- Peter Griffin: You're a well-read guy, right?
- Brian Griffin: Oh, I don't know. I guess when I read my Henry David, I tend to be pretty Thoreau.
- Stewie Griffin: [from off camera] Shut up!
- Stewie Griffin: What the hell, Brian?
- Brian Griffin: I can't take it anymore!
- Peter Griffin: [knocking on the door] Message for Brian Griffin!
- [with some effort, he squeezes his naked butt under the bottom of the door]
- Peter Griffin: I lost my ass gambling. Have you seen it?
- Brian Griffin: Leave me alone, you jerk!
- Glenn Quagmire: To this day, I can't have sex with a woman against her will without thinking about rape.
- Meg Griffin: So, I guess you heard about the fight, huh?
- Glenn Quagmire: Oh, yeah, they're talking about it in all the girls' bathrooms.
- Meg Griffin: I'm so dead.
- Glenn Quagmire: No, you're not, because I'm gonna help you defeat Mike Pulaski.
- Meg Griffin: You are?
- Glenn Quagmire: That's right. Be at my house first thing tomorrow morning, and we'll get started.
- Meg Griffin: Wow, thanks, Mr. Quagmire. Well, I better get home.
- [she gets into the Dr. Seuss-ish bicycle that Stewie imagined earlier and rides off]
- Glenn Quagmire: What a good way to get around town.
- Meg Griffin: I figured out how to get out of this fight. All I have to do is get expelled. That sex tape I released should be everywhere by now, and then they'll have to kick me out of the school.
- [seeing it has zero views]
- Meg Griffin: Come on! Really?
- [the view-count increases to 1]
- Meg Griffin: [with an excited gasp] Ooh.
- Stewie Griffin: [cut to him in his bedroom] You know what? Good for her.
- Brian Griffin: Peter, what the hell?
- Peter Griffin: What? What's the matter?
- Brian Griffin: What do you mean what's the matter? You're completely naked! I told you I'm not comfortable with that!
- Peter Griffin: Brian, I can get nude whenever I want, all right? This is my home, and a man's home is his castle.
- [cutaway to Lois returning home from the store]
- Peter Griffin: Halt, wench! State your business.
- Lois Griffin: Peter, will you please put down the drawbridge? I got a car full of groceries.
- Peter Griffin: Hmm. Anything else?
- Lois Griffin: [sighing] I also went to the video store and got "Garfield: A Tale of Two Kitties."
- [the drawbridge lowers]
- Meg Griffin: [the school jocks are asking for $1,000 to beat up Mike] $1,000? All right. But it's gonna be hard to get that kind of money. I mean, I'm not Judge Judy.
- [cutaway]
- Judge Judy: Hi, I'm Judge Judy. I get paid $45 million a year to yell at people who have nothing. Now here's an ad about a fat-people disease you have.
- Meg Griffin: [accidentally spilling some of her lunch on Mike] Oh, my god! I'm so sorry!
- Michael Pulaski: What's your name, dude?
- Chris Griffin: [off-screen] Meg Griffin!
- Michael Pulaski: [grabbing her] 3:00, Friday. I will destroy you.
- Meg Griffin: [Chris approaches] Chris, you have my back, right?
- Chris Griffin: I don't know. Let me check.
- [lifting his shirt]
- Chris Griffin: Yeah.
- Meg Griffin: Okay, I'm gonna need it for the fight.
- [he peels it off]
- Ruth: Hey, Megan.
- Meg Griffin: Oh, hey, guys. Wait, did you just call me Megan?
- Ruth: That's your name, isn't it?
- Meg Griffin: Well, actually, "Meg" is short for something else.
- [cutaway to Lois giving birth]
- Lois Griffin: [giving him the birth certificate] Peter, would you give this to the nurse?
- Peter Griffin: Uh-huh.
- [changing her name to "Megatron"]
- Peter Griffin: [with a giggle, he hums the Transformers theme] Robots in disguise.
- Brian Griffin: Meg, what's wrong?
- Meg Griffin: Some psycho just transferred to my school, and he's going to kill me!
- Stewie Griffin: [she runs off crying] Boy, she must really be PBS-ing, huh?
- Brian Griffin: What?
- Stewie Griffin: I mean, it's like, pop a couple of tampons, you know?
- Brian Griffin: Stewie, do you even know what a menstrual cycle is?
- Stewie Griffin: Uh, yeah, Brian.
- [in a thought bubble, he imagines a Dr. Seuss-ish bicycle]
- Stewie Griffin: It's a good way to get around town, that's what it is.
- Neil Goldman: The best way to disarm a bully is to befriend him. Watch and learn.
- [approaching Mike]
- Neil Goldman: Hey, what's up, my main man? Listen, if you ever need the scoop on the local babe scene, just ask.
