Darkside Witches (2015) User Reviews

My Review Of "Darkside Witches"

[ASouthernHorrorFan · 4/10 · 7 July 2015]

First the story, it is a cool throwback to more Gothic, dark fantasy horror revolving around witches, persecution and revenge. You could place this situation in any European and Colonial setting and the story is the same. Females burned for being witches, town cursed, and wah-lah! Witches survive to get their vengeance. I actually love these kinds of films involving the occult and witches. The classic, old world concept of witches that may be insensitive to the modern day witch/Wiccan, but true to our ancient past's view of the hag/crone/wicked maiden.

Gerard Diefenthal manages to give the story some lift, creating iconic character types, Gothic settings, and plenty of drama mixed with gore. The film does move almost mirror-image to what I image the storyboard concept looked like. The transitions are blunt, quick changing and move the story quickly from moment to moment much like graphic novel/animation adaptations tend to do. For example one moment there is a woman in the kitchen preparing and in the next instant the scene transitions to her handing some homeless guy soup or something to eat with a wicked grin. The dialog is not over- burdening to the story, only crucial conversations that give the plot and sinister plans the witches have for the town, other characters idle chatter, or short scenes with just a couple of sentences. It allows for the action and suggested drama tell a lot of the story instead of some long speech like dialog delivered laboriously by the cast. It is overdubbed so be warned.

Now for me the nail in the coffin for this film isn't the overdubbed vs. subtitle choice, it is the CGI choices that were made to create the supernatural, witchy-ness side of the film. It is very low grade stuff, closer to Syfy on a dime. Think "Witchville". It is almost comical when those scenes take over the story. It all really shreds "Darkside Witches" momentum, and potential for being one of the modern day cult classics - you know the ones that are so bad they are good. Well the CGI here is just really bad and sad. That said, there are some really awesome, gory moments that use splattergore styled practical effects that scream Italian giallo! Really nice blood drenched moments. And the nudity is almost on soft-core porn level.

All this is why I had to watch the film a few times. At first I thought-"What is this crap?", then the practical effects moments kicked in and I was like "Heck yeah!". Overall "Darkside Witches" is not gonna go over well for most horror fans, I mean this film is really gonna aim at a small select group of people who like the Syfy, CGI saturated stuff that uses gaming level computer effects. I am truly conflicted. Not because I am split on the film. I am conflicted because I liked the story, I love films about witches, and the gore and horror here, when practical choices are made, are awesome! Yet the overdubbed voices are so hokey and kill the seriousness of the dialog and scenes that it is troublesome. The CGI is, in all honesty, crap! And the transitions and smoothness of the story just moves to choppy and hurried to allow for any real connection with the characters.

Oh the PAIN and Mental damage one must sustain.

[bernardlcrawford · 1/10 · 30 May 2015]

I actually found myself watching a movie in the early morning hours by the name of "Darkside Witches." It's predecessor named "The Really Nice and Spunky Eastside Witches" is about a wondrous group of likable witches that help the elderly, make tasty treats for bake sales and do magic tricks at kids birthday parties and was only seen by three people. One of those people was my next door neighbor who temporarily lost his sight for a week after viewing it. The film has been confiscated and placed in an impenetrable vault by the military for use at a later date.

"Darkside Witches" is a completely inane and incompetently Italian film that IF you make it through to the end you will have a similar reaction to mine. My first thought was "What the HELL was that?" The director/writer/ janitor (Yes he did it all) could not make up his mind whether to make a horror movie or a porno movie. I must admit a fascination for the sex portion of the movie since it is badly dubbed and I found myself laughing at the inane dialogue. Is dialogue REALLY necessary for a porn scene? Obviously some of the actors are employed in the porn industry.

Here are various variables I learned about life as I watched this particular movie.

That people do have only their reality and a small portion of it shared. Two police officers and the town's mayor all clearly see a 300 pound demonic reptilian quadruped jump from the bushes just ten feet from where they are carrying on a conversation and it even roars at them menacingly. Does that phase them? No.The youngest officer later in the movie has this beast run across the road in front of him as he is driving at night. He makes a comment to his passenger about the "Strange dog." RIGHT!

