Saint Bernard (2013) User Reviews

My Review Of "Saint Bernard"

[ASouthernHorrorFan · 4/10 · 23 June 2019]

Saint Bernard" is a highly stylized stitching of nightmares and dreamscapes meant to express the main character's dire circumstance. The idea of Bernard's dream devoured by unseen force from within is brilliant. Unfortunately the film never develops a cohesive, recognizable story to hold on to while we journey down this disturbing rabbit hole with Bernard. I love experimental theatre and surreal art, however in this instance the art steps on and over the opportunity for any story telling. It all fits better with some avant garde rock video.

Now it is very clear that the real intent of "Saint Bernard" is simply to display the very talented, brilliant ability of Gabe Bartalos. His work is among the best the FX industry has to offer, and despite the fact that this movie is devoid of story and character connectivity, it shows off some killer concepts and prosthetic skills. Not to mention awesome creature design. All done with practical effects. Still a film this long and with such a poignant subject- mental illness, really needed more than great FX.

Ouch

[selfdestructo · 3/10 · 12 March 2022]

So, Gabe Bartalos decided to make a surreal art film. That might be an insult toward art films, and I hate them.

What you've got is 98 full minutes of complete and utter nonsense. The plot goes like this: Bernard wants to be a composer, and he carries around a rotting, severed Saint Bernard head in a sack. The End. Your welcome.

I bought this solely based on how much I dug his previous (and only other) film, Skinned Deep. I really enjoyed it's wild, balls-to-wall, retro-exploitation vibe, and was hoping for something at least in the same vein. Boy was I wrong! Saint Bernard is filled with puzzlement, infuriation, and maybe worst of all, boredom. I couldn't wait for it to be over with.

EDIT 03/15/22: This Blu-ray has a spectacular making of extra on it. I've bumped up my score a little, as it gave me a new appreciation of what they were able to accomplish. I will revisit this movie in the future. There is an incredible story on here about guerilla filmmaking that is insightful, clever, and absolutely hilarious. At one point, Gabe is talking about the detail of the props, and says it is used to "propel the narrative forward." One thing Saint Bernard does NOT have, is a narrative.

Pure insanity

[BandSAboutMovies · 7/10 · 7 May 2019]

Writer/producer/director Gabe Bartalos' award-winning FX career spans everything from films like the Leprechaun series, Brain Damage and Frankenhooker to Brain Dead, Dolls, The Texas Chainsaw Massacre 2, The Cave, Happy Hell Night and Gremlins 2: The New Batch. He was even the Muck Man in Spookies!

Now, he finally is bringing his long-in-production film Saint Bernard to video thanks to Severin Films. Prepare your eyes and brain, if you can!

An orchestra conductor named Bernard spends the film descending further and further into chaos, insanity and surrealistic imagery, aided and abetted by Bartalos' FX talent. Also: Bernard finds a Saint Bernard head on the side of the road that he puts in a bag and takes with him everywhere.

If you're one of those people that demand a film that makes sense, you may want to look elsewhere. For those of us willing to descend down this portal, we'll be rewarded with a phantasmagorical odyssey into the heart of, well, something pretty messed up.

Warwick Davis - yes, from Willow - shows up, as does Andy Kaufman co-conspirator Bob Zmuda and the Damned. Bartalos created the Leprechaun and Tony Clifton makeup, so it makes sense that he was able to get those talents in here, if anything makes sense in this movie.

Basically, all I can tell you is that Bernard is a conducted attuned to the universe who has a bad performance due to his suit being filled with drugs and then he descends into a journey that introduces him from everything to a money-obsessed priest to the charms of Miss Roadkill.

The funny thing is, as disgusting as some of these set pieces get, they're all gorgeous. It's one thing to create these art installation-like sets. It's quite another to frame and shoot them in a way that pushes them even further up the ladder of art.

