Quotes

Horror Fiction in Seven Spooky Steps

Jeff Winger: No, no. I'm no sociopath. I always know what I'm doing is wrong. I'm just a guy that doesn't like taking tests, doing work, or getting yelled at. So if you think about it, that makes me the sanest person here.

Annie Edison: [Finishes narrating her Halloween scary story] And she ripped into his torso, like a gerbil shredding a quaker oats box, sending chunks of viscera and an aerosol mist of blood all over the skanky concubine. Then, she flossed her teeth with his tendons. And, because he was a vampire, he lived through all of it. He had to watch her swallow his last eyeball. She kept it attached to the optic nerve, so he could see down her throat, to his own partially digested flesh in... Her... Stomach.

Abed Nadir: [Abed is narrating his Halloween scary story] Here we are, a log cabin I rented so we could be intimate in safety, because it's not the 50s, so we don't have to park a car and neck at inspiration point.
Britta Perry: That makes sense. I'm turned on by how logical you are.
Abed Nadir: I'm comforted by your shiny hair and facial symmetry. Well, I just brushed my teeth, so this would be the optimal time to kiss.
[They kiss]
Abed Nadir: Enjoyable. Soft lips. Just the right level of moisture.
Britta Perry: Would you like to do it again?
Abed Nadir: No. We should listen to the news on this radio. I brought it as a cautionary measure, because this cabin is within walking distance of the local insane asylum.
Britta Perry: Oh, is that why you were able to rent it at such a reasonable rate?
Abed Nadir: Yes.
Britta Perry: I hope you're as fertile as I am tonight.
Abed Nadir: More.

Shirley Bennett: [Finishing her Halloween scary story] And he chainsawed them to bits! Then he put 'em back together. And then he chainsawed them again! Forever.

Troy Barnes: [Part of Pierce's Halloween scary story] Yo, yo, yo, yo, yo. Whats we gots heres? This is a home invasion, you jive mother.
Pierce Hawthorne: Easy, easy, easy. Nobody has to get hurt here.
Troy Barnes: Yeah, that's right, honky. You take it real easy and give us all your expensive Brandy and hubcaps.

Newscaster on the radio: In the news tonight, top story: An escaped convict from the asylum has escaped, and he's mental and he's on the loose and stuff.
Britta Perry: Oh, my God. That sounds dangerous.
Jeff Winger: Oh, I'm sure it's no biggie, but I am a horny man. I'm only half-present.
Newscaster on the radio: He was last seen in the woods and has a thingy for a hand, a hook thing where his hand should be. You know what I mean.

Britta Perry: We learned an important lesson tonight. We should never make the Britta of Britta-ing each other's feelings.
Pierce Hawthorne: You're using it wrong.
Jeff Winger: Wow. You Britta'd "Britta'd."
Abed Nadir: Yeah, way to pull an Abed.
Shirley Bennett: I don't get it.
Jeff Winger: Shirley, don't Pierce.
Pierce Hawthorne: I don't get it.

Dean Pelton: Trick or Dean!
[Jeff and Britta gasp]
Dean Pelton: Don't forget to come by our Halloween scare-tacular dance, starting in the cafeteria at 9:30. Also, I had the lights rigged to flicker. Halloween week!
Jeff Winger: So the lights will work on November 1st?
Dean Pelton: All Saint's day...
[Leaves the room]
Dean Pelton: Month!

Troy Barnes: [Narrating his Halloween scary story] Hello? Is there anyone here? I need help.
[Pierce appears, wearing a medical robe, his hair like Einstein's]
Troy Barnes: Oh, thank God. An old doctor. Me and my partner are top gun fighter pilots, the best of the best.
Abed Nadir: [Weakly] Pew pew pew.
Troy Barnes: Our F-15 went down in the woods.
Pierce Hawthorne: I thought I heard something awesome out there. Please, come in, for first aids and what have you.
[Offers them a glass of green liquid]
Troy Barnes: Mmm, drinks from a stranger. So medical.

Dean Pelton: Hel-lo! Devil here. Just popping by with a little damnation orientation. Here's the sched. At 10:00, you'll be buried neck-deep in scorpions. 11:15, lava enemas, followed by pilates.
[the group is pleased with the pilates]
Dean Pelton: Pilates is a demon that eats your genitals.

Jeff Winger: [Annie giggles at Jeff's racer costume] What? I'm one of the "Fast and Furious" guys.
Abed Nadir: Which one?
Jeff Winger: Oh, I don't know. I don't watch that shallow crap. I just pick a costume girls will like.

Jeff Winger: You probably just Britta-ed the test results somehow.
Britta Perry: No, I double-checked them. Wait. Are people using my name to mean make a small mistake?
Jeff Winger: [Long pause] ... Yes.

Britta Perry: Is this your test or what?
Jeff Winger: How should I know? It's just a bunch of bubbles.
Annie Edison: Wait! Give me those. Why are the scores on the bottoms of the sheets? They should... Britta, look at the arrow. You ran these through the machine upside-down.
Abed Nadir: She Britta'd it.
Britta Perry: Whatever.
[snatches test sheet]
Britta Perry: I'll run them through again. And you guys are gonna stop using my name to mean, "making a tiny and understandable mistake."
[nearing tears]

Britta Perry: And the woman was screaming and screaming and the man got killed. Abed?
Abed Nadir: Yep?
Britta Perry: How did that story make you feel?
Abed Nadir: Embarrassed.
Britta Perry: That's an odd reaction.
[all disagreeing]
Troy Barnes: Seems fair.
Britta Perry: What embarrassed you about it?
Abed Nadir: I didn't care about the characters.
Britta Perry: Didn't care about themmm?
[Britta looks at Jeff]
Britta Perry: [Jeff rolls his eyes]
Abed Nadir: They were stupid. They deliberately put themselves in danger, and, when they were warned about it, the guy got out of the car.
Britta Perry: Do you believe because he was stupid he deserved to die?
Pierce Hawthorne: What the hell kind of party is this?
Abed Nadir: I suppose, from a creative standpoint, some characters deserve to die. Ones that lack common sense or even basic survival instinct. Your story's not scary because the characters are making choices the audience wouldn't make. Plus, you need a smarter lead.

Jeff Winger: I'm sorry, you were about to get ridiculous?
Britta Perry: Look! One of the tests came back with 70 out of 75 red flags for an extreme personality disorder. Extreme, Jeff!
Jeff Winger: [gasps feigning surprise] Like a dorito?
Britta Perry: A sociopathic dorito. A cool ranch lunatic. Only instead of zest, Jeff, one member of our study group has... homicidal tendencies.
[thunder clap]
Jeff Winger: I think one member of our study group is an overzealous psych major. You probably just Britta'd the test results somehow.

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