- Jess Day: [driving to Spencer's] What am I gonna say?
- Nick Miller: "Hey, Spencer, give me my TV back."
- Jess Day: [trying it out] Hi, Spencer. Give me my TV back, buddy.
- Nick Miller: Hey, no "buddy". How about "jerk" or "idiot"?
- Jess Day: Mr. Crabs.
- Winston Bishop: Mr. Crabs could work.
- Spencer: You live with these people, Jess? Seriously? You can stay here until you find a better place to live.
- Nick Miller: You know what? I don't like you, stretch. I don't like anything about you, and I'm not afraid to...
- Jess Day: I got this. I've got a place to live, Spence. It's over. I spent six years trying to figure you out. All you are is a guy with really beautiful hair. I'm happy you cheated on me. Thank you. Because if you hadn't, I would have married you. And then you would have hurt me all over again. And yeah, I was scared to start over. I didn't know what to do. And yeah, I'm living with three guys I met on the Internet. And yeah, stranger danger is real. But I love these guys. I barely know them, I just met him, but I love them.
- Nick Miller: I would just take it easy with the love stuff.
- Schmidt: Come on, the love stuff.
- Jess Day: All of them.
- Nick Miller: Come on, Jess. Just go in there and get that TV.
- Spencer: Ah. I miss you, Jess.
- Cece Parekh: Don't hug him back.
- Schmidt: [they all groan as she does] Oh, that is not healthy.
- Nick Miller: Okay, what are we watching?
- Jess Day: I have some DVDs. Um, "Adventures in Babysitting". Uh, "Prancer", "Newsies", "Curly Sue".
- Winston Bishop: [standing to leave] I'm going out.
- Nick Miller: Yeah.
- Jess Day: Wait. Where are you guys going? These are heartwarming films.
- [the front door closes; after a moment, Schmidt returns and sits down]
- Schmidt: Oh. "Curly Sue". Let's do this.
- Nick Miller: Jess, I've been telling you this for weeks, but you got to call Spencer and you got to get your stuff back. Unless, you know, unless you're scared.
- Jess Day: No, I am not scared. It's just complicated. That stuff was... that stuff was ours, and... I miss them...
- Schmidt: [distracting her] Jess, look, it's a ball.
- Jess Day: Oh, a little b-ball, huh?
- [dribbling]
- Jess Day: I'm actually pretty good. I used to play with my mom.
- [singing]
- Jess Day: Defense, defense. Watch out for the defense. Sneaky, sneaky, wah-wah.
- Nick Miller: [seeing Winston's look] You get used to her.
- Jess Day: Hey, Schmidt.
- [trying to pass it to him, it instead smashes the TV]
- Nick Miller: Oh, come on.
- Jess Day: [covering her face in embarrassment] Oh.
- Winston Bishop: Wow.
- Jess Day: Oh. My bad.
- Jess Day: I'm sorry, you guys.
- Nick Miller: That was my TV, Jess.
- Jess Day: It's kind of all he had.
- Jess Day: I'll get you a new one. I just can't afford it right now.
- Nick Miller: If you don't mind me asking, what's the plan?
- Winston Bishop: You don't know me like that, but I need a TV.
- Nick Miller: Do you have a TV at Spencer's?
- Jess Day: Yeah, I do, it's just really big and thin and bright.
- Winston Bishop: Go get it.
- Nick Miller: Go get it.
- Nick Miller: All right, so what happened?
- Jess Day: Ugh. He needed a ride to the airport.
- Nick Miller: What?
- Jess Day: For his new girlfriend.
- Nick Miller: Are you kidding me?
- Schmidt: Are you serious?
- Cece Parekh: You didn't tell me that.
- Jess Day: I'm supposed to pick her up next Sunday.
- Nick Miller: Oh, my god, Jess.
- Nick Miller: [seeing Spencer] That's the wizard? He's wearing a scrunchie.
- Winston Bishop: Looks like he juggles clubs on the beach.
- Cece Parekh: Yeah, like he'd ever have a job.
- Schmidt: Didn't you just kind of assume he'd have a handlebar mustache?
- Jess Day: [with a handful of her stuff, including the TV] I got it! It's really heavy, but I got it!
- Schmidt: Oh, my god, we created a monster.
- Nick Miller: She looks like Helena Bonham Carter.
- Winston Bishop: [seeing her struggle with the TV] Oh, god, she's gonna drop... Jess... soft hands, Jess.
- Jess Day: Hey, that's my shirt.
- Spencer: No, this is my t-shirt.
- Jess Day: No, that is my shirt. It has my name on it.
