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- Michael Scarn: I'm too depressed to save the big game, Billy. I'm at my low point.
- Billy the Bartender: When you're sad, you don't do your job no good. And this country needs you to do your job good.
- Michael Scarn: Yeah, yeah, yeah.
- Billy the Bartender: I'm gonna cheer you up, the only ways I know how's. Hey, kid!
- [he throws a quarter to a boy]
- Billy the Bartender: Hit G9 on the jukebox!
- Michael Scarn: No. Don't, Billy. I haven't done that dance since my wife died.
- Billy the Bartender: This isn't just about you anymore. There's a whole crowd of people out there who need to learn how to do the Scarn.
- Drunk Man in Bar: The Scarn? Sounds gay.
- Michael Scarn: It is gay. And straight, and black, and white, and young, and old, and cool. Check it!
- Goldenface: Sorry about your friend, Scarn.
- Michael Scarn: The joke's on you, Goldenface. That man was a wanted animal rapist.
- Michael Scott: I am a huge Woody Allen fan. Although I've only seen "Antz." But I'll tell you something, what I respect about that man is that when he was going through all of that stuff that came out in the press, about how "Antz" was just a ripoff of "A Bug's Life," he stayed true to his films. Or at least the film that I saw, which, again, was "Antz." Thing is, I thought "A Bug's Life" was better, much better than "Antz." Point is, don't listen to your critics. Listen to your fans.
- Samuel L. Chang: We've searched the whole building, Goldenface. Where is the bomb?
- Goldenface: Hmm?
- Samuel L. Chang: We've searched the whole building, Goldenface. Where is the bomb?
- Goldenface: Hmm?
- Samuel L. Chang: We've searched the... Okay.
- Michael Scarn: He said we've searched the whole building, Goldenface. Now, where is the bomb?
- Goldenface: So you searched the whole stadium, hmm? Well, you didn't think to look in the puck!
- [he throws the puck to Scarn]
- Michael Scarn: The bomb is in the puck? Well, then, why are you telling me this?
- Goldenface: Because I'm going to kill you. Unless you make a deal. I'll release these hostages and defuse that bomb. All you have to do... is forgive me for murdering your wife.
- Michael Scott: But, you know what? When I think about it, when I really think about it, none of those things are as real to me as my movie.
- Holly Flax: I'm real.
- Michael Scott: Yeah, you're a real pain in the ass.
- Michael Scarn: More Tylenol?
- Sexy Nurse: You've already had four. You're lucky to be alive. That bullet went through every major organ in your body. Your brain, your lungs, your heart, your back, your balls.
- Michael Scarn: It'll take a lot more than a bullet to the brain, lungs, heart, back and balls to kill Michael Scarn.
- Sexy Nurse: Let's just make sure that everything's... working properly.
- Darryl Philbin: I gave up a lot of weekends because I thought it would be good for my daughter to see a black man as president, even in a silly home movie. What a stupid waste of time.
- Bachelorette #1: Who ordered the man-burger well done?
- Bachelorette #2: Hey, hot stuff. One less fling.
- Bachelorette #3: Come and ride the choo-choo. The sex choo-choo.
- Bachelorette #4: Ever banged an entire bachelorette party, baby?
- Narrator: Well, the hostages were scared.
- Hostage #1, Roy Anderson: Help, help!
- Hostage #2: Don't you guys get it? Nobody's coming for us!
- Goldenface: Oh, someone's coming, alright. The only man who would care, Michael Scarn.
- Sandra: Why are you doing this, Goldenface?
- Goldenface: Why? Because I have unfinished business with Scarn, and you're my trap. See, I'm gonna lure him here. Then, I'm gonna kill everybody. Then, I'm gonna dig up Scarn's dead wife and I'm gonna hump her real good! Hahahaha! Right now, I'm going to do some drugs. So, don't try anything.
- Roy Anderson: We need to choose a leader. Someone who's tough enough to take on Goldenface.
- [Goldenface leaves the area]
- Sandra: I could be the leader.
- Hostage #2: What makes you so tough?
- Sandra: I have experience as a leader, a negotiator, a general and a cop. In other words, I'm a mom.
- Hostage #3: It'll be Sandra.
- Hostage #2: Listen. It doesn't matter who's leader! It's every man for himself down here. There is only one way out and it is through that door.
- [he crashes into the door, where Goldenface returns]
- Goldenface: Those drugs really hit the spot. So, you guys chosen a leader yet?
- Sandra: Gulp!
- President Jackson: Scarn, you're right on time.
- Michael Scarn: What's the situation, President Jackson?
- President Jackson: It's your old enemy, Goldenface. As you're aware, Goldenface tried to blow up the NFL All-Star game, the baseball All-Star game and the NBA All-Star game. You stopped him every time. Then, you took one day off to run a 20k with your friend Robin Williams.
- Michael Scarn: One day off.
- President Jackson: That was the day of the WNBA All-Star game. We all know what happened then.
- Michael Scarn: My wife was in that game.
- President Jackson: Now, he's after the NHL All-Star game. He's hidden a bomb somewhere in the stadium. Scarn, this one's personal for me. I own the stadium. I can't see it blown up. It's my retirement plan.
- Samuel L. Chang: We have to search the stadium.
