Photos
Quotes
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Schmidt : [about Nick's penis] Why haven't I seen it?
Winston Bishop : Why do you wanna see it?
Schmidt : He's my best friend.
Winston Bishop : Again, why do you wanna see it?
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Nick Miller : We live in a world with rules. We knock. We have doors. And we knock on those doors.
Jess Day : I'm sorry, Nick.
Nick Miller : Just knock!
Jess Day : [picking up the feeling stick] Nick... I...
Nick Miller : Put that down.
Jess Day : But we have to talk.
Nick Miller : Nothing to talk about.
Winston Bishop : [taking the stick] I feel that Nick is not honoring the feeling stick.
Schmidt : [taking it] I feel me, too.
Winston Bishop : [taking it back] I feel Schmidt's had a particularly bad day, and I feel that if Nick is truly Schmidt's friend, he would show Schmidt what's in his pants.
Schmidt : [taking it back] I feel supported.
Nick Miller : What is going on with you two? What are you doing?
Winston Bishop : [taking the stick] I feel Nick is yelling.
Nick Miller : Stop it!
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Jess Day : Ooh. Scary movie. I hate scary movies. Why are we watching this?
Nick Miller : We're not watching, this Jess.
[indicating himself, Winston, and Schmidt]
Nick Miller : *We're* watching it.
Jess Day : [squeezing herself onto the couch between Nick and Schmidt] So fun, hanging with the dudes, eating ice cream, watching scary movies.
[imitating Nick]
Jess Day : "We're not scared. We're dudes."
Winston Bishop : Shh!
Jess Day : You know what we should watch? Have you guys ever seen "Fame"? It's about a group of dreamers with talent to spare, taking New York City by storm, one dance number at a time. The cafeteria, the street... oh! Ooh! That's so much blood. It's spurting!
[taking a bite of ice cream]
Jess Day : Mm, that was good. That guy's gonna blow himself up. Wah, wah.
Nick Miller : Why would that guy blow himself up?
[sound of an explosion]
Jess Day : [seeing Nick's look] Sorry. I saw it in the theater. You know what else we should watch? "An American Tale." It's about a little Jewish mouse with a great big heart and a...
Nick Miller : [the guys all get up to leave] All right.
Jess Day : Wait. Where are you guys going?
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Jess Day : [after walking in on Nick naked] He's never gonna speak to me again. I'm so embarrassed.
Schmidt : Not a big deal. I've seen Nick's stuff, like, a million times.
Winston Bishop : You have? I mean... how?
Schmidt : We grew up together. Locker rooms, swimming pools, penis fights. It just happens.
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Schmidt : How'd the job interview go?
Winston Bishop : You know, terrible.
[flashback]
Winston Bishop : She just wanted to chitchat about stuff I've never heard of before.
Schmidt : Well, you gotta get up to speed, man. The chitchat is the interview.
Winston Bishop : I have spent the last two years of my life in Latvia. I was playing ball year-round, man. I didn't read the news. I have no idea of what happened in America. I've got interviews tomorrow. Fill me in. What'd I miss?
Schmidt : From the... from the past two years?
Winston Bishop : Yo, give me the highlights.
Schmidt : Highlights. Okay. Uh, country's broke.
Winston Bishop : Mm-hmm.
Schmidt : Betty White's back.
Winston Bishop : Oh, cool, cool. What about the rest of the Golden Girls?
Schmidt : They're all dead, man.
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Nick Miller : Stop following me.
Jess Day : Then stop running away from me. I just want to have a mature conversation.
Nick Miller : How can we have a mature conversation when you can't even say the word "penis"?
Jess Day : I can say the word "peen..."
Nick Miller : Say it.
Jess Day : I... peernyas.
Nick Miller : What?
Jess Day : Peernis.
Nick Miller : You said "peernis."
Jess Day : [singsong] Penis.
Nick Miller : Not singing.
Jess Day : [lowering the pitch of her voice] Penis.
Nick Miller : Not like a ghoul.
Jess Day : [chuckling] I... I can say it! Pianist.
Nick Miller : No, you said "pianist."
Jess Day : Enispay!
Nick Miller : Not pig Latin.
Jess Day : Peernis.
Nick Miller : Okay, not in Swedish.
Jess Day : Pemo.
Nick Miller : Not in fake Italian.
Jess Day : [shrieking] Penis!
Winston Bishop : Shut up!
Nick Miller : Say it with me. Pe...
Jess Day : Pe...
Nick Miller : ...nis
Jess Day : ...neers.
Nick Miller : Yeah, I'm the one that's immature.
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Winston Bishop : I just wanted to thank you for taking me running. Made me feel a lot better. I might not have a job or anything, but at least I can run a mile. I mean, watching you try to run, yeah, that was just pathetic. I needed that.
Schmidt : I suffer from exercise-induced asthma.
Winston Bishop : Do you suffer from exercise-induced crying?
Schmidt : It's a real thing, man, okay? EIA.
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Jess Day : Something's happened. It was totally an accident. Not a big deal. I just want to do the mature thing and come clean about it. But, um...
[muttering]
Jess Day : I accidentally saw Nick's pee-pee.
Schmidt : What?
Winston Bishop : What did she say?
Jess Day : [clearly] I accidentally saw Nick's pee-pee and his bubbles.
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Schmidt : Hey, Winston.
[seeing him face-down on his bedroom floor]
Schmidt : Oh, no. Oh, man. The interview? Did you mess up?
Winston Bishop : [getting up] No, I didn't mess up. Killed it. I was amazing. At one point, I was on the outside of my body watching myself be amazing.
Schmidt : Well, that's a good thing, right?
Winston Bishop : The woman asked me why I wanted to sell medical supplies. I had no answer. I've done nothing but play basketball my entire life.
Schmidt : [looking at his computer] "Winston Bishop is an American basketball player who played professionally in Latvia, and he loves ducks." Winston, did you write the part about the ducks?
Winston Bishop : I don't even like ducks that much, man.
Schmidt : Oh, okay. Look, man. You gotta get off Wikipedia, all right? You're going crazy.
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Winston Bishop : [jogging with Schmidt] Whoo! This feels good.
Schmidt : [panting] Totally. I love it.
Winston Bishop : You know, I think I was just scared, man. I've been playing basketball my whole entire life. What if I was wasting my time? Maybe I should have been figuring out my life like you.
Schmidt : [amused laugh] I don't have anything figured out. I'm a fully-grown man with roommates. I got a stupid job. I'm single. My best friend won't even let me see his penis. I mean, my whole life is a sham.
