Mathew Buck: Film Brain

Quotes 

• Film Brain : [about kids using very blue language]  Holy shit! Did these parents not read the fucking script? What kind of fucked up parent do you have to be to let your kids act out scenes like this? Seriously, who's decision was it to have a 10-year-old girl force herself onto a boy and try to essentially rape him?

• Stu : [Charlie accidentally spills wine on his crotch]  It looks like cum. Ha ha ha, it looks like cum.

  Film Brain : Ha ha ha. I'm an incredibly irritating fuck-wit that thinks everything is a sex joke! BOOBS!

• Film Brain : They try really hard to make him a nice guy, but he just comes off as an asshole.

• Stu : Reba? You slept with Reba? You're telling me that you have the power to turn any hot chick out there into a nut-gobbling, lance-waxing flesh-monger, and you're plowing the back 40 with Reba?

  Film Brain : Oh shut up, you disgusting, sexist pig! I thought Dan Fogler was bad as a second-rate Jack Black in Balls of Fury, but as a third-rate Seth Rogan impersonator, he's somehow even worse.

• Stu : Hey, was Martin Luther King Jr. taking advantage when he said that thing in that place? I don't think so.

  Film Brain : You just compared the black civil rights movement to a guy having sex. Wow! Joke fail! Joke fail!

• Film Brain : Charlie, just so you know, women don't tend to date guys who whore themselves out like a gigolo. But then she turns around and invites him out on a date anyway, which underminds what she just said entirely.

• Film Brain : So we get this "hysterical" sequence of Charlie taking her out on a date, and being repulsed by her very being, which gives Dane Cook every excuse to mug like a jackass.

• Film Brain : He does have sex with her, which I'm sparing you from with this clip of him scrubbing his balls.

• Charlie : I can't believe I trusted you, Stu. You fucked me.

  Film Brain : You mean my prejudice, self-obsessed, mean-spirited douchebag of a friend is a liar? I feel so betrayed. Why are we friends? No, seriously, why are we friends?

• Charlie : Please just don't say it's over.

  Film Brain : Prepare for cliché dumping in three, two, one...

  Cam : It's over.

  Film Brain : [toilet flushes]  And good riddance. Yes, it's our third act breakup, caused entirely by one character acting like a total dickhead. However, in this case, we have no reason to want to see them back together again, because she was very right to dump him.

• Film Brain : [after Charlie drops his pants to convince Anisha to help him lift his curse]  Dude, at least go inside! You could be put on a sex offenders' register for that! And she has a daughter now, I think she's seen a penis.

• Film Brain : I'm going to put this briefly, because I've said everything I wanted to say already. This is a hateful, sexist movie that operates in a complete moral vacuum that is painfully unfunny, largely due to the smug, overracted performance of Dane Cook, who fails to be likeable. The sex is a coarse and uncomfortable fit with the mean-spirited slapstick comedy and the script is astonishingly dumb. Dan Fogler delivers the worst comedy performance I've ever seen. I HATED this offensively terrible movie. The fact that this got made in 2007 is frankly astonishing.

• Cam : [Cam slips and falls into the water, hitting her head on the edge in the process]  I think I chipped a tooth.

  Film Brain : Chipped tooth? After a face-plop like that, she should have a broken nose and be bleeding everywhere. Oh, but we can't have that. She's gotta be beautiful at all times.

• Film Brain : But I'll gladly take pointless over this next scene, where Charlie gets back to find his receptionist had broken into his apartment and wants to have her way with him. God, how many crimes were committed in that last sentence alone; and I'm including the ones against cinema.

• Film Brain : After watching a penguin take a shit and eat it, which is the moving experience for this movie in a nutshell...

• Film Brain : Meanwhile, Joe notices that his sister is sad and offers her advice. Yes, the guy who spends his whole day smoking weed is the one offering relationship advice.

  Joe : Maybe you reacted too harshly. You should call him.

  Cam : I can't, Joe. You saw him, he's crazy.

  Joe : If you love something, sometimes you just wanna be surrounded by it.

  Film Brain : Eww, that's not romantic, that's creepy! You know that statement could be construed as being pro-stalking; and there is absolutely no defending his behavior, pothead!

• Film Brain : That's right, we really are going to end this movie with a run through an airport to chase a partner, just like every other romantic comedy ever written. Just once I'd like to see someone get dogpiled by airport security for trying to attempt this.