Criminal Minds (TV Series)

Rabid (2014)

Kirsten Vangsness: Penelope Garcia

Quotes 

• Dr. Spencer Reid : Why does it have to be such a fast mile? Have you ever even had to run a mile in the field?

  Dr. Spencer Reid : No.

  Penelope Garcia : I'm not even in the field. I sit at a computer on my perfect posterior, like all day.

  Dr. Spencer Reid : Maybe we should ask Morgan for help.

  Penelope Garcia : No.

  Dr. Spencer Reid : But he has really good abs...

  Penelope Garcia : Yes, he does. But it's bad enough some bureaucrat is making us take this stupid test. The last thing we need is Mr. Universe talking smack the whole time.

  Dr. Spencer Reid : But he knows about all this stuff. He can probably, like. Teach us some tricks, help us train.

  Dr. Spencer Reid : You work out? That's cool. I don't.

  Penelope Garcia : Yeah. In a non-traditional manner and never again with him. He was all, "there you go, baby girl. Move it or lose it". "This ain't your high-tech room. My grandmama can move better than that".

• Penelope Garcia : [about Morgan]  I'm gonna kill him!

  Dr. Spencer Reid : If I can manage to lift my arms, I'll hold him down.

• Dr. Spencer Reid : We got a case?

  Penelope Garcia : Yep.

  Dr. Spencer Reid : Thank God.

  Penelope Garcia : Race you to the bleachers. We don't need him!

  Dr. Spencer Reid : Ok. I'm just gonna have a heart attack real quick.

• Dr. Spencer Reid : You think they'll really terminate us if we can't run fast enough?

  Penelope Garcia : Probably something worse. They'll probably make us take another fit test.

  Dr. Spencer Reid : I'd rather be terminated.

  Penelope Garcia : I just hope the PT instructor isn't a jerk. Those jock guys are always such jerks.

  Dr. Spencer Reid : Yeah, total jerks. That's probably him right now.

  Penelope Garcia : Oh, look, he's totally walking like a jerk.

  Dr. Spencer Reid : Yeah, it's a total jerk walk.

  Penelope Garcia : Total jerk walk.

  Dr. Spencer Reid : Wait a minute. Wait, I think it's Morgan... Yeah.

  Penelope Garcia : Oh, my God, it is. Why are you here?

  Derek Morgan : It looks like I'm your new PT instructor. Watkins got sick. So, today's your lucky day. I'm your guy. Ha-ha.

  Penelope Garcia : Awesome. That's awesome.

• Derek Morgan : What'd you got, Sweetness?

  Penelope Garcia : Mama's hands are dirty, 'cause she's been digging

• Penelope Garcia : Oh, God. Okay.

  Derek Morgan : You okay?

  Penelope Garcia : Yeah, why?

  Derek Morgan : 'Cause you got a little gimp in your giddy-up.

  Penelope Garcia : It's these shoes. Beauty knows no pain.

  Derek Morgan : Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Wait a minute.

  [sniffs several times] 

  Penelope Garcia : What are you doing?

  Derek Morgan : Do I smell BENGAY?

  Penelope Garcia : Maybe. I had an active evening with Sam.

• Derek Morgan : Guys, guys, come on. Seriously. You should have just said something. This whole fit test thing is just a formality. I could've got the whole thing waived... But since you didn't, you ready to do this?

  Penelope Garcia : Yeah, let's do this!

  [Garcia and Reid start running] 

  Penelope Garcia : Wow! Wow!

  Derek Morgan : Hey, hey, hey. Happy-go-luckys, where are you going?

  Penelope Garcia : To run a mile.

  Derek Morgan : No, no, no. You didn't hear? The fit test is more than just a mile. Get your little butts back over here.

  [to Garcia and Reid doing push-ups] 

  Derek Morgan : Come on, let's go, all the way down, all the way up.

  [to Garcia and Reid doing sideways jumps] 

  Derek Morgan : Come on! My grandmamma can do way better than that.

  [to Garcia and Reid doing chin-ups] 

  Derek Morgan : Let's go! This is not your high-tech room.

