- Malory Archer: The classic Irish man's dilemma: Do I eat the potato or do I let it ferment so I can drink it later?
- Malory Archer: [about Mascalzone] As we grew older, his tastes began to grow more exotic. And he began introducing these "acoutramons" very gradually.
- Sterling Archer: Well, he'd have to, that thing is huge.
- [Lana slaps Archer]
- Sterling Archer: Ow, your hands, they're like cricket bats.
- Doctor Krieger: Oh I'm just busy disseminating the patient.
- Cheryl Tunt: EW!
- Pam Poovey: Not what it means.
- Lana Kane: Still pretty gross though.
- Malory Archer: Because that's...
- Lana Kane: Silvio Mascalzone, the prime minister of Italy?
- Sterling Archer: Prime minister? I thought Italy used a king.
- Lana Kane: What? No, they don't "use" a king!
- Malory Archer: Ugh, too salty.
- Sterling Archer: Yeah, I know. You got a potato?
- Malory Archer: What is this, Christmas?
- Malory Archer: Anyway, Savio was in Italian intelligence...
- Sterling Archer: Rimshot.
- Malory Archer: Shut up.
- Doctor Krieger: I need access to a 2 inch drain, hot water, 3 GFCI outlets, this bathroom should do nicely, and a pot of coffee just like I like my women: black, bitter, preferably fair trade. Oh, and your sauce needs less salt.
- Sterling Archer: How can you?
- Doctor Krieger: Put two halves of a potato in with the sauce. It'll absorb the salt. Oh, and I assume that's our patient?
- Sterling Archer: Not ours, Krieger. Yours.
- Doctor Krieger: Thank you!
- Lana Kane: Screw you, Archer! Sullen wench?
- Sterling Archer: Come on, Lana, relax. I had to make it look good!
- Lana Kane: You had to make it look good?
- Sterling Archer: And also annoy you.
- Lana Kane: Walther PPK. Chamber 32 ACP. What's the capacity?
- Sterling Archer: 8 rounds?
- Lana Kane: Plus one in the chamber for a total of nine.
- Sterling Archer: OK, thanks, Rain Man; your point?
- Lana Kane: Malory's clip was empty, but she claims she only fired three rounds.
- Sterling Archer: Whoa, wait a minute, you're saying mother lured Mascalzone up to her apartment, squeezed him into a six foot man rubber, calls us, then pulls a gun on him? That would be a crock of shit, because that would mean she called the cops on herself.
- Lana Kane: Knowing they would not come back after they searched the apartment which was full of people and spotless.
- Sterling Archer: Oh, my god! Do the math, Rain Man! The wall was shot three times, and Mascalzone was shot five. For a total of - wait for it - 8.
- Lana Kane: Plus the one in her arm.
- Sterling Archer: [laughs] So wait a minute? Mother shot herself? Oh, my god! Which would mean that mother has been banging this guy once a week for the last 35 years, and the whole time she's been holding a grudge! Holy shit - she killed him.
- Lana Kane: And got us to dispose of the body.
- Sterling Archer: But why?
- Lana Kane: Who knows? It's Malory. You really want to know why she killed a guy?
- Malory Archer: [Flashback - Malory removes her trench coat] Honey, you still got it!
- Sterling Archer: So much of this I never want to know the answer to. By the way, do you want to go for a slice?
- [Thinks about it]
- Sterling Archer: God, what is with me and Italian lately?
- Sterling Archer: And I have another question, MOTHER...
- Malory Archer: [Archer is looking under Mascalzone's chair] No, Sterling, don't go back there!
- Sterling Archer: [looks] Why does this chair have no seat?
- [looks again]
- Sterling Archer: And what... is in... his ass?
- [Malory finishes her bourbon]
- Malory Archer: But wait, Krieger, the body, the bathroom, how did you...
- Doctor Krieger: Shhhhhhhhhhhh... you do not want to know. Although you probably want to go wash your lips.
- Malory Archer: EW!
- Sterling Archer: I'll probably never be able to eat again without thinking about spaghetti and meatballs! Oh, god... I could eat!
- Malory Archer: What?
- Lana Kane: What?
- Sterling Archer: Well, not necessarily sphaghetti and meatballs, but not necessarily not spaghetti and meatballs either. I mean, man, I really want some spaghetti and meatballs. I mean if I don't get some spaghetti and meatballs, I could literally die.
- Pam Poovey: What are you doing? From the left, dear. One serves from the left.
- Cheryl Tunt: Whatever has gotten into you, Calpernia?
- Lana Kane: My mistake, ma'am.
- Sterling Archer: Well, I should say it is, Calpernia! Mother, your maid is...
- [pause]
- Sterling Archer: Oh, hello!