Primeval (TV Series)

Matt's Secret (2011)

Ben Miller: James Lester

Quotes 

• James Lester : [Stuck in traffic]  A route Jess, any route, just find a way to get me out of here.

  Jess Parker : You might want to invest in a sat-nav.

  James Lester : Why bother when I've got you?

  Jess Parker : [sighs to herself]  You've had two calls from the cabinet office.

  James Lester : Oh, Yes? what do they want?

  Jess Parker : Something about a knighthood. They want to set up a meeting with you, something about a vetting process.

  James Lester : Well? What are you waiting for? Get my PA to set it up as soon as possible and find me that route out here fast. Sorry, you did say a knighthood?

  Jess Parker : Yes. Anything else you need that's not in my job description?

  James Lester : [Hangs up]  Sir James Lester... Hmm

• Jess Parker : The creature took Conner!

  James Lester : Yes, I heard that the first time. What are you doing about it? Look, at the risk of sounding a tad self involved this better not screw up my knighthood. Matt will find him, don't worry. If you were an insect, would you want to eat Conner?

• Captain Becker : Lester, its Becker. I'm afraid the EMD's won't cut it; we're going to need conventional fire power, and that means guns.

  James Lester : How many guns?

  Captain Becker : Well, as many as you can spare.

  James Lester : Oh, yeah, fine. Perhaps you'd like a tank as well.

  Captain Becker : What, a tank...

  James Lester : No, no. I was obviously joking.

  Captain Becker : No, really, a tank?

  James Lester : You can't have a tank!

  [pause] 

  James Lester : Just so I know, who is it exactly that Matt intends to shoot?

• James Lester : Jess, there's a man missing. Talk of him being snatched by some kind of creature. Do we have an anomaly?

  Jess Parker : No. That does sound like an incursion. Just intercepted emergency calls. I've sounded the alert. I'm going to send a team out now.

  James Lester : Good. And yeah, you'd better send a helicopter for me, I I really can't afford to be late for this meeting.

• James Lester : Yes, I've got an anomaly for you Jess, One of the greatest anomalies know to the western world. Why they call them road works

  [Yells at the road crew] 

  James Lester : WHEN THERE'S NEVER ANY WORK GOING!

• James Lester : What's this?

  Jess Parker : Satellite image, ground-penetrating radar. This creature's been here a long time.

  James Lester : Ay-yi-yi.

  Jess Parker : It stretches for miles and intercepts with every man-made tunnel and natural cave system under the city.

  James Lester : Ugh. Lucky I've just sanctioned its extermination, then. This would have to happen on the day I'm being vetted for a knighthood.

  Jess Parker : Yeah, some creatures just have no sense of occasion, do they?

• James Lester : They did tell you what we do here?

  Miss Reece : Not in detail. They just said it was covered by the Official Secrets Act. What do you do, exactly?

  James Lester : Well, I don't like to talk about my own contribution, but it's not every job where one gets to save lives. I suppose I'll have to meet the Queen?

• James Lester : I hope you got everything you need; Ms Reece.

  Miss Reece : Very much so. Frankly you've been most impressive.

  James Lester : With something like this, one does as much as one can to help.

  Miss Reece : He must be a dear colleague.

  James Lester : Sorry? Who must be? Sorry, you said a dear colleague. Who'd you mean?

  Miss Reece : Well Phillip Burton of course.I'm sure he'll be flattered to know the lengths you've gone for him today.

  James Lester : The knighthood's for him?

  Miss Reece : Of course who else?

  James Lester : He's going to be Sir Phillip Burton?

  Miss Reece : It has a ring to it doesn't it. If there were any doubts about his suitability, you have certainly put my mind at rest.

  [Leaves] 

  James Lester : Good, good. It's all good, it's all good. Good, good old Phillip, or should I say Sir Phillip! Sir Phillip! Good, good, good. Yep.

  [Walks into his office, shuts the door and yells in frustration] 

  James Lester : AHHHHHHHHH!

• James Lester : So, it was your idea to blow up a perfectly good shopping centre?

  Connor Temple : Guilty.

  James Lester : Not to worry. I'll square it with the relevant authorities. Not that I need any recognition or thanks, let alone any awards. Unlike some people.