All demonic voices with NO exception in every horror movies features a voice digitally lowered 3 octaves or more and has a flanged effect integrated. Just once I would love to hear a normal voice speak or how about something completely different, a high pitched voice or a speech impediment.

Witches when in the process of being burned at the stake by the inquisition shoot into the night sky as dark cylinders that explode like fireworks on the Fourth of July. The inquisitors just stood there and said "Ooooh" and "Awwww" as the sky lit up in various colors their mouth agape.

Priest can be heinously burned and still proceed in their duties as a priest. Just wrap yourself up like a mummy with the exception of the mouth and one eye. Do not care it is disconcerting to the congregation that you never change the bandages and they are appallingly soaked and stained with blood and seeping fluid. Who cares? I will take communion from that nasty ass hand you are holding the communion wafer in!

Witches have a certain wardrobe agenda when approaching that very special end of the world and Satan is going to be in control ceremony. It is made clear it is a very small Italian village. All the witches with the exception of the coven leader are all wearing very elaborately created leather outfits. They must have traveled a vast distance to have these tailored made. Satan apparently loves leather. One was wearing white leather after Labor Day which is a fashion big no-no.

Always have a science person with you when fighting the forces of evil so that they can utilize complex equipment to attempt to give alternate explanations for the parallel dimensions you are being dragged into while assailed by demons. Not a good time to be doing research utilizing calculation, postulations and conjecture to arrive at a cogent possibility.

Priest are much more effective against the powers of darkness when wearing a leather riding duster and looking like he should have a half smoked stogie in his mouth via Clint Eastwood. I almost half expected the score to be written by Ennio Morricone. I love his scores. Our hero should have been "The priest with no name!"

These are just a few of the joys that encompass this film. All in all it is a completely enigmatic, incomprehensible hodgepodge of bad acting, bad CGI work and it is left open ended for a sequel. OH joy!

Not just stupid

[Lokisgodhi · 1/10 · 10 May 2015]

This movie wasn't just stupid, it was beyond stupid.

The graphics s/f/x looked like they were done by a child on a home computer. I've honestly seen movies created by kids on you-tube which featured better graphics.

The storyline was inane and convoluted. There was nothing about it that was unique. It makes Quentin Tarantino's rip off scripts look good, which is a monumental task.

The casting looked like they just hired a bunch of porn actors and actresses for scale. The characters were trite and superficial. There was nothing about them that made you empathize with them or root for them. The actor who played the lead 'hero' priest looked like a refugee from a mobster movie.

I can't believe anyone actually thought it would be a good business decision to pay to dub this Italian production film into English so it could be released in the US. Dealing drugs would have been a better decision.

Don't waste your time.

There's no boundaries to push, yet tries to shock and fails

[ernesti · 1/10 · 9 July 2015]

I was surprised to see anything coming from Italy these days and oh well, I was very disappointed to see how distasteful this film is. Many B- movies of the 60's and 70's were made with a sense of style and with a heart. Most of them didn't feature pornographic nudity and are now pretty much innocent by today's standards. Still they're not movies for the whole family.

The makers of this film surely didn't think twice about what kind of nudity in a film is acceptable if they're making a serious film. It's really an insult to say that this is a homage to the old B- flicks. The old movies were made professionally, they had professional writers, even professional directors, professional actors, professional crew. Many even had high production values of that day and still look stunning and many films were Italian. And when you compare to this, 2 million dollars doesn't appear to be money well spent if that was the budget.

I can't understand why the makers obviously wanted to push the boundaries in this day and age when just about anything is acceptable in a film. This movie even makes contemporary Argento films look so much better.

The good thing about this movie is that I got free sweets

[BerryCat · 1/10 · 23 January 2016]

That movie was part of our cinemas "Midnight Movie" feature where you get to see a B or even independent movie for 5 bucks and you receive a voucher for sweets in the same value. Sometimes you'll see great films but like in this case ... the sweets saved my evening.

