?
- Evan Webber: Death? Death? You're gonna kill me? You're gonna fucking kill me? Why? WHY? Because I fucked you? You fucked me! You fucked ME! You came to MY house! You came to ME! I got you a car, I brought you your clothes, you took a fuckin' BUBBLE BATH! You wanted it! You wanted it! You came on to me! What was I supposed to do? You sucked my cock, you both fucking sucked my cock! It was FREE PIZZA! Free fuckin' pizza! It just shows up at my fuckin' door! What am I supposed to do? "We're flight attendants. Come on, fuck us! No one will know. Come on, fuck us!" Oh, twosomes, threesomes. It doesn't matter! Starfish! Husbands! You don't give a fuck, you'll just fuck anything, you'll just fuck anything! Well, you lied to me, I tried to help you! I let you in, I was a good guy, I'm a good father! And you just fucking fucked me! What? Now, you're gonna kill me? You're gonna kill me? Why? Why? 'Cause you fucked me? What the fuck-FUCK-FUCK, this is fucking insane!
- Louis: Bitch, you barkin' up the wrong fucking tree. I'm from Oakland, ho. I know two ghetto ass hoes when I see 'em.
- Evan Webber: You have your phone?
- Genesis: Uh, yeah. Why?
- Evan Webber: I can try and fix it.
- Genesis: Really? Oh.
- Evan Webber: My kid dropped mine in the tub, and you won't believe this but if you put it in rice, it kinda dries it out.
- Genesis: That would be awesome!
- Bel: Rice? Oh, my God, you're like a Mythbuster!
- Jake: Dad, are you sure you can't come to the beach with us?
- Evan Webber: I would love nothing more, sport, but if Daddy doesn't work this weekend, we'll have to live in a box. Do you guys want to live in a box?
- Bel: It's like destiny that we were meant to meet. Do you believe in destiny, Evan?
- Evan Webber: I'm an architect, so obviously I believe in things happening by your own design.
- Bel: Well... I do. I don't think people just pick randomly. I think that, if we are here together, it's because there's something we have to learn from each other.
- Evan Webber: [to his pet French Bulldog after his family leaves:] Well, Monkey, looks like it's just you and me, kid.
- Evan Webber: You don't look so dangerous to me. Worst case scenario, I know I can take the both of you.
- Bel: I'm not so sure. I do airboxing.
- [does an energetic demonstration]
- Genesis: Welcome to America's favorite game show, Who Wants To Be A Pedophile! Where we give the audience what they want... the chance to punish a pedophile! But first, let's welcome our lovely, beautiful and charming... Miss Bel!
- [Bel waltzes in, wearing a short dress "borrowed" from Evan's daughter Lisa's wardrobe, and does a Marilyn Monroe-style blown kiss]
- Genesis: Tonight's contestant is a special one. He's not only an architect, but also a DJ, a husband, a father of two... possibly three.
- Bel: Four.
- Genesis: All the way from One Percent Land, Mr. Evan Webber! Miss Bel, would you please get our contestant ready?
- Evan Webber: [struggling against his bonds that hold him in the chair] You're both crazy fucking bitches!
- Genesis: [as Evan storms out of the house to answer his Skype call away from the girls] Don't let your brekkie get cold!
- Genesis: [to the fed-up-with-the-intruders Evan] Excuse me, sir, can you tell me where Evan is? You know, that sweet guy who saved two girls from the rain?
- Evan Webber: [after he tells the girls that he is calling the police] What is so fucking funny?
- Genesis: I just have a funny story to tell them. It's called "To Catch A Predator..."
- Bel: [as she stands over the spread-eagled and bound-hand-and-foot-to-the-bed Evan] You know, every girl's first love... is their Daddy, huh?
- [throws her panties down onto his face]
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