Whiskey Tango Foxtrot (2016)
Tina Fey: Kim Baker
Photos
Quotes
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Kim Baker : I'm wondering if you can give me something... on background, just about the security situation here and the state of the war in general.
General Hollanek : Yeah, I can give you something... this war's like fucking a gorilla, you keep on going until the gorilla wants to stop.
Kim Baker : I think I can paraphrase that.
General Hollanek : Knock yourself out.
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Kim Baker : What are we talking about, Fahim?
Fahim Ahmadzai : The human body produces its own heroin. In fact, when the fight-or-flight instinct is activated in the hypothalamu, your body releases endorphins, dopamine and norepinephrine. That is heroin, cocaine and amphetamine, all at once.
Kim Baker : Okay, great. Are we having the Afghan version of this conversation, where in New York we would have gotten to the point, like, five minutes ago?
Fahim Ahmadzai : There is a reason to believe that a person can get addicted to this type of high. Soldiers, athletes...
Kim Baker : War reporters. Got it.
Fahim Ahmadzai : An addict always needs a greater and greater dosage. And then people make mistakes, people get hurt.
Kim Baker : I get it. You're a newlywed. I can probably get them to go up to $125 a day.
Fahim Ahmadzai : Let us have the American version of this conversation.
Kim Baker : Okay.
Fahim Ahmadzai : I do not want to work with you anymore.
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Tanya Vanderpoel : In Afghanistan, you're a serious piece of ass.
Kim Baker : Thank you. Ohh, that's nice.
Tanya Vanderpoel : Because you're what, I mean, you're like, a seven, a six, seven in New York? Here, you're a nine. Borderline ten. It's called "Kabul Cute."
Kim Baker : What are you here, like a 15?
Tanya Vanderpoel : Yeah.
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General Hollanek : While you're outside the wire with my men, you will in no way distract them. Understood?
Kim Baker : Are you asking me not to sleep with your soldiers?
General Hollanek : No, not soldiers. Marines. You're not here to sleep with or perform jobs of any type on my Marines.
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Tanya Vanderpoel : Can I fuck your security guys?
Kim Baker : What?... By all means, yeah.
Tanya Vanderpoel : Yeah? I mean, I wouldn't ask. It's just that for some reason, the VBC use an American contractor and, I mean, no offense, but they're all, like goatees and "fat-strong".
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Kim Baker : [Putting on blue burqa] It's so pretty I don't even want to vote.
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Tall Brian : Brian Hooper. Tall Brian. I'm your shooter.
Kim Baker : So, is there another Brian around here somewhere that you're taller than?
Tall Brian : Short Brian. Works for Reuters.
Kim Baker : Couldn't one of you just be Brian?
Tall Brian : Fair enough, didn't think of that. Also, Short Brian's dead.
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Kim Baker : Where is Bin Laden?
Iain MacKelpie : People think he's in Pakistan, right?
Kim Baker : Yeah.
[picks napkin]
Kim Baker : You've got egg in your beard. Hang on.
Iain MacKelpie : Thank you.
Kim Baker : Your national animal is the unicorn.
Iain MacKelpie : I think it's romantic.
Kim Baker : That is the national animal of the kingdom I ruled when I was eight.
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Kim Baker : No, you are a bad friend. You are a bad friend. In America, I would get a book deal out of this shit! You can't just do this, OK? I haven't been on the air in months! My best friend here, almost died, and I am jealous of her. And I am just... Fuck this! All of it!
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Kim Baker : It's probably just a wedding somewhere nearby. They like to shoot off guns at weddings here. You get it, you're from Florida.
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Kim Baker : I drank too much water and I have to pee.
Fahim Ahmadzai : Stop. Stop. I am engaged to be married.
Kim Baker : Okay, Fahim, I know you like your women to be, like, beautiful, mysterious IKEA bags, okay? But we urinate, Doctor. Out of our vaginas.
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Kim Baker : [putting on burka] Ah, it's so pretty. I don't even WANT to vote. --------...