Story: There's one maybe. But I didn't get it. The cuts are so fast that you sometimes don't understand where you are and esp. when. That wont help you to understand the story. The cuts are so fast that you can't follow where the characters are. SPOILER: There's one scene in which the priest talks to his supervisor which wants him to fight evil once more. Than a cut appears and you'll see a empty chair and hear a woman's voice who talks to the same supervisor and both talk about the fighting priest like he's sitting next to her.

Characters: There are a bunch of characters, but most of them are not introduced, so you don't care if they die or what their purpose is.

There's a group around the priest that just pops in, they might been fighting evil a very long time together but you don't feel it and they act very weird. The most thing what really confused me is, that this group gets one more member during the movie which pops in during a fight and he acts like he was there the whole time.

Effects: The effects are very badly animated. They monsters look blurry, which makes it hard to identify what it is. The blood seems to be put over the picture which covers the wound so that they didn't need to made it up.

Dialogues: The voices sound like disappointed porn actors, which gave me a good lough.

Conclusion:

Watch a porn when you would like to the boobs or some nice booty. You'll have some good loughs with the German voice actors but the only good thing about this movie is, that I got some free sweets :3

A disgrace.

[filipemanuelneto · 1/10 · 7 August 2017]

When I found this movie, I thought it was just another horror movie of low quality but minimally funny and tolerable. Unfortunately, I was wrong. This movie is a poorly cooked mix of weak horror, gore and porn. Far from being minimally acceptable, it's a witch story that blends elements of past and present, and there is something for everyone. You can see a demonic creature like a dog full of steroids and heroin, tropical bats roaming the scene as if they were in the jungles of Thailand or Central America, a priest burned and looking like a disgusting mummy, the two dumbest cops that Carabinieri has ever had, a horrible CGI of laughable taste and quality, witches wearing provocative leather clothes, several scenes of cannibalism and hard gore, at least one VERY explicit sex scene worthy of a porn movie etc... etc...

In the same way that the plot doesn't deserve major comments, the same happens with the cast, who blends a lot of beginners, who should never have made cinema in their life, and professionals of Italian porn movies. Barbara Bouchet is the only name that can be recognized by some audience because she entered in the film "Gangs of New York" and gave life to Miss Moneypenny, in the non-canonical film "007 Casino Royale" (1967). Besides this decadent actress, we can point Gerard Diefenthal, at the same time actor, screenwriter, director and responsible for this cinematographic abortion. Its a pity that such a film cannot be a reason to prevent this director from making more films the same way that police can take our driving license for some reason. Unfortunately, the possibility of a sequel was suggested with an open end. I will pray to God with all my strength that this sequel NEVER happens. It would be a disgrace!

Constantine meets Boobs

[gkmr2 · 8/10 · 12 May 2015]

This film is about a case of witchcraft back in mirage in Northern Italy. During the burning at the stake the women made a pact with the devil to reincarnate in exchange of eternal worship. Back to our days these nice women are reborn to slaughter men of their village and overthrown the balance of good and evil and finally bring the hell on earth helped by the demon Pazuzu.

While not the most original one, the plot may look at the same time a bit ambitious for an indie movie. Speaking about the supernatural Genre this one has it all: witches, demons, exorcism, black mass, human sacrifices and even soft porn scenes!

Massive use flashback, flash forward and CGI make the film enjoyable and challenging at times. The atmosphere are somehow creepy and disquieting. The acting and character were overall OK, with exception of Sibilla AKA Barbara Bouchet that still sporta some kind of charme and talent way above the average of the movie. Special Effects not the best ones in my opinion especially when a naked woman turned witch rip off the heart of a man in a pub, but that scene is amazing for another reason and you'll see. Surprisingly good CGI, lot's of digital environments and flying creature makes this film a gem in that sense, especially you think that is an Italian indie movie.

