Mila Kunis: Meg Griffin

A Fistful of Meg

Meg Griffin

Meg Griffin: So, I guess you heard about the fight, huh?
Glenn Quagmire: Oh, yeah, they're talking about it in all the girls' bathrooms.
Meg Griffin: I'm so dead.
Glenn Quagmire: No, you're not, because I'm gonna help you defeat Mike Pulaski.
Meg Griffin: You are?
Glenn Quagmire: That's right. Be at my house first thing tomorrow morning, and we'll get started.
Meg Griffin: Wow, thanks, Mr. Quagmire. Well, I better get home.
[she gets into the Dr. Seuss-ish bicycle that Stewie imagined earlier and rides off]
Glenn Quagmire: What a good way to get around town.

Meg Griffin: I figured out how to get out of this fight. All I have to do is get expelled. That sex tape I released should be everywhere by now, and then they'll have to kick me out of the school.
[seeing it has zero views]
Meg Griffin: Come on! Really?
[the view-count increases to 1]
Meg Griffin: [with an excited gasp] Ooh.
Stewie Griffin: [cut to him in his bedroom] You know what? Good for her.

Meg Griffin: [the school jocks are asking for $1,000 to beat up Mike] $1,000? All right. But it's gonna be hard to get that kind of money. I mean, I'm not Judge Judy.
[cutaway]
Judge Judy: Hi, I'm Judge Judy. I get paid $45 million a year to yell at people who have nothing. Now here's an ad about a fat-people disease you have.

Meg Griffin: [accidentally spilling some of her lunch on Mike] Oh, my god! I'm so sorry!
Michael Pulaski: What's your name, dude?
Chris Griffin: [off-screen] Meg Griffin!
Michael Pulaski: [grabbing her] 3:00, Friday. I will destroy you.
Meg Griffin: [Chris approaches] Chris, you have my back, right?
Chris Griffin: I don't know. Let me check.
[lifting his shirt]
Chris Griffin: Yeah.
Meg Griffin: Okay, I'm gonna need it for the fight.
[he peels it off]

Ruth: Hey, Megan.
Meg Griffin: Oh, hey, guys. Wait, did you just call me Megan?
Ruth: That's your name, isn't it?
Meg Griffin: Well, actually, "Meg" is short for something else.
[cutaway to Lois giving birth]
Lois Griffin: [giving him the birth certificate] Peter, would you give this to the nurse?
Peter Griffin: Uh-huh.
[changing her name to "Megatron"]
Peter Griffin: [with a giggle, he hums the Transformers theme] Robots in disguise.

Brian Griffin: Meg, what's wrong?
Meg Griffin: Some psycho just transferred to my school, and he's going to kill me!
Stewie Griffin: [she runs off crying] Boy, she must really be PBS-ing, huh?
Brian Griffin: What?
Stewie Griffin: I mean, it's like, pop a couple of tampons, you know?
Brian Griffin: Stewie, do you even know what a menstrual cycle is?
Stewie Griffin: Uh, yeah, Brian.
[in a thought bubble, he imagines a Dr. Seuss-ish bicycle]
Stewie Griffin: It's a good way to get around town, that's what it is.

Glenn Quagmire: Okay, Meg, you've got a bully problem, and I'm gonna help you.
Meg Griffin: But, Mr. Quagmire, why would you wanna help me?
Glenn Quagmire: Because I was once in your shoes, Meg. I wasn't always the confident guy you see before you. You see, I, too, was terrorized by a bully. It was 1986, and the cola wars were at a frenzy.
[narrating over flashbacks]
Glenn Quagmire: I was sitting in the RC section of the cafeteria when Tracey Bellings approached.
Tracey: [slapping him] Why aren't you drinking Coke, you dork? Pepsi would also be acceptable!
Glenn Quagmire: It doesn't have to be a two-cola system! RC is what keeps the big guys on their toes!
Tracey: You know what "RC" stands for, don't you? "Chicks rule!"
Glenn Quagmire: [narrating] She was dyslexic.

Meg Griffin: Hey, mom, I need to transfer to a different school.
Lois Griffin: Meg, we've been over this. Just because a Facebook page has over 2,000 likes doesn't mean you have to kill yourself.
Meg Griffin: I-It's not that. Mom, please? There's other schools. Carlisle Academy leads the state in teen pregnancies. So... I might meet somebody.
Lois Griffin: Meg, Carlisle Academy's a private school. We can't afford it. Don't you remember how much money your father wasted so he could make grand staircase entrances?
[cutaway]
Glenn Quagmire: [ringing the doorbell] Hey, is Peter here?
Lois Griffin: [sighing] Hang on. Peter!
Peter Griffin: [at the top of a grand staircase, dressed as a Southern belle] Why, Glenn Quagmire. It's been ten years if it's been a day.
[he tiptoes down to accompanying orchestral music]

Patty: Hey, did you guys hear about that new kid?
Meg Griffin: The emo Muslim?
Esther: No, this other guy, Mike Pulaski. He's a complete psycho. I heard he knifed a kid on the playground, then beat up the knife.
Patty: I heard he can watch "Friday Night Lights" without crying.

Ruth: Meg, are you okay?
Meg Griffin: You guys, I've tried everything, but it's hopeless! He's going to kill me. I can already picture my funeral.
[cutaway to a funeral service; as a casket is lowered into the ground, Peter throws her body in underneath it]
Peter Griffin: Thanks. Didn't wanna pay for the hole.

Glenn Quagmire: Over the years, I've tested the limits of the human body. How much it can stuff in, swallow, or choke on. How a scrotum can be stretched into a makeshift sail if stranded at sea. All this knowledge is gonna help you win your fight.
Meg Griffin: Oh, thanks, Mr. Quagmire. I'll take any help I can get. I haven't been this scared since my dad stopped showering for six months.
Chris Griffin: [cutaway to the Griffins eating dinner] Great meat loaf, mom.
Lois Griffin: Thanks, honey.
Peter Griffin: [as a giant pile of garbage] Hungry! Pour food on my pile!
Lois Griffin: Okay, Peter, here you go.
Peter Griffin: Mmm. I will assimilate this new smell into the larger borg of my smells.