Again - this isn't for everyone. I'd compare it to an absolute movie in the style of Jodorowsky and that's no small praise.

Some of it looks good but its a complete shambles

[boydwalters · 3/10 · 2 December 2019]

Stills from this could make it look like a great film ... But most of it doesn't look that interesting ... And the plot line is non existant ... Its just too random for its own good ... It gets points for design in some parts ... The writing and direction are a complete mess ( unless the director just wasn't good enough to make what was on the page ... Just give it a miss as you could spend your time doing most things more enjoyably and rewardingly ... Admire some of the good stills if they pop up on some site ... Just realise the film offers nothing you would expect from them

WHAT THE...

[kirbylee70-599-526179 · 1/10 · 15 July 2019]

I've been a movie fan for some time. It began when I was a child and continued forward from there. I was such a fan at one time I wanted to get in the business. I minored in motion pictures (Ball State didn't offer it as a major). During my time in classes I had the opportunity to see a vast number of films. Remember this is before the days of the VCR when everyone suddenly had easy access. I remember one instructor I had who insisted on presenting to us the most unusual and pointless films possible. He'd taught at Ann Arbor before coming here. More often than not the films were shorts and he even went so far as to tell us that a person could make a living off of government grants that would give you the money to make films like this. These films weren't entertaining, they were "art".

I began to learn something about many (not all) "art" films. They were made by people who were arrogant, full of themselves and who basically slapped together anything they could think of and then calling it "art". And critics were eager to please this crowd. I don't think they actually liked what they were seeing so much as not wanting to be seen as not being part of the "in" crowd, not admitting that it made no sense and was nothing more than trash. They continue to do that to this day, even more so in a highly politicized film industry determined to enlighten rather than entertain come Oscar time.

Why go through all of this background? Well you have to know where I'm coming from before I say something about the movie SAINT BERNARD.

Let me start by saying that no, this is not a sequel to CUJO. I was not a fan of CUJO but I can honestly say it was leaps and bounds better than this movie. If there is a plot in this film I couldn't tell you what it is. During the extras I hard director Gabe Bartalos discuss the narrative of the film but even after hearing this I couldn't find one.

Let me see what I can come up with between what I viewed and what I've read. The film revolves around the central character of Bernard (Jason Dugre), an apparent conductor in white tails complete with baton. IMDB give the description "A classical musical conductor unravels into the abyss of insanity." Watching the film I couldn't tell for sure if he was an actual conductor or not, if it was all in his head or reality. There didn't seem to be any delineation between what was real and what was perhaps a dream state or perhaps an insanity of the mind. It was all one big ride through the mindscape of the central character. Were the other characters real of just imaginings? No way of knowing.

The title might be referring to the main character named Bernard or it might be referring to the severed head with attached spinal column of an actual saint bernard that he comes across and then takes with him throughout the film. Other characters are the strangest that have appeared on film since perhaps a Terry Gilliam flick or even a David Lynch film. Those two names come to mind often while watching this movie. It's as if Bartalos loved their movies and emulated them here without bothering to attach a plot to the things he liked.

Known mainly for his work in special effects makeup Bartalos offers plenty in that area in this film. The severed dog's head, a woman whose legs are run over by a truck, strange looking creatures and people and more match the items he's made in the past for films like BASKETCASE 3, MUNCHIE, BRAIN DEAD and DARKMAN. I have no doubt that this film was an attempt for him to put together a movie that would help his career by allowing producers to see what he was capable of. The problem is before someone turns over millions to you to make a movie you have to make something that will generate enough of a return for them to be willing to trust you with it. This movie is not that. Suffice to say that there will be some who will love this movie and sing its praises. They will be the same ones who watch ERASERHEAD monthly and who condemn the world of Marvel hero films and mainstream slashers. For those people enjoy this film in the best way possible since that's what Severin is now offering. Transferred from the original negative making it the cleanest print you will find with just a few extras on hand makes this the best offering of the film you can find. If it sounds like your kind of film by all means give it a shot. If curious you've been warned. If not your thing move on.