- Michael Pulaski: [disinterested] Yeah, I'll do that.
- [grabbing him by the throat, Mike folds him like a balloon animal, rubs him on his head and sticks him onto a locker via static electricity, then pops him with a knife]
- Neil Goldman: Awesome.
- Glenn Quagmire: Okay, Meg, you've got a bully problem, and I'm gonna help you.
- Meg Griffin: But, Mr. Quagmire, why would you wanna help me?
- Glenn Quagmire: Because I was once in your shoes, Meg. I wasn't always the confident guy you see before you. You see, I, too, was terrorized by a bully. It was 1986, and the cola wars were at a frenzy.
- [narrating over flashbacks]
- Glenn Quagmire: I was sitting in the RC section of the cafeteria when Tracey Bellings approached.
- Tracey: [slapping him] Why aren't you drinking Coke, you dork? Pepsi would also be acceptable!
- Glenn Quagmire: It doesn't have to be a two-cola system! RC is what keeps the big guys on their toes!
- Tracey: You know what "RC" stands for, don't you? "Chicks rule!"
- Glenn Quagmire: [narrating] She was dyslexic.
- Meg Griffin: Hey, mom, I need to transfer to a different school.
- Lois Griffin: Meg, we've been over this. Just because a Facebook page has over 2,000 likes doesn't mean you have to kill yourself.
- Meg Griffin: I-It's not that. Mom, please? There's other schools. Carlisle Academy leads the state in teen pregnancies. So... I might meet somebody.
- Lois Griffin: Meg, Carlisle Academy's a private school. We can't afford it. Don't you remember how much money your father wasted so he could make grand staircase entrances?
- [cutaway]
- Glenn Quagmire: [ringing the doorbell] Hey, is Peter here?
- Lois Griffin: [sighing] Hang on. Peter!
- Peter Griffin: [at the top of a grand staircase, dressed as a Southern belle] Why, Glenn Quagmire. It's been ten years if it's been a day.
- [he tiptoes down to accompanying orchestral music]
- Brian Griffin: [opening a package he receives] Ahh! Oh, God!
- Peter Griffin: [laughing, with blood soaking through his pants at the crotch] What's in the box, Brian? I got you good!
- [pause]
- Peter Griffin: I don't feel right. I want it back.
- Patty: Hey, did you guys hear about that new kid?
- Meg Griffin: The emo Muslim?
- Esther: No, this other guy, Mike Pulaski. He's a complete psycho. I heard he knifed a kid on the playground, then beat up the knife.
- Patty: I heard he can watch "Friday Night Lights" without crying.
- Ruth: Meg, are you okay?
- Meg Griffin: You guys, I've tried everything, but it's hopeless! He's going to kill me. I can already picture my funeral.
- [cutaway to a funeral service; as a casket is lowered into the ground, Peter throws her body in underneath it]
- Peter Griffin: Thanks. Didn't wanna pay for the hole.
- Principal Shepherd: Good morning, students. This is Principal Shepherd with the morning announcements. Remember that all wagers on Friday's Meg Griffin slaughter must be on my desk by Thursday. Also, Zack Morris, if you could stop freezing time to talk to the camera, the day would go a lot faster.
- Glenn Quagmire: Over the years, I've tested the limits of the human body. How much it can stuff in, swallow, or choke on. How a scrotum can be stretched into a makeshift sail if stranded at sea. All this knowledge is gonna help you win your fight.
- Meg Griffin: Oh, thanks, Mr. Quagmire. I'll take any help I can get. I haven't been this scared since my dad stopped showering for six months.
- Chris Griffin: [cutaway to the Griffins eating dinner] Great meat loaf, mom.
- Lois Griffin: Thanks, honey.
- Peter Griffin: [as a giant pile of garbage] Hungry! Pour food on my pile!
- Lois Griffin: Okay, Peter, here you go.
- Peter Griffin: Mmm. I will assimilate this new smell into the larger borg of my smells.
- Brian Griffin: Peter, what are you doing?
- Peter Griffin: I'm just getting ready for bed. What's wrong?
- Brian Griffin: You're... you're naked. I'm... I'm right here.
- Peter Griffin: Who cares? You're my dog. Everybody gets naked in front of their dog. Besides, you're always naked, except for when Lois dresses you up in that rain gear.
- [cutaway]
- Lois Griffin: Okay, everyone in the car! We're going to Martha's Vineyard!
- Brian Griffin: [wearing a rain-repellent hat and raincoat] Do I have to wear this on the ferry?
- Lois Griffin: Yes, you do.
- Brian Griffin: What about Peter? Why... why doesn't he have to wear this crap?
- Lois Griffin: Peter's in his crate.
- Peter Griffin: [inside a pet carrier] I'm actually relieved. The ferry would be overstimulating.
