- Penny: [Car making noises] Uh, that doesn't sound good.
- Sheldon Cooper: Remember the old days when I used to point out that your check engine light was on?
- Penny: Yes.
- Sheldon Cooper: Well, we're ready to stroll down memory lane. Penny your check engine light is on.
- Penny: Yes, I know it's on Sheldon. Oh, no, no, no, no. I can't afford this right now.
- Sheldon Cooper: [car stops] Maybe it's just something minor. Oh good news. The light just went out.
- Sheldon Cooper: Leonard, could you wrap it up? We're waiting for you.
- Penny: I'm sorry, is the fact that my life's falling apart interrupting your board game?
- Sheldon Cooper: It is.
- [to Howard]
- Sheldon Cooper: See, I told you she would understand.
- Sheldon Cooper: Ten years ago upon first seeing me your husband claimed that I looked like C-3PO and Pee Wee Herman. And he called me C-3-PeeWee Herman.
- Penny: Now that girl's gonna get discovered and become famous and go on Letterman and talk about how she got her big break on some stupid monkey movie all because some dumb girl thought it was beneath her.
- Leonard Hofstadter: At least you got mentioned on Letterman.
- Bernadette Rostenkowski: This is gonna be a long weekend for you.
- Howard Wolowitz: You're the reason I'm doing it.
- Bernadette Rostenkowski: I said to stop insulting each other. I didn't tell you to take him on a romantic getaway.
- Howard Wolowitz: How do I know what you said? Damn you and your noise cancelling breasts.
- Howard Wolowitz: Back in the car. I'm an astronaut and you know it. You just don't like admitting it because you're jealous.
- Sheldon Cooper: Well, truth be told, as a child I did dream of going into space. Those astronauts were my heroes, and when you got to go it was hard for me.
- Howard Wolowitz: Thank you.
- Sheldon Cooper: Because it made me realize they'll just send anyone up there.
- Penny: This isn't your car.
- Leonard Hofstadter: I know. I thought we'd take yours.
- Penny: I don't understand.
- Leonard Hofstadter: It's nothing fancy but it'll get you to auditions and at least for now you don't have to go back to waitressing.
- Penny: I don't know what to say.
- Leonard Hofstadter: Don't say anything.
- Penny: Oh my God!
- Leonard Hofstadter: I mean you could say thank you. I did just buy you a car.
- Leonard Hofstadter: You sure you want to do this?
- Penny: Yeah. Why wouldn't I want to get my old job back? It'll be fun to see everyone. I haven't talked to them since I said, "I quit! See you at the Oscars, bitches."
- Sheldon Cooper: I'm sorry for every mean thing I ever said or did to you.
- Howard Wolowitz: I'm sorry too. It's all my fault.
- Sheldon Cooper: If you weren't my friend there'd be a hole in my life.
- Howard Wolowitz: Thank you.
- Sheldon Cooper: Kind of like when Firefly was cancelled. But not as big.
- Penny: Well, I'll have you guys know that I turned down a part in a movie last week.
- Leonard Hofstadter: Why would you do that?
- Penny: Because it was crap. It was a sequel to that awful killer gorilla movie.
- Bernadette Rostenkowski: Serial Ape-ist? I thought you died in that.
- Sheldon Cooper: She does, 42 minutes in.
- Raj Koothrappali: While showering topless, 16 minutes after a brief side butt during a pillow fight with her sorority sisters.
- Sheldon Cooper: I have an eidetic memory. I don't know what his problem is.
- Penny: Okay, well, there are no shower scenes in this one. They just try to clone me from my corpse, but my DNA gets mixed with the ape's DNA and I end up running around with giant gorilla hands and feet.
- Sheldon Cooper: Am I missing something, or isn't that the part she was born to play?
- Leonard Hofstadter: Don't a lot of famous actors get their start doing bad movies?
- Penny: Okay, I don't think Meryl Streep ever had to say, "Must keep gorilla hands from killing again."
- Raj Koothrappali: If she did, it would be amazing. That woman can do no wrong.
- Amy Farrah Fowler: Um, you're supposed to be yourself, not all desperate and creepy.
- Raj Koothrappali: Okay, I'm getting some mixed messages here.
- Sheldon Cooper: [On the plane, on his shoulder]
- [Tap, tap, tap]
- Sheldon Cooper: Howard?
- [Tap, tap, tap]
- Sheldon Cooper: Howard?
- [Tap, tap, tap]
- Sheldon Cooper: Howard?
- Howard Wolowitz: What now?
- Sheldon Cooper: I have to go to the bathroom.
- Howard Wolowitz: You just went to the bathroom.
- Sheldon Cooper: I didn't use it because it didn't seem safe. Despite all the emails, the toilet didn't have a seat belt.
- Howard Wolowitz: Well, it still doesn't.
- Sheldon Cooper: I realize that, but safety concerns went out the window two apple juices ago.
- Raj Koothrappali: Can we please talk about something other than my depressing love life.
- Sheldon Cooper: How about Penny's depressing acting career?
- Leonard Hofstadter: Hey. I mean, it's been a little tough, but Penny's following her dreams and in my book that's not depressing.
- Penny: Thank you.
- Amy Farrah Fowler: Well, what would I say to her'?
- Raj Koothrappali: Just tell her what I'm really like. And, if you think it'll help, that you saw me changing once and my package reminded you of the muscular tail of a jaguar.
- Howard Wolowitz: Hey, I work at the same university you do.
- Sheldon Cooper: Yes, and Hawkeye's in the Avengers, but no one ever says, "Help, Hawkeye."
- Leonard Hofstadter: Are we playing individuals or teams?
- Raj Koothrappali: Teams are fun.
- Sheldon Cooper: Oh, in that case I'd like to be partnered with my good friend Howard.
- Raj Koothrappali: But I'm always on Howard's team! We're best friends. The kind that finish each other's...
- Howard Wolowitz: We don't really do that.
- Raj Koothrappali: [Interrupting] ... do that! See?
- [First lines]
- Amy Farrah Fowler: Raj, your tag is hanging out.
- [Adjusts shirt tag]
- Raj Koothrappali: Thank you. You know, that was the closest thing to sex I've had in two years.
- Amy Farrah Fowler: And now I'm creeped out.
- Raj Koothrappali: It only makes it more real for me.
- Bernadette Rostenkowski: Can I ask you something? Why do you constantly feel the need to put down my husband?
- Penny: I'm sure he's doing it out of love. Just like my boyfriend not supporting my acting career.