Last Man Standing (TV Series)

Pilot (2011)

Tim Allen: Mike Baxter

Photos 

Quotes 

• Mandy Baxter : Sorry I'm late for dinner! Travis and I got a flat tire, and it took forever for AAA to get there.

  Mike Baxter : Wait. Don't tell me you called a strange person to change your tire.

  Mandy Baxter : Then why did you give me an auto club card?

  Mike Baxter : That's for a real emergency, like a meteor hitting the car or something. Wh-where is Travis?

  Mandy Baxter : Uh, he went to the tanning salon.

  Mike Baxter : [groaning in pain]  Ohh! Ugh! Ow! That actually hurts to hear that.

• Mike Baxter : What's the matter? I'm saying...

  Mandy Baxter : No! You're just gonna say it's stupid.

  Mike Baxter : Come on, give me a break. I'm your dad. What- what's going on?

  Mandy Baxter : Travis said that "Glee" is dumb.

  Mike Baxter : Oh, for crap's sake. Is that what's worrying you? Is that why you're crying?

  [Mandy leaves, sobbing] 

  Mike Baxter : [to Eve]  What's "Glee"?

• Kristin Baxter : Dad, where's Boyd?

  Mike Baxter : Uh, he's napping. He got into the energy bars at work. He ran around until he passed out.

  Kristin Baxter : So... instead of taking him to day care, you took him to the blow dart and shotgun emporium?

  Mike Baxter : He wasn't around anything dangerous, okay? And I can't say the same had I left him at Hippie Hippie Rainbow.

  Kristin Baxter : Bruce teaches sensitivity and tolerance.

  Mike Baxter : I just don't think your kid should go to that school. You know how that ends up.

  Kristin Baxter : Hmm?

  Mike Baxter : Boyd dancing on a float.

  [he pantomimes] 

  Kristin Baxter : And what would be so wrong with that?

  Mike Baxter : Then only time men should be dancing is when other men are shootin' at their feet.

  Kristin Baxter : Are you gonna meddle up until the day you die?

  Mike Baxter : And beyond. I have a very specific will.

• Eve Baxter : Well, we have to move!

  Vanessa Baxter : What happened?

  Eve Baxter : Dad! He told me that boys would like me more if I played aggressive. I sprained Victor Blake's ankle, and now they call me "Queen Kong."

  [Mike enters the house behind her] 

  Eve Baxter : I'm going to pack! Ugh!

  Mike Baxter : [seeing Vanessa's expression]  I can explain. We might have to move.

• Mike Baxter : Hey, Eve, would you give me the ketchup...

  Eve Baxter : Not talking to you.

  Mike Baxter : Kristin, does Boyd want a hot dog, or do you have some soy thing on a stick in your purse?

  [Kristin ignores him] 

  Mike Baxter : Okay, I get it. Nobody's talking to me.

  Mandy Baxter : I'm talking to you, dad.

  Mike Baxter : That makes me nervous.

• Mandy Baxter : Will you go pick up Travis, please?

  Mike Baxter : You can pick him up.

  Mandy Baxter : Really?

  Mike Baxter : Yeah, if you can just figure out how to change a tire.

  [Mandy turns to leave] 

  Mike Baxter : So sad.

  Mandy Baxter : I'm living with Lord Voldemort!

  Mike Baxter : I don't know who that is, but he sounds like a very caring father.

• Mandy Baxter : Where was his catalog shoot this time? Peru? Portugal? Something with a "P".

  Eve Baxter : Yeah, Alaska, with a "P."

  Vanessa Baxter : He said he was bringing dinner home.

  Kristin Baxter : Oh, good. We're starving.

  Mike Baxter : [entering with a giant fish in hand]  I'm back!

• Vanessa Baxter : [Mike has brought a giant fish home for dinner]  What am I supposed to do with this?

  Mike Baxter : You slice it, mouth to anus. You pull everything out. Pretty self-explanatory.

• Vanessa Baxter : Can you drive Eve to soccer?

  Mike Baxter : [scoffing]  Soccer. That's just Europe's covert war for the hearts and minds of America's kids.

  Eve Baxter : We're scrimmaging the boys to make us tougher.

  Mike Baxter : Well, the boys aren't that tough. I've seen them play. Running around, getting hair gel in their eyes, run into the goalpost, and they cry.