Worst Film and Calling This A Fim Is An Insult

[emanouel-66729 · 1/10 · 27 June 2021]

Don't even waste your time. There's no rhyme or reason. It's like a music video without the music, just cut after cut on special effects that are not that great. This is by a special effects master who should stick to doing effects and not telling stories of which there is no story here. Saint Bernard is for acid tripping, drug induced people who want random clips of dumb images to intensify their high. No other reason why this was made or even exists.

The most crazy movie

[markhunnewell · 10/10 · 7 November 2019]

This film is like nothing I've ever seen before. Sure, there is no story really but the SFX are so good and the soundtrack is pretty awesome. Any fan of surreal horror and practical effects is doing themselves a disservice if they don't watch this.

Criminally uknown

[IlllIIlllllI · 10/10 · 16 June 2020]

If you're one of those people who came to realise they've seen all the "weird" movies and feel a bit disheartened about how few of those are there (especially any good ones), then getting your hands on this film will feel like finding stash of gold in your backyard. Even if I were to give away most of the moments in this film, it's still impossible to realistically spoil it. It is done in spirit of "Begotten" but without brutality and deceptive references to the occult.

Non Commercial, Metaphor Heavy Film

[therealcmr · 10/10 · 10 November 2022]

Just going to start off by saying, if you are looking for a linear, rational experience, just leave. Right now. And never come back. Saint Bernard will probably having you screaming at the TV claiming it is either the worst film you have ever seen, or amongst the worst.

If you are looking for a film that is radically different from anything commercial or conventional, then step right up and try to figure this puzzle out.

Saint Bernard, on the surface, appears to take place in a nonsensical, nightmare world. Kind of like a really disturbed version of Alice in Wonderland. From the beginning, Bernard had wanted to be a composer, but when a failed recital turns Bernard into a slithering worm, he appears to go on some sort of metaphorical nightmare journey that seems to be about self discovery.

This is a movie that begs the viewer to think way outside the box. Every scene is a metaphor, in some manner or another, that builds like a towering puzzle box.

Some of the metaphors are easy to figure out. Such as the failed recital scene, when Bernard cannot perform due to his use of drugs, and how he is horribly embarrassed to the point he slithers out of the recital, looking like a disgusting worm, because that is mentally how he feels. Or the scene towards the end, where it is heavily implied that Bernard's Uncle, whom he seemed to have a good relationship with, and had even mentored him, has actually molested him as a child. This is easily represented in his fondling of Bernard's head, and then how he immediately becomes aroused. To make it even more obvious, he tells Bernard, "You were always my favorite".

But then there are many other metaphors that are so difficult to figure out that the film becomes increasingly more confusing. Such as the whole scene at the police station. Although it is incredibly intriguing, with a makeup heavy performance from the late Peter Iasillo Jr as the Chief, none of it seems to amount to much, if anything at all.

This was my third viewing of the film and I seem to pick something up every time I view it, which helps to make sense of the film as a whole. However, Gabe beats the viewer over the head with such style that this film will never gain any sort of mainstream or commercial appeal. This movie is strictly for the arthouse viewer. And even that might be stretching it.

This isn't comparable to the films of Lynch or Jodorosky, as some reviewers have mentioned. Although I would say there is some influences, this is a highly original piece of work. I don't think it would be fair to make those sorts of comparisons.

For me, I go through phases of what I like to watch. Some days I want to have a fun time with a movie. I will put on a conventional slasher film. Other times, I want something that is going to challenge me and force me to figure things out on my own. Saint Bernard is easily amongst the most difficult films that I have seen. And I have seen and analyzed films such as Subconscious Cruelty or Melancholy of the Angels. But that is also what makes a movie like this endearing. Every time I watch it feels like an entirely fresh experience. I can't say that for most commercial films.