Quotes

For a Few Paintballs More

Troy Barnes: We just took down a professional paintball assassin.
Dean Pelton: A professional? Aah! That doesn't make sense. Why would someone who gets paid to do things be at Greendale?

Jeff Winger: Everyone look alive! Leonard, close enough.
[pause]
Jeff Winger: Greendale, it's been a pleasure fighting with you. Some of us won't make it, but there is a place where we will all see each other again, and that place is Denny's.
Leonard: Which Denny's?
Jeff Winger: We'll figure that out later, Leonard.
Leonard: The one near the 15 exit, I'm banned.
Jeff Winger: Then I guess I'll see you in hell.
Leonard: Let's kick some taint!

[Two City College storm troopers come upon a poster on a door]
Storm Trooper #1: [reading mockingly] Welcome to Greendale. You're already accepted.
Storm Trooper #2: Losers!
[the storm troopers are shot through the poster]
Storm Trooper #2: What the hell?
[the door opens to reveal Annie, Abed, and Shirley]
Annie Edison: Welcome to Greendale.
Abed Nadir: You're already dead.

Dean Spreck: [Over PA] Greendale students, I understand you've unified and intend to draw this game out. Well, if it's a war you want, it's a war you will lose. City College is stronger, faster. Our sperm counts are higher, even in our women. Resistance is as pointless as your degrees. Honestly, ask yourself, what does "Liberal Arts" even mean?

Abed Nadir: It seems we've left the Western motif and are entering a Star Wars scenario.
[Everybody exclaims, annoyed]
Abed Nadir: I wish it happened sooner too.

Troy Barnes: This is why we have to agree, right now, that whoever wins, we give the money to Greendale.
[People disagree]
Troy Barnes: To repair the damage and save our school. Abed, tell them.
Abed Nadir: Whatever. I ain't in it for your revolution. I'm in it for me.
Troy Barnes: Wait, Abed, this was your idea.
Abed Nadir: But I'm calling dibs on the Han Solo role before Jeff slouches into it. Star-Burns, I need that vest.
Star-Burns: Pfft. Oh, yeah, right.
Abed Nadir: Give me the vest, laser breath, before our conversation gets nasty.

Dean Spreck: I'm so glad that we didn't shoot you. Now we have the advantage of knowing that Jeff Winger wants to be a ballerina and that his Achilles heel is..."wieners."
Pierce Hawthorne: That's just the tip of the iceberg. For one more pudding, ill tell you why he's jealous of me.
Dean Spreck: They kicked you out of study group after two years?
Pierce Hawthorne: Yeah.
Dean Spreck: What took them so long?

City College Storm Trooper: Sir, this guy tried to charge us three paintballs to use the bathroom. We were gonna shoot him, but tell him what you told us.
Pierce Hawthorne: Don't shoot me.
Dean Spreck: Great. Now shoot him.

Storm Trooper #6: [paintball gun fires] We win!
Storm Trooper #7: We win!
[crowd groans]
Storm Trooper #6: Yes.
[laughing]
Storm Trooper #6: Ha, ha, ha.
Storm Trooper #7: All right!
Storm Trooper #6: Way to shoot!
Pierce Hawthorne: [dressed as a Storm Trooper] All right, we did it.
Storm Trooper #6: Yeah, way to go.
[laughs]
Storm Trooper #7: Yes. Who are you?
Pierce Hawthorne: Your mother's lover.
Storm Trooper #6: Unh! What?
Storm Trooper #7: What?
Storm Trooper #6: That's low. Oh, man.
Pierce Hawthorne: [removes mask] I win!
[crowd laughing and gasping]
Pierce Hawthorne: You owe me a hundred G's. And you can make the check out... to Greendale.

Dean Pelton: Dean Spreck?
Dean Spreck: Hello, Craig.
Dean Pelton: City College. Now I understand everything. Now your whole evil plan is clear as day. But if you need to explain it to your men, I understand.

Troy Barnes: City College is trying to destroy Greendale and they're an unstoppable juggle knob.
Abed Nadir: [whispers to Troy] Juggernaut.
Troy Barnes: Juggernaut.

Annie Edison: Here, help me with this.
Abed Nadir: Sure thing, your worship.
Annie Edison: Abed! Stop trying to be Han Solo, it's making me embarrassed for you.
Abed Nadir: Come on, admit it, you like it.
Annie Edison: I like having conversations with adults. Playing Star Wars is worn out and immature.
Abed Nadir: [Abed takes Annie's hand] You like me because I'm immature. There's not enough immaturity in your life.
[Annie tilts her head]

Pierce Hawthorne: Just came back for my day planner. Pretend I'm not even here. You guys are great at that.
Britta Perry: Come on, Pierce. We all know there is no day planner.
Pierce Hawthorne: Here it is. Now, if you'll excuse me, it appears I'm running late to drink a bottle of wine in my bathing suit.
Jeff Winger: Pierce, wait.
[Pierce clears throat]
Pierce Hawthorne: You know, I've been coming to this school for 12 years? I've never been friends with anyone here more than a semester. Probably for the same reason I've been married seven times.
[soft chuckle]
Pierce Hawthorne: I guess I assume, eventually, I'll be rejected. So I, you know, test people, push them, until they prove me right. It's a sickness. I admit it. But this place has always accepted me, sickness and all. This place accepted all of you, sickness and all. It's worth thinking about.
Jeff Winger: Um, I think we have thought about it, Pierce, and you're right. And we were just picking a class we could all be in this fall. And we'd love for you to join us.
Pierce Hawthorne: No, thanks. I'm done with you guys. I like this school, but I'm done with whatever you call this. Adiós.
Troy Barnes: He was my ride.
Annie Edison: I'm going after him.
Britta Perry: No, he's just acting out. I've seen this behavior before. In cats. My... my cats.
Jeff Winger: It's true. And now he'll come slinking back in five, four, three, two...

Jeff Winger: Oh, now you're the leader?
Troy Barnes: I don't see you stepping up.
Jeff Winger: I don't step up to being leader, Troy. I reluctantly accept it when it's thrust upon me.
Shirley Bennett: Oh, Jeff.
Annie Edison: You know, you're an idiot.

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