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- Chris Rock: America's in bad shape right now, man. America's in horrible shape. We got it worse than Ukraine. Yeah, I said it. You know why? 'Cause Ukraine is united and America is clearly divided. We are clearly divided. Our shit is so screwed up right now, if the Russians came here right now, half the country would go, "Let's hear 'em out." We in a bad place, man. Republicans lie. Republicans lie. Biggest liars in the world. Republicans lie, and Democrats leave out key pieces of the truth, that would lead to a more nuanced argument. The whole country is fucked up.
- Chris Rock: Four easy ways to get attention.
- [one]
- Chris Rock: Number one easiest way to get attention, show your ass. Show your ass! You will get attention, even if you don't got ass! That's the world we live in. It's why Blac Chyna has more followers than Gayle King. 'Cause Chyna is showing that ass.
- [two]
- Chris Rock: Number two easiest way to get attention is to be infamous. Yeah. Do some fucked up shit. Shoot up a school. Try to stab Dave Chappelle at a show. That's right, infamy. You will get attention.
- [three]
- Chris Rock: Number three easiest way to get attention, to be excellent. That's right. Like Serena Williams, greatest tennis player to ever play the game. Absolutely excellent! Being excellent will get you attention, but it's hard being excellent. You gotta get up in the morning. You gotta work out. You gotta practice. It is much easier to show your ass.
- [four]
- Chris Rock: And the number four easiest way to get attention is to be a victim. It's like "Where he going with this?" Don't get me wrong, there's no victim-shaming going on. No. No, no, no, no. There are real victims in this world. There are people that have gone through unspeakable trauma, and they need your love, your support, and they need your care. But if everybody claims to be a victim when the real victims need help, ain't nobody gonna be there to help them, okay? Right now, we live in a world where the emergency room is filled up with motherfuckers with paper cuts.
- Chris Rock: America's in bad shape right now, man. America's in horrible shape. We got it worse than Ukraine. Yeah, I said it. You know why? 'Cause Ukraine is united and America is clearly divided. We are clearly divided. Our shit is so screwed up right now, if the Russians came here right now, half the country would go, "Let's hear 'em out." We in a bad place, man. Republicans lie. Republicans lie. Biggest liars in the world. Republicans lie, and Democrats leave out key pieces of the truth, that would lead to a more nuanced argument. The whole country is fucked up.
- Chris Rock: They say we're addicted to opioids, but opioids are not the biggest addiction in America. No. Not even close, man. The biggest addiction in America is attention. We are addicted to attention. Can't get enough attention. Feening for likes. Just feening. We used to want love. Now, we just want likes. Posting up pathetic pictures. "This is me eating sushi. Like me." "This is me, 25 years ago, when I was hot. Like me." Oh, it's fucking sad, man. Just feening for attention. Addicted to attention.
- Chris Rock: White men actually think they're losing the country! Can you believe--Did you see the Capitol riots? White men trying to overthrow the government that they run! They're like, "We gotta get them out of office." Who? "Us." Did you see the Capitol riots? Like, what kind of white 'Planet of the Apes' shit was that? These motherfuckers are climbing up walls and taking a shit on Pelosi's desk. What the fuck? What would make white men think they're losing the country? What?
- Chris Rock: I know what Meghan Markle's going through. I know her dilemma. Black girl trying to be accepted by her white in-laws. Oh, it's hard. Black girl trying to be accepted by her white in-laws. It's so hard. It's very hard! But it ain't as hard as a white girl trying to be accepted by her Black in-laws. That shit is really hard. You bring a white girl home for Thanksgiving, your momma gonna say something. Your momma's like, "Why is there a social worker at the table?" Like, "Momma, that's Jackie! We've been married nine years! You got three grandchildren! Stop being so mean! You know I'm playing, right, Jackie? Just give me time."
- Chris Rock: Not only is everybody full of shit, every business is full of shit. Everybody you do business, they don't even tell you about the product no more. They just tell you how much charity they do. They say, "We give back. We like to give back. We don't even like the money. We just give back."
- Chris Rock: You cannot lend money to people you're fucking. 'Cause they think that sex is a payback.
- Chris Rock: I'm watching the game the other night. There was a commercial for Subaru, and it said, "For every Subaru we sell, we'll donate $250 to your favorite charity." And I'm like, "Who gives a fuck? Subaru, you want to help me out? Why don't you just sell me the car for $250 less? I am my favorite charity."
- Chris Rock: Whenever I do a show, I do my homework. First thing I do when I get to town, I'll go, "Where should I not go?" And then I say, "Where can I buy coke?" And they're usually the same place.
- Chris Rock: Whenever some kid goes crazy at a school, they always say, "No child... No child is born is racist. No child is born hating. You have to teach a child to hate. All children are good. All children are born pure." You know, only people without kids say dumb shit like that. Kids are the meanest motherfuckers on the face of the earth. They're the most racist, sexist, homophobic, fat-a-phobic, will-say-anything-to-your-face motherfuckers on Earth, okay? You realize human beings, we have the worst offspring of any animal. We're the only animal in the whole animal kingdom that has to raise its kids for 18 years. Eighteen years. Every other animal's like two or three days.
- Chris Rock: Anybody that says words hurt has never been punched in the face. Yeah, words hurt when you write them on a brick.
