Jim Rash credited as playing...
Dean Pelton
- Dean Pelton: This isn't Hollywood, Pierce. If it was, these glasses would be tinted and I'd be friends with Stevie Nicks.
- Dean Pelton: Shirley, the voice. Can you make it, um. I thought it would be more s... What's another word that means "happy threatening"?
- Shirley Bennett: [into camera, sweetly] The word he's looking for is "sassy".
- Shirley Bennett: [flatly] He better pray he don't find it.
- Dean Pelton: Cut! Cut! Lose the bald cap!
- Jeff Winger: What?
- Dean Pelton: I don't like it. It's hokey. It's fake. Take it off.
- Dean Pelton: I thought you were a fly on the wall.
- Abed Nadir: Some flies are too awesome for the wall.
- Dean Pelton: Cut, cut, cut, cut, cut, cut... Garrett, you're not taking advantage of the motion capture technology. You have to move.
- Garrett Lambert: I forgot what I am again.
- Dean Pelton: Oh, for crying out... you are a microscope!
- [Garrett starts to move]
- Dean Pelton: No, that's a toilet.
- [Garrett tries another move]
- Dean Pelton: No, that's clearly a frog who can't get out of a box.
- Dean Pelton: And then, the camera pans, and enter Dean Pelton.
- Jeff Winger: [voice-over] I got stuck with the role of the dean. So I'm going to show him how much of a dean I can be. And I've got a feeling I won't make the cut.
- [as Dean Pelton]
- Jeff Winger: Welcome to Dean-Dale community colle-dean. I'm a silly goose. Honk, honk. Dean-a-Lee-doo. Look at me.
- Dean Pelton: Stop.
- Jeff Winger: This is my sister's outfit.
- Dean Pelton: Jeffrey, stop. You've hit gold. Save some for the screen.
- Dean Pelton: Where's my script girl?
- Annie Edison: It's supervisor, and I'm right behind you.
- Dean Pelton: Thank you, supervisor girl.
- Dean Pelton: We open on a typical day at Greendale, only the students all look happy and you can't smell that smell.
- Dean Pelton: Abed, true to form, has decided to do the weird thing and film a documentary instead of helping.
- Abed Nadir: [voice-over] As a student of character, I have a feeling that trying to make this commercial may cost the dean his sanity. And my camera follows the fire, not the smoke.
- Dean Pelton: And action.
- Jeff Winger: [as Dean Pelton] Why go Greendale? Just because, just dean it! Dean machine. Got dean, got much, much got...
- Dean Pelton: And cut. Oh, a star is born.
- Jeff Winger: [voice-over] I suggested to the dean that we shoot my scenes in front of the Luis Guzman statue because the dean has no legal right to broadcast Guzman's image, which means every shot will be unusable. I even put a call in to Guzman's lawyers to alert them. I'm always willing to go the extra mile to avoid doing something.
- Leonard: Like sex with women.
- Jeff Winger: Shut up, Leonard, you smell like mentholyptus.
- Britta Perry: "To meet different people."
- Dean Pelton: You can't even do it when we're helping you!
- [Britta and Troy sobbing]
- Dean Pelton: Somebody help her!
- Britta Perry: "To meet different people."
- Troy Barnes: Stop saying I'm different!
- Jeff Winger: [referring to his bald cap] I have work this stupid thing for 12 days. I have made bald friends.
- Dean Pelton: Well, that's your mistake. Because it's a lie. It's Hollywood crap, and I won't allow it in my commercial. You're. Not. Bald.
- Jeff Winger: Yes, I am.
- Dean Pelton: Well, then, YOU'RE WRONG FOR THE PART!
- Ben Chang: Understudy!
- [removes his bald cap]
- Dean Pelton: [gasps] That's it. That's reality.
- Board Member #2: [over phone] Are you sure you can't work a little faster? Nobody asked for perfection.
- Dean Pelton: Well, perfection is what you're getting. And if you don't like it, you can fire me.
- Board Member #2: Yeah, if we don't like it, at this point, we definitely will fire you.
- Dean Pelton: Good. That's how I like it. Ha!
- [ends phone call]
- Dean Pelton: I'm surrounded by assassins. My own school's paper has turned on me. But when this is all over, I'll have a commercial with Luis Guzman, and all they'll have are their words and their fears and whatever embarrassing photos they can get from my two-faced mother.
- Luis Guzmán: I come here to shoot this commercial for Greendale. That's what you had written on the script.
- Dean Pelton: Ugh, that script was terrible.
- Luis Guzmán: I thought it was pretty good.
- Dean Pelton: Of course you'd think that. You went here.
- Luis Guzmán: Oh, I get it. You're worse than crazy. You're ashamed of the school.
- Board Member #1: [over phone] Are you sure you can't work a little faster? Nobody asked for perfection.
- Dean Pelton: Well, perfection is what you're getting. And if you don't like it, you can fire me.
- Board Member #1: Yeah, if we don't like it, at this point, we definitely will fire you.
- Dean Pelton: Good. That's how I like it. Ha!
- [ends phone call]
- Dean Pelton: I'm surrounded by assassins. My own school's paper has turned on me. But when this is all over, I'll have a commercial with Luis Guzman, and all they'll have are their words and their fears and whatever embarrassing photos they can get from my two-faced mother.
- Dean Pelton: And action.
- Jeff Winger: [as Dean Pelton] Why go Greendale? Just because, just dean it! Dean machine. Got dean, got much, much got...
- Dean Pelton: And cut. Oh, a star is born.
- Jeff Winger: [voice-over] I suggested to the dean that we shoot my scenes in front of the Luis Guzman statue because the dean has no legal right to broadcast Guzman's image, which means every shot will be unusable. I even put a call in to Guzman's lawyers to alert them. I'm always willing to go the extra mile to avoid doing something.
- Luis Guzmán: Like sex with women.
- Jeff Winger: Shut up, Leonard, you smell like mentholyptus.