- Winston Bishop: [seeing she's going to drop the TV] Don't drop it. Jess, don't... Don't drop... don't...
- Cece Parekh: [climbing out of the car] Come on, everybody out now.
- Nick Miller: Give her her t-shirt, man.
- Spencer: No, I don't want to, you know. And I gave her this hat, too. So I'm gonna take this back.
- Nick Miller: This one?
- Spencer: Yeah.
- Nick Miller: You want that?
- Spencer: Yeah.
- Nick Miller: [putting the hat on] Then I dare you. Come take it off my head, pal. I dare you.
- [Schmidt puts on a Pikachu bucket hat]
- Winston Bishop: You guys look ridiculous.
- Jess Day: I'm so excited to meet him.
- Nick Miller: No, Jess, he's sleeping. He flew in late last night. We took him straight to the bar. He took a bunch of shots, got drunk, screamed "I love America", now he's happily passed out. Let's let him sleep.
- Jess Day: Guess I'm not the new kid anymore. Just one of the guys.
- Nick Miller: You're still the new kid. Winston lived here before Coach did.
- Jess Day: So, Coach said that they used to play basketball together in college, but then Winston went pro?
- Schmidt: In Latvia, okay? He went... went pro in Latvia. It's a big difference. Well, the team logo is a fig. Just a... just one single fig.
- Jess Day: Oh, you're jealous. That's so cute.
- Jess Day: I can't believe you didn't tell me he was hung over.
- Nick Miller: I totally told you he was hung over. I said he was drunk at the bar and now he's passed out.
- Jess Day: Do you have a tank top I could borrow? You look like you're about my size. It's just that I'm really low on clothes right now, 'cause I broke up with my boyfriend.
- Schmidt: Oh, god.
- Jess Day: I caught him cheating, and I just, like, grabbed whatever I could, and...
- Schmidt: Jess, you know what? I'll let you check my lost and found. It's where I keep all the stuff that girls leave behind in my room after we fornicate.
- [Winston pinches the bridge of his nose]
- Schmidt: [leaving with Jess] Got sizes zero through ten.
- Winston Bishop: What have you done to me, Nick?
- Nick Miller: I am so happy you're back.
- Jess Day: I can't call Spencer. I haven't talked to him since he cheated on me with that ho. Actually, that's not fair. She might be a really nice ho. I just don't want to get in a big fight with Spencer. I want to be friends with him eventually.
- Nick Miller: Why do you want to be friends with your ex? I don't want to be friends with Caroline, and all she did was rip me open and tear out my heart with her perfect, perfect hands.
- Jess Day: He has a power over me. It's like he's a wizard and I'm his mage, and... I think it's his hair. He has this, like, really beautiful hair, and whenever I see it, I get the whoo-whoos.
- Nick Miller: Oh, my god. I hate my life.
- Jess Day: $550 for the TV? Seems a little steep. I'm gonna write down a figure and this is as high as I'll go.
- Pawn Shop Owner: You drew a smiley face.
- Jess Day: I'm a teacher. Do it for the kids.
- Pawn Shop Owner: For the kids, $550.
- Jess Day: I can't go home without a TV. I thought pawn shops were about helping people, and frankly, right now I feel taken advantage of. And I just got out of a long relationship, and I don't know what I'm doing emotionally, or, let's be honest, sexually. I'll just... just get out of here.
- [heading for the door, she makes several attempts to take the TV from its stand]
- Pawn Shop Owner: Are you trying to rob me?
- Nick Miller: Hey, are you all right?
- Jess Day: I'm sorry, I didn't get the TV.
- Schmidt: What happened?
- Jess Day: Ugh, I'm a terrible roommate.
- Cece Parekh: I mean, seriously, you guys told her to call Spencer? That is not your job. That is my job.
- Jess Day: What's wrong with me?
- Nick Miller: I figured it out. This guy's your kryptonite. You need to stand up, and you need to fight him.
- Jess Day: I tried to fight him, but I can't, 'cause I'm powerless.
- Nick Miller: 'Cause you're not ready to let him go. I think you know deep down, once you get your stuff back, you know, it's "over" over.
- Cece Parekh: I can't believe I'm actually gonna say this, but... I agree with him.
- Jess Day: I can't believe I got all my stuff back.
- Nick Miller: You did, but most of it's broken.
- Jess Day: Yeah, it's broken, but... I don't know. It's mine.
- Nick Miller: Yeah, but it's broken.
- Winston Bishop: [bringing him breakfast, Jess starts singing] What's happening? Why are you doing that?