- President Jackson: Not so fast. Goldenface has taken all of the concession stand workers hostage. We go in, he kills the hostages.
- Samuel L. Chang: Why not just cancel the game?
- President Jackson: Cost them too much money to cancel the game.
- Michael Scarn: Money. It's always about money, isn't it? If I ever own a business, I'm not gonna care about money.
- President Jackson: Scarn, will you find these hostages and save the game?
- Michael Scarn: No. I don't think it's important enough. Just out of curiosity, what threat level is this?
- President Jackson: I can't sugarcoat this. We're at Threat Level... Midnight!
- Michael Scarn: Heads, I do it. Tails, I don't. Best out of seven. Heads, tails. Heads, tails. Heads, tails.
- [he does a final coin toss where heads won]
- Michael Scarn: Looks like there's gonna be a cleanup on aisle 5.
- Samuel L. Chang: Master Scarn. Master Scarn!
- Michael Scarn: Let me dream.
- [Samuel uses cymbals to wake Scarn up]
- Michael Scarn: I'm up.
- Samuel L. Chang: It's the President. He needs you for a mission.
- Michael Scarn: Tell him I'm retired.
- Samuel L. Chang: It's Goldenface. The man who killed...
- Michael Scarn: Don't say her name! Goldenface. This makes it personal.
- Michael Scarn: Well, well, well. So, you are Jasmine Windsong.
- Jasmine Windsong: Sorry. I don't sign autographs.
- Michael Scarn: I don't need your autograph. I have Nora Dunn's autograph, Jack Kemp's autograph and Jerome Bettis's autograph.
- Jasmine Windsong: That's not a bad collection.
- Michael Scarn: I'm looking for some people.
- Jasmine Windsong: I don't know about any hostages.
- Michael Scarn: Who said that they were hostages?
- Jasmine Windsong: Stranger, I don't know what you're talking about.
- Narrator: Michael knew that the only way to get Jasmine to tell him where the hostages were was to make her fall in love with him. And to do that was to be himself.
- Michael Scarn: Well, maybe, I should tell you a little bit about me. I love Billy Joel songs, and I love fish sandwiches. I love babies and I love puppies. And I actually like to think of puppies as baby dogs. I don't know. That seems a little weird. I'm part Bruce Wayne, part Bruce Willis and part Bruce Vilanch.
- Jasmine Windsong: Just stick around my set. I think you'll find it very informative.
- [she uses the microphone]
- Jasmine Windsong: Hello, everyone. I'm afraid this might be my last performance. This one goes out to anyone who has been held hostage.
- [she starts singing]
- Jasmine Windsong: I love-
- [Michael Scarn records her singing and plays it in reverse]
- Jasmine Windsong: The hostages are under the stadium.
- [a toxic dart from Goldenface's minion lands on her throat]
- Michael Scarn: Check, please.
- Michael Scarn: I'm too depressed to save the big game, Billy. I'm at my low point.
- Billy the Bartender: When you're sad, you don't do your job no good. And this country needs you to do your job good.
- Michael Scarn: Yeah, yeah, yeah.
- Billy the Bartender: I'm gonna cheer you up, the only ways I know how's. Hey, kid!
- [he throws a quarter to a boy]
- Billy the Bartender: Hit G9 on the jukebox!
- Michael Scarn: No. Don't, Billy. I haven't done that dance since my wife died.
- Billy the Bartender: This isn't just about you anymore. There's a whole crowd of people out there who need to learn how to do the Scarn.
- Drunk Man in Bar: The Scarn? Sounds gay.
- Michael Scarn: It is gay. And straight, and black, and white, and young, and old, and cool. Check it!
- Assassin: I got a delivery for you.
- Michael Scarn: Leave it at the reception.
- Assassin: I'm supposed to deliver this one in person.
- [he reveals a gun, trying to shoot at Scarn repeatedly until the bullets ran out. Scarn shows off two guns and kills the assassin]
- Michael Scarn: Clean up on aisle 5.
- Michael Scarn: One minute left in the period and it's still no puck!
- [he sees the ghost of Cherokee Jack]
- Michael Scarn: Cherokee Jack.
- Cherokee Jack: I want you to take all of your frustrations with women, the system, with everything. Take it out on the puck. All on the puck.
- Michael Scarn: Take it out on the puck.
- Sandra: Hey, Goldenface. Can I ask you a question? I mean, since we're all gonna die here anyway, why is your face gold?
- Goldenface: Why do you care?
- Sandra: I'm just making conversation.
- Goldenface: I worked in a gold factory. We had a boss who only cared about money. He didn't give us lunch breaks, so we had to eat the gold. And then, one day, I looked in the mirror and I guess you are what you eat.
- Narrator: It wasn't easy for Scarn to admit that he'd lost his self-confidence. And he hadn't, of course. He just wasn't using it right now.
- Andy Bernard / Rapper: [rapps to a montage of scenes from the movie] Ahhhh, yeah! Threat Level Midnight! Makes all the girlies feel alright! From Madonna to Madelyn Allbrite, Threat Level Midnight! It's a threat, a level, a level level threat. He's the greatest hockey star I ever seen yet. Threat Level what? Midnight! Threat Level who? Michael Scarn! Threat Level why? Apartheid! Gotta fight it, Free Mandela! Peace, I'm out!
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