Mit dir geteilt
- Japanese Man: So sorry, Kyle, but I am starving. Which would you rather I eat? Should I eat a cuttlefish and asparagus or the vanilla paste-o?
- Kyle Broflovski: [muffled] Vanilla paste! Vanilla paste!
- Liane Cartman: [on their way home from Best Buy, furious for his son's vulgar tantrum] Stop crying, Eric! I told you if you kept acting up, you weren't getting anything!
- Eric Cartman: [sniffles] But I told you I was sorry.
- Liane Cartman: You made me look like some sort of child molester in front of all those PEOPLE!
- Eric Cartman: I wasn't trying to get you in trouble.
- Liane Cartman: Then why did you go outside to a police officer and say Help! Help! My mom is trying to fuck me!
- Eric Cartman: [looks around for something to come back with] Oh wait, I get it now! The F-word is a no-no word, and I shouldn't say it around other people. I'm sorry, Mama.
- Liane Cartman: [no longer falling her son's obvious lies] If you're really sorry, then you'll understand why you aren't getting anything!
- Eric Cartman: [sniffles] Well, now that doesn't really have any logical sense, Mommy, because I'm already being punished by not getting the iPad. Mama. Please, can we just go back and get the Toshiba Handibook?
- Liane Cartman: [finally viewing her son as a self-righteous monster] NO!
- Eric Cartman: Well then, can we at least pull up here and get some dinner? 'Cause I like to be wined and dined after I've been FUCKED!
- [bangs at the dashboard with his fists]
- Japanese Man: So sorry, Kyle, but I am starving. Which would you rather I eat? Should I eat a cuttlefish and asparagus or the vanilla paste-o?
- Kyle Broflovski: [muffled] Vanilla paste! Vanilla paste!
- Dr. Phil Announcer: Today, on Dr. Phil. The tragic story of a little boy whose mother constantly tries to fuck him.
- Dr. Phil: I want you all to meet Eric Cartman, who's a very special boy with a very hard life. Eric, you say that your mom fucks you?
- Eric Cartman: Yes! She fucks me so hard!
- Dr. Phil: Does this happen often? Does she- does she fuck you a lot?
- Eric Cartman: Dude, Filipino hookers don't get fucked the way I do!
- [the audience ohhhs]
- Dr. Phil: Now, I know this is very difficult for you to talk about, but... where was the last time your mother fucked you?
- Eric Cartman: At Best Buy.
- [the audience ahhhs]
- Dr. Phil: Your mother fucked you at Best Buy?
- Eric Cartman: Uh huh.
- Dr. Phil: And people saw her doing this?
- Eric Cartman: Yes!
- Dr. Phil: And they didn't do anything?
- Eric Cartman: No!
- Liane Cartman: [making her way to the stage, purely outraged for her son's on-air vulgarity] Eric, stop it!
- Eric Cartman: Oh, there she is! There's my mom right now!
- [Dr. Phil crosses his arms, and the audience boos her]
- Eric Cartman: Booooooo!
- Liane Cartman: [clearly on to her son's selfishness] Eric, you come home, right now!
- [the audience still boos her]
- Dr. Phil: Ma'am, why do you think it's okay to fuck your son?
- Eric Cartman: [as only she is able to see through her son's lies] I DON'T!
- Eric Cartman: [still deluded] She does! She does it all the time! She fucked me on Christmas, she fucked me on my birthday...
- [the audience awwws]
- Eric Cartman: You know, Mom, the least you could do is kiss me first. 'Cause I liked to be kissed before I get fucked!
- Man in Audience #1: You fuck your son and you won't even give him a kiss? Booooooo!
- Man in Audience #2: [seated with his arm around a boy] If I was gonna fuck my son, I'd kiss him first!
- [kisses the boy on the forehead slowly]
- Dr. Phil: Well Eric, we have a very special gift we wanna give you.
- Eric Cartman: [suddenly bright with hope] An iPad?
- [dances in his chair]
- Stan Marsh: We're trying to find out exactly what Kyle agreed to.
- Gerald Broflovski: There can't be anything in that agreement that allows a company to do what they're talking about to Kyle.
- Eric Cartman: It does email and web browsing and it shits in Kyle's mouth? This is the greatest thing that has ever been invented!
- Gerald Broflovski: Well, that does it! I'm going to the police.
- Stan Marsh: For what?
- Gerald Broflovski: To find out where Apple is keeping my son.
- Stan Marsh: Dude, when the police want to know where somebody is, they ask Apple.
- [last lines, everyone leaves as Steve Jobs has Kyle separated from his two victims]
- Eric Cartman: Hey! Hey, what is this! Some sort of sick prank? I get the greatest thing ever just to have it taken away?
- [looks up at the sky]
- Eric Cartman: [innocent tone] Why did you do this to me, God? Next time you're gonna get my hopes up, could you please take me to a grease monkey? 'Cause I like to get lubed up...
- [his tone changes to total fury]
- Eric Cartman: ... before I get FUCKED! Huh? Some lube would be nice, or at least a courtesy lick, God! How about a little courtesy lick next time you decide to FUCK me!
- [without warning, a bolt of lightning hits Cartman, the screen suddenly goes black, the final scene shows Cartman recuperated in a hospital bed with injuries and burns, he cries as Liane sits by his side and just reads her book]