- Carly Shay: [to Freddie] Are those new pants?
- Freddie Benson: Yes, they are.
- Carly Shay: From tweenpants.com?
- Freddie Benson: They sell pants for men now.
- Carly Shay: Then you should have bought some.
- Pam Puckett: Hey, Sam, remember when you were seven and I told you that Fluffles ran away?
- Sam Puckett: Yeah?
- Pam Puckett: I sold him.
- Sam Puckett: Oh, my God. You sold my bunny?
- Pam Puckett: To foreigners.
- Sam Puckett: [gasps] Yeah, well, you wanna know why that rich doctor stopped calling you?
- Pam Puckett: Steven?
- Sam Puckett: I told him you got hit by a bus.
- [Pam gasps]
- Carly Shay: [to Sam] Can you tell me why I found this half-eaten tamale in my bed?
- Sam Puckett: 'Cause I left it there. Give me it.
- Carly Shay: My bed is a place for me to sleep, not a place for your Mexican fiesta platters.
- Spencer Shay: [to Carly and Sam] Yo, can you guys take the girl fight upstairs? I wanna watch "Celebrities Underwater."
- Carly Shay: No, I don't like that show.
- Spencer Shay: Why?
- Carly Shay: It's not fun to watch D-list actors almost drown.
- Spencer Shay: [while going through the DVR] Hey, no, no, no, no. Why isn't "Celebrities Underwater" on my DVR?
- Sam Puckett: I deleted it.
- Spencer Shay: Why would you do that?
- Sam Puckett: I don't like the playlist menu cluttered up with a bunch of shows I'm not into.
- Sam Puckett: Carly, you got my mother...
- Carly Shay: You guys have to make up.
- Sam Puckett: I don't want any part of her.
- Pam Puckett: You don't deserve my parts.
- Sam Puckett: Why would I want worn out parts?
- Pam Puckett: [to Sam] Just take a good look at your future, baby, 'cause this is where you're headed.
- Sam Puckett: My future is gonna be just fine.
- Pam Puckett: Who told you that, your parole officer?
- Sam Puckett: At least I call my parole officer.
- Pam Puckett: Why don't you take a bath?
- Sam Puckett: 'Cause you didn't pay the water bill.
- Pam Puckett: [to the psychologist] You married?
- Dr. Parper: Excuse me?
- Pam Puckett: I don't see a ring. You got a woman or what?
- Sam Puckett: Pardon my mommy's desperation.
- Pam Puckett: Pardon my daughter's personality.
- Dr. Parper: [to Sam and Pam] Now, I'd like to try something new.
- Sam Puckett: You're gonna join a gym?
- Dr. Parper: No, Sam. You two need to spend some time in the therapy box.
- Pam Puckett: What's that, like a tanning thing?
- Dr. Parper: No, Pam. It's a new kind of therapy that's a bit unorthodox.
- Sam Puckett: Ahh, that's cool. We're not Jewish.
- Pam Puckett: [to Sam] Why can't you be more like Melanie?
- Sam Puckett: Well, quit comparing me to Melanie.
- Pam Puckett: You threw up in my car.
- Sam Puckett: I was six years old. Get over it.
- Carly Shay: Okay. We've all done things that we're not proud of, like selling a child's pet or ruining the chances of a mother finding true love, but if we just try to look at the positive side of this...
- Sam Puckett: You know, she's never even said one nice thing to me about "iCarly"?
- Carly Shay: Come on. I'm sure that's not true.
- Pam Puckett: What's "iCarly"?
- Carly Shay: [to Sam] No offense, you know that you're my best friend and that I love you, but let's face it. You're a nightmare.
- Sam Puckett: [to Pam] I love you.
- [pauses]
- Sam Puckett: Mother.
- Pam Puckett: What, you think I don't love you?
- Sam Puckett: You never say it.
- Pam Puckett: Well, it's not easy to say "I love you" to a daughter who thinks I'm, you know, scummy.
- Sam Puckett: I don't think you're scummy... all the time.
- Sam Puckett: [to Pam] Can I come home?
- Pam Puckett: Aw. Hug me, you little turd.
- [she and Sam hug each other]
- Carly Shay: [to Sam] Look, if you wanna keep staying here, then no more eating ethnic food in my bed.
- Spencer Shay: Yeah. And no deleting my wet celebrities.
- Carly Shay: And no more panties on the stairs.
- Sam Puckett: I don't like that word.
- Spencer Shay: Well, too bad. Stairs! Stairs! Stairs!
- Carly Shay: She meant panties.
- Spencer Shay: Now, I'm embarrassed.