  Vanessa Baxter : Why are you watching the young boys play soccer?

  Mike Baxter : I'm pretty sure I just explained why.

• Kristin Baxter : Hey, mom, can you take Boyd to day care? I can't be late to the diner. It's our salute to bacon week, and I am the only person who knows how to work the defibrillator.

  Vanessa Baxter : I'm running late. Ask your dad.

  Kristin Baxter : Oh, not dad. Boyd only knows, like, six words, and half of them are "I blame Obamacare!". He's a bad influence.

  Mike Baxter : You know, he's standing right here.

  Vanessa Baxter : He does his best.

  Mike Baxter : Literally, I'm standing right here.

• Mike Baxter : You know who should take Boyd to day care? Is that deadbeat, no-good father of his.

  Kristin Baxter : Yeah, dad. We've been over this, really. I'm doing fine. I know this might be hard for you to believe because you're so old school, but I do not need a man.

  Mike Baxter : Well, you got a baby, so you needed a man once.

  Kristin Baxter : Ew! All right, I will take Boyd to day care, but I just hope my being late does not cause the Great Bacon Riot of 2011.

  Mike Baxter : I like bacon.

• Mike Baxter : [seeing Mandy crying]  Now what's wrong?

  Eve Baxter : Dad, no. It's gonna be boring.

  Mandy Baxter : I just... I really needed mom's advice.

  Mike Baxter : Well, I'm here. You can have dad's advice.

  Mandy Baxter : No, I need good advice.

  Mike Baxter : I gave your older sister plenty of advice when she was a teenager. What's up?

  Mandy Baxter : Oh, yeah. Is that when she got the tattoo or when she came home from her prom pregnant?

  Mike Baxter : She has a tattoo?

  Eve Baxter : I think it's called a tramp stamp.

  Mike Baxter : Yeah, thank god. She doesn't have a tattoo. She has a-a tramp stamp.

• Mike Baxter : Hey, guys, great to be back in the sanctuary.

  [greetings from his coworkers] 

  Mike Baxter : Yeah. No hair dryers, no tears, no citrus body wash. It smells like balls in here.

• Ed Alzate : Just got a call from corporate today. They wanna shut down the catalog.

  Mike Baxter : Corporate? You own the company.

  Ed Alzate : Well, it was worth a shot. What the hell.

  Mike Baxter : Wait, what are you talking about? Our catalog was voted Best Catalog by Catalog Magazine.

• Ed Alzate : Catalog is done.

  Mike Baxter : What, are you gonna phase it out?

  Ed Alzate : Consider it phased.

  Mike Baxter : After Costa Rica, we're done?

  Ed Alzate : No Costa, no Rica. You're grounded. But I need your expertise on the website.

  Mike Baxter : The website's terrible.

  Ed Alzate : Oh, that's why I want you in charge of it. For us to have any future at all, we have to lure young men to our stuff.

  Mike Baxter : Now you sound like my sisters talking.

  Ed Alzate : Young people don't read catalogs anymore. They're online, so your job now is you gotta go get 'em. I need this company to be viable a hundred years from now so I'll have a place to come back to when they unfreeze my head.

• Mike Baxter : Honey, I-I don't think you're ever gonna be able to rely on this Travis guy, and I'm also gonna ground you 'till you can figure out how to change a tire.

  Mandy Baxter : [running out]  That's so unfair!

  Mike Baxter : Who ever said life was supposed to be fair? I'm just doing this so you don't have to depend on a man.

  Kristin Baxter : Um, I thought your argument with me was that I needed a man.

  Mike Baxter : [stammering]  Just concern yourself with this area over here.

• Vanessa Baxter : How's work?

  Kristin Baxter : Oh, they're adding all you can eat sausage to the mix tomorrow. It's gonna be mayhem.

  Vanessa Baxter : [sympathetically]  Mm.

  Mike Baxter : I love sausage.

  Vanessa Baxter : Your dad can drive Boyd to day care.

  Mike Baxter , Kristin Baxter : There's no car seat in the truck.

  Vanessa Baxter : Well, I will take the truck. You can take the minivan.

  Mike Baxter : [he laughs]  You'll take the truck. I'll drive the minivan. You're not kidding right now, are you?

  Vanessa Baxter : No, I'm not.

• Mike Baxter : What happened to men? We used to build cities just so we could burn them down. We got our hair cut by a guy named Hank.