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Tired of facing apathetic teenagers daily, meek chemistry teacher Keith Church decides to resign from Greybridge Secondary School but changes his mind when comely Sarah Postern arrives to replace the recently deceased French teacher. However games teacher Trevor Gunn is equally smitten, as is gay drama mistress Janine Klebb, whilst lab assistant Pat has the hots for Keith. Keith offers Sarah a lift home but when the car stalls he and Trevor almost come to blows. Meanwhile music teacher Mr Martin wants to replace Mozart on the syllabus with the Kaiser Chiefs, Welsh geography teacher Mr Barber finds himself the subject of toilet graffiti and the abrasive head Ms. Baron augments her drinks cabinet with alcohol confiscated from the pupils.

With the Children In Need television appeal coming up Sarah proposes to an unimpressed headmistress that the staff perform a talent contest for charity. Keith is reluctant to take part until Sarah suggests a duet with him accompanying her on his oboe but they fall out over the choice of song and argue publicly. Come the evening of the contest Gareth Barber's Welsh song and Janine's feminist poem lose out to Trevor's Keith Lemon impression but when Keith decides to rejoin Sarah for their duet they go down a storm. Unfortunately they are beaten by Luke Martin, who, having previously declined to enter as a protest against commercialism, summons a choir to help him win the contest.

Keith catches Trevor Gunn buying drugs and reports him to Ms Baron - who confiscates them for her own use. Gunn gets his chance for revenge when Keith, who has just signed up to Facebook, leaves his computer on by accident. As a result, the quiet evening Keith had anticipated with Sarah to discuss the merger of their chess and draughts clubs is interrupted by half the school being sent to his house on the promise of a party advertised online. Keith is caught holding a joint somebody has handed him but rather than sack him Ms Baron gets him to give an anti-drugs lecture to the school, making him a hero.

Pupil Josh Hardy's mother ran off with a Masai warrior on a family trip to Kenya so Sarah asks the other teachers to be sensitive - at which the men fail dismally. To take him out of himself Janine gives him a part in her hip-hop version of 'Romeo and Juliet' (called 'Juliet and Romeo') and, feeling sorry for his father Simon, Sarah invites him to the show, which she is reviewing for the school magazine, as her guest. This angers Keith who protests, leading to somebody getting a punch on the nose and Keith having to choose between being pursued by Janine or seduced by adoring lab assistant Pat.

Sarah decides to enter the Iron Man challenge for charity and Trevor Gunn offers to help her to train, leading to Keith, who is jealous, joining their sessions in his vest and pants. A vengeful Gunn puts it about that Sarah and Keith are having an affair, which results in the two men brawling in public and being sent to the headmistress. Meanwhile Gareth finds that he has taught his class the wrong syllabus for their exam and has to help them through it by cheating.

Sarah organizes a school trip to Dieppe and needs three other teachers to accompany her. Gareth, Gunn and Janine Klebb all sign up ahead of Keith, who has to bribe Janine with a trip to Disneyland to take her place. On arrival at the hotel in France Gunn sells the children cheap beer whilst Gareth passes out and has to be undressed and put to bed. Keith takes the spare bed in Sarah's room but has the runs all night. Next morning Gareth claims he has been sexually violated and insists the party return to England. Ms Baron is displeased with the account of the trip and cancels all further excursions - though at least Sarah and Keith admit they enjoyed spending time together.