Everyone who watched last Argento's efforts know what I'm talking about. Among the most successful scenes there is the Garden of Temptation where a bunch of pretty neat babies try to seduce Don Gabriel, and the descent to the hell where the Gabriel and the Crisp priest are brought by evil forces. Even the flying evil witches and the big demon are hi quality computer graphics. All in all a good movie enjoyable from and for the fans of old Italian Horror with a touch of porn, computer magic and a taste of vintage Hammer production.

It was good.

[sssmsabir · 10/10 · 30 April 2015]

I love Horror and Fantasy film. After watching this I was a bit disturbed and surprised, for the intense final and the twisted plot. I never knew what was happening next, and I got some thrilling moments, that isn't a bad thing for an horror I think. The story of the movie is interesting, at first it may seem naive and hard to follow, but at the end it gets it's point. It's based on true tale of witchcraft and Inquisition. The film recounts how these women were burned at the stake get revenge with the help of a demon. The music from Claudio Simonetti (Suspiria, Deep Red etc) is also good and chilling sometimes. CGI and graphics are very good, with some good animation and creatures and some hell scenery really well done. So many shocking moments like the witch ripping off the p***s of a brute in a bar, and a lot of boobs! All in all a real good unconventional dirty horror indie flick. I would recommend it to every crazy film lovers, you won't get bored.

It's fair.

[marifmahmud · 7/10 · 11 May 2015]

After seeing the movie I'm going to rate it 5 stars out of 10. I'm a die hard fan of horror film. This film is okay, but I felt uncomfortable for the costumes, characters. Graphics quality needs to improve more. The film is too dirty for watch with your family. The dialogue in the movie was horribly scripted, and many times you sit there and think 'did they really just say that?' Most of the time the dialogue doesn't have a particularly natural flow to it and comes off as forced and artificial. Predictable and with a weak argument, however well acted, with great lessons and a fair story. But I might could be more interesting.

Creepy, laughable, weird and hot...

[facenuke · 10/10 · 11 May 2015]

This movie wasn't just beyond stupid, it was original and creepy!

I don't know what problem you have "Lokisgodhi", this site is just full of stupid trolls that think to be clever. I watched this film twice, once alone and once with some friends. It's fun and I think really original, instant cult classic to my eyes.

As an old school Italian horror fan what you can see in this film is the passion the filmmakers put inside this production. CGI is way beyond average indie production, and the plot and editing just brilliant. I think the director has a knack to make you feel uncomfortable and deceive the spectator. Character may seem superficial and sketchy but at they manage to sustain the weird plot to end.

All in all a cool flick to watch that keeps you excited for 90 min and more. Really hope they make a sequel out of it.

Horror film of the year!

[benanderson868 · 9/10 · 30 April 2015]

After watching the movie, My first impression was like "wow, I need more like this". This is A pure horror movie. And because I am A huge fan of horror movie, I really enjoyed the movie. It's got all those good effects, lots of blood and the soundtracks were so good that it felt like I was in the movie. It's A combination of horror, craziness, shocking, action as well as some fun. The graphics was too good. And there are certain surprises by which I was really entertained. I have to say I really liked the witches, vampires within the movie. It really reminded me of A game "The Evil Within". It has a vintage taste like an old Hammer film mixed up with some of the best Italian genre pearl from Lucio Fulci or Mario Bava with a soft porn touch and CGI boost. This is one of the best indie horror movies that I have watched lately and I can bet that if you like mad stuff you wanna watch this one.

A (new) retro late 70's / 80's B horror/gore flick worth watching...

[kdbcf · 7/10 · 17 June 2015]

If you love unusual B horror films, Italian horror especially, you might like this movie. It has a retro 80's soundtrack that is quite good and an interesting mix of sex, Satan worship, witchcraft & gore. I've seen comparisons made to old Hanmer movies...that's a reach IMO. Hammer movies were much better than this, almost all of them were but I know what the commentator was trying to get across. This movie is a retro attempt at the sort of B horror movies made in the late 70's & throughout the 80's in Italy & Spain. My wife quit on it 20min into it, I watched it twice back to back so there you go. I think it's destined to be a B horror cult classic myself.