- [first lines]
- The Therapist: And why is it that you're here?
- Maude: I saw a sign today that said, "Randy's donuts, tastiest donuts you've ever endured."
- The Therapist: And why is it that you're here?
- Maude: I want to die.
- The Therapist: Recently, how have you been occupying your time?
- Maude: I haven't been.
- Maude: Everyone's problems are interesting themselves, just not so much to other people. That's why all therapists want to kill themselves.
- The Therapist: I don't seem to be there yet.
- Maude: In time you will learn.
- Anita: Just tell him what you intend.
- Maude: I don't intend anything. I looked at all the brochures, I don't like anything.
- Anita: But that's ridiculous darling. You have hobbies. Just tell him your hobbies, for Christ sake.
- Maude: Death.
- Anita: She's kidding. Darling, what are you interests.
- Maude: Suicide.
- Anita: Since when?
- Maude: Don't know. Just now I guess.
- Maude: [sitting on the street drinking] Oh Lord who art in heaven, Lord be thine name. Thy kingdom come, thy weary dumb, um... Where is my house?
- Anita: You're very talented, you know. I always knew it. And very determined. So unlike your father and me. And do you know I think that you're the strangest one in our family.
- Maude: I'm sorry.
- Anita: You don't have to be sorry.
- Maude: No, I am mom. I think I made the very ordinary decision of being an ungrateful teenager.
- Anita: Well, we've all done it, darling. And I was being a little bit of a C-word, at any rate.
- Maude: I was, too.
- Anita: Yes you were, too. And so were you.
- Maude: I had self respect once, but I put it in the ironing cupboard and it never seemed to turn up again.
- Maude: Unpleasant circumstances are often the orb from which the idea may brew.
- The Therapist: I think you're thinking of a crock pot.
- [last lines]
- The Baby Elephant: You've done it.
- Maude: I've done it.
- The Baby Elephant: Well done.
- Maude: Thank you.
- The Baby Elephant: You're going to be the best writer.
- Maude: I know.
- The Baby Elephant: I know. Shall I lead the way.
- Maude: Please do...