  [to Garcia and Reid skipping rope] 

  Derek Morgan : On our toes, right on your toes. There you go, baby girl, that's sweet.

  [to Garcia and Reid doing stepping exercise] 

  Derek Morgan : Go, girl, you know it. Turn around, right back down.

  [to Garcia and Reid lying down] 

  Derek Morgan : Hey, hey, hey. What are we doing? What's all this huffin' and puffin'? Come on, we still got a two mile run to go. Let's go!

  Penelope Garcia : Two miles?

  Dr. Spencer Reid : It's supposed to be one mile.

  Derek Morgan : No, no, no. Not my watch. This whole fit test is altogether different. Now suck it up!

  Penelope Garcia : Oh, my God.

  Derek Morgan : Let's go!... All right, all right, all right. Enough is enough. I guess I got to let the cat out of the bag. I kind of already had your fit test waived.

  Dr. Spencer Reid : What?

  Derek Morgan : Yeah. Baby girl, think about it. You're not even in the field. And Pretty Ricky, you already got enough case hours to qualify. This was just a good time for me.

  Penelope Garcia : I'm gonna kill him.

  Dr. Spencer Reid : If I can manage to lift my arms, I'll hold him down.

  Penelope Garcia : I'm regaining my strength.

  Derek Morgan : I told you, you should have said something. I said... Hey... Hey...

  Penelope Garcia : You're getting it now!

• Derek Morgan : Give it to me, doll face.

  Penelope Garcia : Do you know that over 50,000 people die of rabies every year in third world countries? Thank God for Monsieur Pasteur, otherwise we'd all be dead. Okay, so I looked into every known case of rabies exposure in the country over the last 20 years.

  Derek Morgan : Did you find anything?

  Penelope Garcia : Cool your jets, hot chocolate. I will let you know if I've got something. So, I've got something.

• Penelope Garcia : I got the 4-1-1 on our first victim, Melvin Lewis. Originally from The Malibu of the Midwest, Sheboygan, Wisconsin. Melvin moved to Milwaukee 12 years ago when wifey ran away with his best friend.

  David Rossi : Ouch.

  Penelope Garcia : Yeah. Luckily, they had no kids. No criminal record. Like super squeaky clean. Not even a parking ticket. He joined Facebook a year ago. He has a whopping six friends, all from work.

  Derek Morgan : He drives a truck, right?

  Penelope Garcia : Yeah. A milk truck, to be exact. But only did that for a month. Before, he worked for 10 years at an animal control center, but he was laid off due to budget cuts.

  Dr. Spencer Reid : What exactly did he do, Garcia?

  Penelope Garcia : He was a dogcatcher. But like a SWAT team of dogcatchers. He specialized in dangerous and trapped animals, including, but not limited to skunks, a raccoon, and one time a giant python.

  Derek Morgan : All right, thanks, babe.

  Dr. Spencer Reid : That could be it.

  Derek Morgan : What? The python?

  Dr. Spencer Reid : No, bite marks. Of course. That could be how he was doing it. That's why it was undetectable. Brain tissue, we need to look at brain tissue...

  Derek Morgan : Okay, Reid.

  Dr. Spencer Reid : Sorry. I don't think this is a biting fetish or cannibalism. I think it's a virus, and the biting is merely a means of transmission.

  Derek Morgan : What kind of virus?

  Dr. Spencer Reid : There are several possibilities. Creutzfeldt-Jakob disease, tick-borne encephalitis, but the most likely culprit is rabies, and that wouldn't show up in an autopsy, except in brain tissue.

  David Rossi : So, since Lewis was the only victim not bitten by a human, the UnSub must have used an animal to infect him first.

  Dr. Spencer Reid : And after that, he somehow facilitated human to human transmission.

  Derek Morgan : It would explain the random victimology. It doesn't matter who he infects. All he needs is a host.

  Dr. Spencer Reid : Which also means the holding period isn't about torture, it's about incubation.

  David Rossi : I was attacked by a rabid for once. Shot the thing three times before it went down. Freakin' terrifying. It was like a horror movie.

  Dr. Spencer Reid : We need to have the M.E. test for rabies vectors in the brain samples.

  Derek Morgan : And then we need to deliver the profile.