Don't Trust the B---- in Apartment 23 (TV Series)

The Seven Year B----... (2013)

Krysten Ritter: Chloe

Photos 

Quotes 

• [first lines] 

  June Colburn : [narrating]  Every relationship has its own dynamic. For example, my Mom and I still like to talk every night before bed.

  Connie Colburn : [Skype]  And then the dog found my other gardening cloth. And that's everything that happened to me today.

  Donald Colburn : And the day isn't over yet.

  [kisses wife] 

  Donald Colburn : Let's put on some Lyle Lovett and get horizontal.

  Connie Colburn : Ah...

  June Colburn : Okay, bye!

  [closes laptop with a grimace] 

  June Colburn : But I don't think I will ever understand Chloe and James' dynamic.

  Chloe : [as they enter, pretend-bickering:]  Good thing your face was so oily tonight. I could check my makeup on your forehead.

  James Van Der Beek : I wish you had. You look like a runner-up in a town's beauty pageant in Ohio.

  Chloe : You look like you just got back from the Douchey Awards, and won five Doucheys.

  James Van Der Beek : Only award you could ever win is for letting rappers touch you.

  June Colburn : I don't get how you guys can talk to each other like that. It's so mean. Especially before bedtime.

  James Van Der Beek : It's not mean, it's just us.

  Chloe : [to June]  What I don't get is what the hell you're wearing.

  June Colburn : Oh, they're my Midwest breakfast pajamas. I've had them since high school.

  Chloe : [to James]  When I was in high school, you were a grown man pretending to be in high school on TV.

  James Van Der Beek : Watching me pretend to be in high school on TV was as close to high school as you ever got.

  June Colburn : You're agitating me. I'm gonna need a second cup of chamomile to go to sleep.

• June Colburn : I can't believe James has been seeing the same girl for a month. It's so sweet that he likes her enough that he wants to introduce her to us.

  [smiles] 

  June Colburn : It's like we're his parents.

  Chloe : Or his friends, June.

  [brings her down:] 

  Chloe : Or just his friend.

• Chloe : [at restaurant]  Oh, I know this place! I ran out here on a check once, but it's okay, I was wearing a wig.

  [pinned up against the wall, photograph of this disguised culprit marked 'Do not serve'] 

• Eli Webber : [re his arty butter expo]  My art show flyers are ready.

  June Colburn : Cool! I'm excited! I love butter!

  Chloe : Why, because you're from one of those states where cholesterol is the natural food group?

  June Colburn : What are you talking about?

  Chloe : Do your people eat straight from the churn, or do they use plates?

  June Colburn : Wait, I'm not doing this mean thing with you.

  Chloe : Does anyone in your family have their original knees?

• June Colburn : [after Chloe and James' argument]  We've got to do something! They're breaking up!

  Luther Wilson : Don't worry, I've got this.

  Chloe : [Luther's cell-phone camera flashes]  Hey!

  [tries to evade] 

  Luther Wilson : [smiles at unflattering snapshot]  Too slow, ho.

• Luther Wilson : [Chloe opens door]  Hello, former friend of James. I have taken the liberty of returning all of the possessions you have left at his place. Your handcuffs, a Goo Goo Dolls CD, another Goo Goo Dolls CD,

  [lifts it up, throws it back] 

  Luther Wilson : and a map to Ted Danson's house.

  [said with pity and contempt] 

  Chloe : Great! Because... I also put together a box of things that James left here.

  [quick to hand it over] 

  June Colburn : That's weird, I have the same back-scratcher. And that is a photo of my dog Maisey. This is my stuff!

  Chloe : Oh, you caught that, huh?

  Luther Wilson : I was gonna say James already has two back-scratchers.

  [proudly holds up his plump little hands] 

  Luther Wilson : You're looking at 'em.

• Chloe : [to Beckett]  Can I have two hundred dollars to pay my cell-phone bill? I've been crank-calling Kelly Osbourne more than usual.

• June Colburn : Chloe... Uhm... Do you... work here at, at... Gloss Mobile?

