- Richie Lanz: Can you sing?
- Merci: No. But, I can fuck you like a Mouseketeer on crack.
- Richie Lanz: You can?
- Merci: Sweets, I can do things to you that are illegal in every civilized nation in the world. I will leave you broken, drooling, and speaking in tongues like a hillbilly snake-handler.
- Richie Lanz: There are four sacred bonds in this life: A parent and child, a husband and wife, a priest and confessor... and manager-talent.
- Bombay Brian: What about doctor-patient?
- Richie Lanz: This is so crazy, so random. This has got to be fate. There's got to be a reason for this. And the reason is that girl, and that TV show. I am supposed to be here. I will talk. You will translate.
- Riza: We will die.
- Richie Lanz: That's the spirit.
- Richie Lanz: Thanks for not killing me.
- Tariq: [answers in Pashtun]
- Richie Lanz: What did he say?
- Riza: "The day is not over yet."
- Bombay Brian: [to Richie] First you lose your girl. Now you're gonna lose your head. You're running out of shit to lose.
- Riza: [translating for village chief] "I am tired of war, and I cannot afford the peace. Allah helps the innocent."
- Richie Lanz: We have a saying: "The Lord works in mysterious ways."
- Richie Lanz: I heard a girl singing just now. Right over there. A Pashtun girl.
- Riza: No. Impossible.
- Richie Lanz: The girl in the red burka. We saw her today.
- Riza: No, Pashtun women cannot. They are forbidden to sing.
- Richie Lanz: The chick in the red burka didn't get the memo.
- Salima: From the moment you heard me sing, since you found me in the cave, since we were put here on this earth, everything in our lives has led us to this time, this place. Richie Lanz. Our story is already written, and now... now we shall play our parts. We must. There is no choice. It is God's will.
- Richie Lanz: Okay, but I want 20%. No contract. Just a handshake. That's all I've ever had. A handshake is my word.
- Salima: Allah loves those who act justly.
- Richie Lanz: All right. Back in the trunk.
- [Salima heads to the back of the car]
- Richie Lanz: I'm kidding!
- Daoud: No! You do not lecture me about courage, about my country. Never. Never. Not you. Not an American. You people. You talk and talk. Have been talking at us for far too long. Courage? There are more death threats on this show than singers.
- Salima: I must honor him with my music. I must celebrate my God with my singing. I must go to Kabul. I must.
- Richie Lanz: Hey, your preaching to the choir. But, you know, your father, family, apparently will kill me.
- Salima: Then it is Allah's will and we shall die together.
- Richie Lanz: No. No we shall not. I have no intention of dying - ever.
- Richie Lanz: I made a few bucks. I nailed a couple of hot publicists. But, I also gave up a daughter I love. But, gentlemen, Riza is right. There are four sacred bonds in this life. A parent and child. A husband and wife. A priest and confessor. And manager - talent.
- Bombay Brian: What about doctor - patient?
- Riza: And lawyer - client?
- Richie Lanz: Not sacred.
- Merci: First little bump in the road and Mr. Richie's just giving up, slinking back to his little Van Nuys world.
- Richie Lanz: I don't think you know quite what you're talking about.
- Merci: Nah, I don't know shit. I know because my Daddy told me that. "Merci, just shut up, put on a tube top, go find yourself a rich man while you still can." And for a long time, a long, too long, I believed him. But, you know what Richie? I am not dumb. I'm gonna walk outta here with a serious nest egg and open my own real estate agency in Oahu. Richie Lanz, I fought to be a winner and I do not have time for quitters and losers.
- Ronnie: We have to talk, Richie.
- Richie Lanz: No!
- Ronnie: I don't like this.
- Richie Lanz: We have to Rock!
- Richie Lanz: The first thing I do, when I arrive, I'm going to head directly to the casbah, where I will purchase you the finest...
- Dree: They don't have casbahs in Afghanistan.
- Richie Lanz: What? No - Rock the Casbah? Somebody's not going to like that.
- Richie Lanz: Life's about seeing an open door and walking right through it. Obviously, some asshole has changed the goddamn locks on me; but, there's still a door there. I can see it! I have always found a way. I always will.
- Army Warrant Officer: What time of year is it?
- Richie Lanz: May.
- Army Warrant Officer: What?
- Richie Lanz: I think that it's May.
- Army Warrant Officer: Kandahar *rocks* in May!
- Richie Lanz: Right! Right!
- Army Warrant Officer: Do the whole circuit. Herat, Mazari Sharif, two nights in Kunduz, Kabul. Do the whole thing!
- Richie Lanz: You're talking a tour?
- Army Warrant Officer: A hellacious tour, dude!
- Richie Lanz: For money?
- Army Warrant Officer: How about for your country?
- [pause]
- Army Warrant Officer: Hell ya! For a ton of money. We're at war, dude. The faucet is open.
- Richie Lanz: She stole my wallet. She took my wallet, my money, my passport.
- Private Barnes: Women, sir.
- Merci: I'm in a rented doublewide. You can ask anybody where? It's Miss Merci's 401K retirement tour. You do not want to miss it.
- Nick: Six months ago, we were Herbal Life salesmen, okay, look at us now. The goddamn ammo kings of Kabul. Who would have fuckin' figured?
