Game Boys (2008)
Alex Shryock: Ray
Photos
Quotes
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Art : The hell kind of fucked-up Pac-Man is that?
Scott : That is Pac-Man for the Atari 2600, and apparently you guys have about twenty copies of it there.
Ray : Yeah, so use some respect, asshole!
Art : Uh, respect? It looks like ass!
Ray : Yeah, you know what? That's the goddamn fucking point!
Scott : The game is legendary for its badness. It was part of the downfall for the Atari. I men, look at that shit. Seriously, look at it. You can't see the ghosts, Pac-Man looks deformed, and he's eating rectangles. How do you fuck up one of the most simplistic games ever made?
Art : See, and this is why I don't play video games.
Ray : Yeah, you just jerk off to Samus from Metroid.
Scott : Yeah, until he found out she was a chick!
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[Scott and Ray are playing The World is Not Enough for the Nintendo 64]
Ray : Alright, now, the objective of this game right here is to shoot as many of the innocent bystanders as you can before the game automatically cuts out. Leaves us about ten seconds to do it.
Scott : Hit that guy right there! Get that motherfucker!
[shoots an innocent bystander in the game]
Ray : Wrong place, wrong time, guy with luggage!
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Ray : Hey, we do not give up on this. Did General Custer give up when he was surrounded by arrows coming at him from all directions? Okay, maybe not all directions; they mainly came from the right, BUT THAT'S NOT THE POINT! He avoided those obstacles and made sweet, sweet love to those naked pixels.
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Ray : Bull to the shit!
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[first lines]
Scott : I taught you how to play this several times. It isn't that fucking hard!
Ray : What do you mean it's not hard? There's nothing self-explanatory about the fucking thing.
Scott : But I've showed you how to play it. You've seen me beat it. You know exactly what to do in the game!
Ray : No, I don't. The pits! The fucking pits! I rise out of the fucking pits, and guess what? I fall right back down, and it happens again, and again, and again, and, and then, then I go and I fucking die! This game is pure fucking trash!
Scott : That... is bullshit.
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Ray : Yeah, I don't think she's dumb, she's just not exactly 8-bit.
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Ray : Art, I don't think you understand the severity of the mound of shit that spews from that cartridge. In Superman for the NES, if you get shot, you die. Did you hear that? If you're Superman and you get shot by a speeding bullet, you fucking die in that game. You're putting your entire store at risk just by having that fucking thing in there! It'd be better off for all of us if you'd just let me have it for a lower price.
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Scott : She beat the Death Score!
Art : The fuck are you talking about?
Scott : Sally said that if she beat the Death Score on Berzerk that she would join us tonight, and she beat the Death Score in about ten minutes!
Ray : You knew that the deadliest fucking game known to man would benefit your personal life?
Scott : Exactly!
Art : The FUCK are you talking about?
Scott : In 1981, some teenager scored 16,660 points on Berzerk, then moments later keeled over, dead, from a heart attack. The following year, the same thing happened to some other teenager, and Sally totally got 21,720 points.
Ray : Yeah, she's probably in a fucking body bag now!
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Scott : But look, even you dated girls before who wanted part of Simon Belmont or Mega Man. Look at Brenda; she fucking hated video games.
Ray : She did give me head during Super Mario Bros. 3.
[flash back to Ray playing Super Mario Bros. 3 ecstatically]
Ray : Yes, yes, yes, YES, YES, YES!
[Brenda's head lifts up from his lap]
Brenda : Uh, are you almost done?
Ray : I just got the third star. That's five extra lives!
Ray : [cut to present] And I fucking beat that game, too.
Scott : You've been beating that game since you were nine!
Ray : Yeah, but I haven't been getting blowjobs since I was nine!
Scott : Oh no, just handjobs!
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Scott : Everything now is just so dumbed down. I mean, grab any new game that you want. If you can't beat that fucking thing in two weeks, you might as well chop off your fucking hands! I mean, give me a game that is such a difficult son of a bitch to beat that not only do I question the existence of the game Gods, but that I think that they are such fucking assholes that they make me start all the way back to the beginning of the level, even though I was this fucking close to making it to the end. Give me fucking Kid Icarus!
Ray : Here, here-icus!
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Philip M. Wiswell : General Custer is making his leap from the history books to your home video game system.
Steve : You know, I'm gonna have to check a history book, but I really don't think that's how it went.
Philip M. Wiswell : This is the granddaddy of wild west hoedowns; the game that is sure to cause a nation-wide game shortage all across America. And it is also the game that cannot be conquered, no matter how high the stamina of the player. The object of the game is to move General George Custer out of harm's way from the dangerous oncoming arrows, and right into the arms of his fair Indian maiden. If you get hit by one of the many arrows, your life won't be the only thing in the game that goes limp. Be careful for that oncoming chill as well. You'll want to move to the warmth and comfort of that naked flesh without wasting any valuable time.
Scott : What fucking oncoming chill?
Philip M. Wiswell : You build up one point for every thrust, but don't be too sure of yourself once you get that perfect rhythm. After scoring fifty thrusts, the arrows begin coming at you harder and faster. Looks like the oncoming attackers are jealous of your smooth-taking moves! The only way to get the attackers back is to prove your own skill to be harder and faster. you get one extra life for every fifty points, but use them wisely, as men are not physically equipped to handle the multiple orgasm.
Steve : He's got us there!
Philip M. Wiswell : You may think to yourself, "Should I stop to let her breathe or pack her down with ice?" There's no need to fear, because as long as she keeps smiling, you're in good hands. Yup. Still smiling!
Ray : Well, that's a relief!