- Lois Griffin: Oh, good, you're alone.
- Brian Griffin: Hey, Lois. Why are you wearing a robe?
- Lois Griffin: Well, I heard about how Peter's making you see him naked lately, so I thought the only way to get even is for you to see me naked.
- Brian Griffin: Wh... really?
- Lois Griffin: Yeah. It only seems fair.
- Brian Griffin: [his tail wagging] You know what? That makes sense to me. I mean...
- Lois Griffin: All right, here we go.
- [she opens her robe, revealing a naked Peter underneath]
- Peter Griffin: [laughing as Brian shouts in disgust] You thought you were gonna see my wife's penis, but, no, it's mine!
- Lois Griffin: [laughing, too] You idiot!
- Brian Griffin: [singing] Doo doo doo doo doo/Taking a shower/Taking a little break to bite at the water...
- Peter Griffin: I can never forget that moment as long as live.
- Meg Griffin: Oh what's wrong did you two had a bad.
- Stewie Griffin: Trever said he's gonna rip me to shreds.
- Brian Griffin: Mad Dog said he's gonna bash my skull in.
- Stewie Griffin: I'm gonna kill myself.
- Brian Griffin: I love Stewie.
- Meg Griffin: Brian, Stewie stop don't kill yourselves.
- Meg Griffin: No don't kill yourselves stop it.
- Brian Griffin: Hello? Cynthia! Oh, my God! So good to hear from you!
- [Peter sneaks into the lounge room, naked]
- Brian Griffin: Sure, I can talk. I'm just sitting out here in the open.
- [snickering]
- Brian Griffin: My car? It's a Prius.
- [chuckles]
- Brian Griffin: I wouldn't say I'm specifically a hero for driving one. The heroes are the ones who come back from lraq and drive a Prius.
- [Peter leaps in front of the couch]
- Peter Griffin: Gotcha!
- [finds a Snoopy doll with a tape recorder playing Brian's voice on it]
- Peter Griffin: Wha... What the hell?
- Brian Griffin: Hey! You looking for me?
- [Brian, his fur all shaved, stands before Peter]
- Peter Griffin: [cringes at the sight of Brian] Oh, God! What the hell is that?
- Brian Griffin: What's wrong? You look uncomfortable. Here, let me give you a hug.
- [approaches Peter with his arms out]
- Peter Griffin: [backs away from Brian in disgust] Aah! Get away from me, you gremlin!
- [falls backwards against the wall and Brian climbs onto Peter's chest and hugs him]
- Peter Griffin: Aah! No!
- Brian Griffin: Why don't you rub my belly, pal?
- [rubs Peter's hand over his six nipples, Peter whimpers and wails in disgust as he felt Brian's nipples]
- Peter Griffin: Your skin is so loose and wrinkly! It's like I'm just pushing around a plastic bag full of chicken bones! Ugh! Why do you have so many nipples?
- Brian Griffin: You gonna put your clothes on?
- Peter Griffin: Yes! Yes! I swear! You gonna keep 'em on? Yes, I promise! I'll never bother you again with my body!
- [breaks down crying]
- Peter Griffin: Please, just make this stop!
- Brian Griffin: Good.
- [Chris walks into the room]
- Chris Griffin: Dad, can you give me a ride to the... ?
- [screams when he sees Brian naked on Peter]
- Chris Griffin: What is that thing?
- [scratches his eyes out]
- Chris Griffin: Aah! Make it go away!
- [falls to the ground whimpering]
- Chris Griffin: [Lois walks in with a basket of laundry]
- Lois Griffin: What's going on in here?
- [sees Brain naked on Peter's chest, Peter whimpering and Chris crying]
- Lois Griffin: Oh, my God, is that a fucking rat? Peter, hold it down, I'm getting the gun!
- Glenn Quagmire: That was the beginning of a long, abusive relationship. It's one thing if you put your penis inside out in the safety of your own bedroom, but to have it done in the cafeteria ... To this day, I can't have sex with a woman against her will without thinking about rape.
- Brian Griffin: My car? It's a Prius. I wouldn't say I'm specifically a hero for driving one. The heroes are the ones who come back from Iraq and drive a Prius.
- Schoolyard Boy: He punched her pretty.
- Brian Griffin: Stewie, you gotta help me! Peter just won't led up with the nudity.
- Stewie Griffin: Well, you know how the fat man operates. He won't stop unless he's stopped. The only way you're going to end this is if you find a way to even the score. YOU'VE got to be nude!
- Brian Griffin: Stewie, I am nude. I'm just covered with fur.
- Stewie Griffin: Well, shave it off! Give him a taste of his own medicine.
- Brian Griffin: Oh, maybe you're right. I mean, I gotta do something. This is just one of those things he won't led up with. Like when he was guest hosting "Inside the Actor's Studio."
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