- Agness: Aww, don't get your panties in a wad. How in the hell can ya'll be scary, scary people in your movies and you're just pussies in person.
- Mountain Man: Look out there, Freddie. Freddie!
- Soggy Christian: It's Teddy. Freddie was the first one. I'm... number two.
- Mountain Man: I'm talking to the dog... Teddy.
- Kid: [to R.A] Which one are you?
- Kane: That's R.A. Mihailoff. He's the shit. The real deal. He can't talk because his mother burned his tongue out with a curling iron when he was... Wait, how old are you?
- Kid: Eleven. I like the fourth quiltface better. The fourth quiltface was cool.
- Kane: The fourth quiltface was CGI.
- R.A.: I was eleven.
- Kid: If your mother burned your tongue out when you were eleven, how come you can talk now?
- R.A.: You're eleven now. How come you can talk?
- Kid: Because I'm alive, you moron.
- R.A.: I can fix that.
- [brings out a circular saw]
- R.A.: You weren't in number three. Richard was number three.
- Kane: I know that. But he'd do the same for me. May God rest his soul.
- R.A., Soggy Christian: May God rest his soul.
- Don: You gonna talk over him?
- Kane: We didn't bury him.
- Don: Well, it looked like you were gonna say something. So either say it or cover him the fuck up.
- Trixie: Poor R.A.
- Don: Why are we wasting our time with Thelma? There's a great RV just down the road.
- Randy: What the hell are you talking about?
- Don: Well... the old fucker's dead. He died of a heart attack or AIDS or some damn thing. And I had to shoot mini Cujo. So let's take his RV.
- Kane: So because he's dead, we can just take his RV?
- Don: He sure as fuck isn't gonna use it.
- Soggy Christian: Hey, where's Malcolm?
- Randy: Found a boat, his hat, spare tire but no Malcolm.
- Trixie: The hell did you get us into anyway, Kane?
- Kane: Got you into a thousand bucks, that's what.
- Trixie: Got us into a cluster fuck.
- Kane: Take needle dick here down to the old fucker's RV and bring it up here. At least all of us can sleep inside tonight.
- Don: Come on, bounce-boy.
- Randy: You old fuckers are funny.
- Kane: Today is Friday the thirteenth. We are the biggest stars in the biggest horror films in the history of horror films, and we can't give our pictures away! It's a shit day, R.A.! If Friday the 13th is shit then Saturday the 14th will be even shittier! Wake up and small the AARP card!
- Kane: It was you, you crazy bitch. You killed 'em all.
- Dee Dee: Don's dead. Just like all the rest of 'em. Isn't that all you horror guys want? Everyone just die?
- Kane: We're actors, you stupid bitch. It's fuckin' movies.
- Dee Dee: Go ahead. Pull the trigger. You're covered in gasoline you idiot. You'll lite yourself on fire. Again. Wouldn't that be fun... Kane.
- Kane: That's not how it happened.
- Dee Dee: You'll never do it. The hero never shoots the girl.
- Kane: I've never been the hero.
- [shoots Dee Dee]
- R.A.: We call top bunk.
- Kane: Nobody calls top bunk.
- Soggy Christian: Who died and made you Thelma's king?
- Kane: She's my motorhome. I am the king of Thelma.
- Soggy Christian: Thelma is a Mini Winnie. And a Mini Winnie does not make a motorhome!