  Chloe : I'm sorry, you're going to have to take a number.

  June Colburn : Uh... there's no one else around.

  Chloe : Number, ma'am.

  [June takes one] 

  Chloe : Nine!

  [no response] 

  Chloe : Ten!

  [no response] 

  Chloe : Ten?

  [still nobody] 

  Chloe : Eleven!

  June Colburn : I'm eleven.

  Chloe : Hi, welcome to Gloss Mobile. How can I help you? Are you interested in an accessory for your device today?

  June Colburn : Chloe... What are you doing here?

  Chloe : I don't know! I came in to pay my bill and I got into customer service about rollover minutes, and the next thing I knew, I was working here.

  June Colburn : Is it because... you need money... since you and James...?

  Chloe : June, this has nothing to do with money! I have plenty of scams to generate money. I'm here because I love it!

  Customer : Um, did you call ten?

  Chloe : Twice. I've moved on to eleven. You're supposed to stay in the vicinity.

  Customer : I was standing right over there. I didn't hear you call ten.

  Chloe : Ironic that you'd be ten, 'cause you're clearly a two.

  Customer : You're awfully confident for a grown woman with bangs.

  Chloe : Let me guess why you're here. You dropped your phone in the toilet while caressing your hot dog and grapes.

  Customer : Ew, those foods don't even go together.

  [spitefully:] 

  Customer : I'm gonna switch carriers.

  Chloe : Ha, good luck with that! Check your contract! We own your ass!

  [the guy's gone] 

  Chloe : Ah, so satisfying.

  June Colburn : Chloe, I think I know what's happening here. You were trading insults with customers because you miss doing that with James.

  Chloe : No, I know it doesn't seem like me, but I think I've really found my niche. I'm learning that all in training! I love Glo-Mo. I signed up for ninety hours this week. I tried to sign up for more, but apparently that's all they're open. I mean, it's no wonder the Chinese are beating us. Twelve!

• June Colburn : [to Luther]  I'm not gonna stand back here and watch them throw away this beautiful friendship. I'm through being neutral. I choose Mom and Dad.

  [approaches the two recalcitrant friends] 

  June Colburn : Hey, look! You guys are friends! So you should be acting like it. I mean, look at each other! Chloe, you should say something like, I don't know, "Fat!" and, and James, you should say something about how lame Gloss Mobile is. Then, Chloe, you'll be all like "You're even badder as an actor as you were before" and then James will be all like, "You know what? I'm faster than Glo-Mo data transfer," and then Chloe will be like, "Well, what's it like competing against Brian Dennehy for roles?" and then James will be like "What's it like competing against lesbians for shirts?" Back and forth. Insults... tears... laughter... hugging! Yes, yes, hugging!

  [goofy smile] 

  Chloe : She's got butter on her butt.

  James Van Der Beek : [snickers]  Butter-butt.

  June Colburn : I... Oh, my God, I was standing against Eli's wall...

  James Van Der Beek : She's trying to wipe it off. She's got it on her sweater.

  Chloe : Sweater-butter.

  James Van Der Beek : [Luther tries to help June]  Now look who's getting in there.

  Chloe , James Van Der Beek : Butter-butt rubber.

• James Van Der Beek : [got overweight]  Obviously I'm not doing so well.

  Chloe : [looks washed out]  No. Me neither.

  James Van Der Beek : [admiring store clark stationary]  Nice neck-pen.

  Chloe : At least I have a neck.

  [they both chuckle] 

  James Van Der Beek : I've missed this. You're right, I got soft and complacent without you around to keep me sharp.

  Chloe : I don't wanna live in a Beek-less world. It's too gruesome. Yesterday I had to fill out something called a W2 form. I mean, I wrote the word 'balls' on every section, but still, I had to fill it out.

• Chloe : [James lost his excess weight]  You're lucky you're a quick thin.

  James Van Der Beek : I know. It got rough. I was having trouble seeing my dong in the shower.

  Chloe : It's always been kind of hard to see.