- Chris Rock: They say men have all the power. But we don't. We don't have all the power. Women have the power. 'Cause there's nothing more powerful than female beauty. Nothing more powerful, that's right. A beautiful woman can stop traffic. There is nothing about a man that can stop traffic. You could be a dead man on a highway with your dick out and they will drive around your dead ass. There's nothing more powerful than female beauty. You call it female beauty, you can call it pussy. Call it whatever you want, man. Shit, I've been working, I've been working since I was seven years old. Been working for almost 50 years. Seven years old! I used to sweep up at a supermarket. I've been working since I was seven years old. And I have made millions of dollars, okay? And every dime I have ever made I have spent it on pussy. Every fucking cent! Either pussy or pussy adjacent. Every fucking dime. Getting the pussy hair done, getting the pussy taxes done, getting the pussy's son into camp, getting the pussy's tooth fixed, getting the pussy's driveway done, getting the pussy's mama some life insurance, getting the pussy bunion surgery. I've paid more college loans off than Joe Biden. Spent all my money on pussy And if I had a chance to do it again I'd spend it on pussy again.
- Chris Rock: We don't need the death penalty! We got the tossed salad man! 'Cause if a bullet costs $5000, there'll be no more innocent bystanders.
- Chris Rock: Everybody is trying to be a victim. Like, what's this girl Meghan Markle? Seemed like a nice lady. Just complaining. I was like, "Didn't she hit the light-skinned lottery?" Hit the fucking light-skinned lottery, and still going on complaining. Acting all dumb, like she don't know nothing. Going on Oprah, "I didn't know. I had no idea how racist they were." -- It's the royal family. You didn't google these motherfuckers? What the fuck is she talking about, "she didn't know"? It's the royal family! They're the original racists! They invented colonialism! They're the OGs of racism. They're the Sugarhill Gang of racism. Like, "The hip-hop, the hippie, the hippie-dippie hip hip-hop and you don't stop" of racism. The fuck is she talking about, "I didn't know"? That's like marrying into the Budweiser family and going, "They drink a lot!" The fuck is she talking about?
- Chris Rock: In the old days, if somebody wanted your job, they just worked harder than you. Now, somebody wants your job, they just wait for you to say some dumb shit.
- Chris Rock: I'm in the mall the other day. I went by that store, a Lululemon. I walk by and in the window of every Lululemon, there's a sign that says, "We don't support racism, sexism, discrimination, or hate." And I'm like, "Who gives a fuck? You're just selling yoga pants. I don't need your yoga pants politics. Tell me how you work on ball sweat. The fuck you talking about, man?" They sell $100 yoga pants! $100 yoga pants -- they hate somebody. They hate the poor.
- [sputters]
- Chris Rock: $100 yoga pants? No, no, no. Correction. They don't sell $100 yoga pants, they sell $100 non-racist yoga pants. I think I speak for the entire audience tonight when I say most people in this crowd would prefer a pair of $20 racist yoga pants. Like, yoga pants that whistled "nigga" as you walk.
- Chris Rock: I know the dilemma: Black girl trying to be accepted by her white in-laws. I'm like, "Hey! If you're Black, and you wanna be accepted by your white in-laws, then you need to marry a Kardashian." 'Cause they accept everybody. So, like, Kris Jenner is like the Statue of Liberty. "Give me your tired, your poor, your huddled masses..." Kris Jenner lets everybody in. That's right. She's like a Black grandma. She just wants to fix you up a plate, that Kris Jenner. She don't give a fuck. She lets everybody in. She's like, "Bipolar rapper? Bring your ass in here. Come in here, you genius, bipolar motherfucker. Crackhead basketball player? Bring your ass here. Let me fix you up a plate, you old crackhead. Daddy got titties? Bring your ass here. Help me with these plates." The Kardashians are inclusive! And they love Black people more than Black people love Black people. Shit, the father freed O.J. Oh, you forgot that little nugget of Black history? He was a, he was a valuable member of the Dream Team. He wasn't Johnnie Cochran. He was the Klay Thompson of that team. That's right. Robert Kardashian helped to free O.J. Simpson, a Black, football playing murderer! O.J. Simpson killed two white people and got away with it. That's another kind of Black excellence. That's way before Wakanda. Yes. Robert Kardashian helped to free O.J. Simpson. And from that day on, from the day that he helped to free O.J. Simpson, from the time O.J. Simpson left that court. From that day on, Robert Kardashian was cursed. The judge said, "Not guilty." O.J. left the court, got in his Bronco, drove away. And soon as O.J. drove away, God appeared. And God walked up to Robert Kardashian and God said, "Robert Kardashian! For the sin of helping to free O.J. Simpson, a Black, football-playing murderer, from this day forth, for the rest of eternity, till the end of time, your daughters will fuck nothing but niggas! And not just any niggas, crazy niggas. The craziest niggas to ever live."
- Chris Rock: For people that don't know what everybody knows. Will Smith, his wife was fucking her son's friend. I normally would not talk about this shit. But for some reason, these niggas put that shit on the Internet. I have no idea why two talented people would do something that fucking low down. What the fuck? We all been cheated on. Everybody in here had been cheated on. None of us have ever been interviewed by the person that cheated on us on television. It's like, "Hey, I was sucking somebody else's dick. How did that make you feel?" Why the fuck would you do that shit? She hurt him way more than he hurt me.
- Chris Rock: Speaking of commercials, when did Snoop Dogg become Morgan Freeman? This nigga's selling everything. Beer, wine, tampons... I saw a commercial the other day, Snoop was selling reverse mortgages. Called them, "Dogg-ages." What the fuck's a "Dogg-age"? I love Snoop. I'm not dissing Snoop, all right? Last thing I need is another mad rapper, right? Nope. Nope, nope. No, no, no.
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