- Richie Lanz: So, you gave them your guns? Does this mean we're not in a war zone here? We're safe here?
- Nick: We're totally safe. This is a tough town. Fuckin' people blowin' up all over the place. A million miles from home. Dirty. Stinky. We work hard, but, we must also play hard.
- Jake: Dancing on the edge of the volcano.
- Jake: We sell bullets to the good guys - which is karma-cally correct.
- Nick: And a $300 million contract with the damn Pentagon, dude.
- Jake: It's insane. Billions. Billions are pouring into this bitch. I am talking about the US, NGO, eh, NATO. Its a goddamn cash waterfall.
- Nick: All you gotta do is just step up, tilt your head back, and swallow.
- Richie Lanz: [at a Pashtun village dinner party] In my country, we often say thank you with a song. Ready? Ready? Ready?
- [singing]
- Richie Lanz: Smoke on the water, A fire in the night - sky, Smoke on the water, A fire in the the sky. Bring it home! Smoke on the water, A fire in the night, Smoke on the water, A fire in the night...
- Riza: A Pashtun woman? From this village? They will kill her and then, right away, they will kill us - with big, sharp rocks.
- Daoud: The judges heard a great voice. It was so amazing they invited this person to join the competition. Our beautiful Pashtun sister, Salima Khan.
- Richie Lanz: Okay, let 'em hear ya.
- Salima: [singing] Now that I've lost everything to you, You say you wanna start something new, And it's breaking my heart you're leaving, Baby, I'm grieving, But if you want to leave, take good care, Hope you have a lot of nice things to wear, But then a lot of nice things turn bad out there, Ooh baby baby, it's a wild world, It's hard to get by just upon a smile...
- Merci: Boys, its your lucky day. Alright, none of you are leavin' here with a vicious STD. Down side, Miss Merci's pullin' an early retirement. I'm hanging up my hot pants. So, I suggest you you go down to the Chinese whorehouse.
- Richie Lanz: [to Salima] Alright, when you're done. Big James Brown finish. I come out. I throw a hijab around you. Escort you off the stage.
- Merci: Richie.
- Richie Lanz: You shrug off your shoulders.
- Merci: Ritchie.
- Richie Lanz: Stroll back to the microphone. Down to a full knee drop.
- Merci: Alright. Ignore him.
- Richie Lanz: Wail that last verse one last time.
- Merci: You be you. And you look like, lady, you sing like an angel. It'll be enough.
- Bombay Brian: One thousand. American. Now.
- Richie Lanz: I assume you'll take a personal check.
- Bombay Brian: I assume you'll take a bullet to the foot.
- Richie Lanz: Look, Mr. Bombay. Or, do you go by Mumbai now?
- Bombay Brian: Twenty-four hours! You pay me or you die.
- Salima: [singing] Now I've been happy lately, Thinking about the good things to come, And I believe it could be, Something good has begun, Oh, I've been smiling lately, Dreaming about the world as one, And I believe it could be, Someday it's going to come, 'Cause I'm on the edge of darkness, There rides the Peace Train, Oh, Peace Train take this country, Come take me home again, Now I've been smiling lately, Thinkin' about the good things to come, And I believe it could be, Something good has begun...
- Merci: So, you want to say something?
- Richie Lanz: Yeah.
- Merci: Okay. Say it!
- Richie Lanz: What - is a beauty like you - doing with a goof like me.
- Merci: You never heard of a Merci fuck?
- Richie Lanz: I got an idea.
- Merci: Of course you do, hun.
- Richie Lanz: Its a million to one shot. But, so were the Bay City Rollers.
- TV Announcer: With her performance of "Wild World" by Yusuf Islam on Afghan Star, a young girl has created a big controversy through all of Afghanistan. She defied her tradition by being the first woman to sing on television and shocked the audience and judges by singing in English.
- [first lines]
- Maureen: [having just finished singing her audition] Mr. Lanz? I'm done.
- Richie Lanz: [long pause] No.
- [sighs]
- Richie Lanz: Forgive me. No. You're just beginning.
- Maureen: You liked it?
- Richie Lanz: Liked it? You made me want to swallow poison. And forget pitch, rhythm and tone... and emotional attachment to the lyric or the melody.
- Maureen: I'm sorry. I don't think I...
- Richie Lanz: A grain of sand slips into an oyster... and irritates the bivalve. What happens?
- Maureen: A pearl.
- Richie Lanz: Celine Dion. Miss Nicki Minaj. Christina Aguilera occasionally. All of them deeply, profoundly irritating. Each one of 'em a huge star. You - mighty Mo - are that irritant.
- [inhales]
- Maureen: So you'll represent me?
- Richie Lanz: If you'll have me... Richie Lanz Management... globally, in all markets.
- Maureen: [squeals, laughs]
- Ronnie: [entering] Welcome to the team.
- Maureen: Thank you! Thank you. So $1,200?
- Richie Lanz: It's just to cover wardrobe, studio time, gym classes.
- Maureen: Oh, I go to a gym...
- Richie Lanz: Wanna get you a good blender too.
Contribute to this page
Suggest an edit or add missing content
