Plot

Jay's plans to relax in Hawaii are thwarted. Phil tries to make the vacation special for Claire, but this results in the kids being unsupervised. Mitchell and Cameron debate on what to see.

The Pritchett family arrives at their hotel...although Cameron (Eric Stonestreet) wants to get a third take on Lily exiting the van, which Jay (Ed O'Neill) refuses. Phil (Ty Burrell) is determined to have a honeymoon with "the prettiest white lady on Maui," whom we know as Claire (Julie Bowen). It turns out their attempt at a honeymoon originally resulted in a pregnancy and a quick trip to the Justice of the Peace. ("My bad.") So Phil insists on carrying Claire over the threshold...from the lobby...very awkwardly.

CLAIRE: I'm a mom traveling with my kids. This isn't a vacation; it's a business trip!

Manny (Rico Rodriguez) and Luke (Nolan Gould) have their own room. Manny thinks they can meet up with a set of twin girls down by the kids' club by sending them a few virgin mai-tais, but Luke would prefer putting on a shower cap and pretend he's a bathroom martian from the Toilet Nebula.

While Jay orders a cheeseburger with fries instead of salad and chili fries instead of fruit, Claire warns Phil to stop watching Gloria (Sofía Vergara) in her swimsuit off her sunglasses and Haley (Sarah Hyland) to get off the phone. Phil solves one of those problems by throwing Haley's phone into the pool. (And that shout you heard was parents across America applauding him. The other shout was the male population drooling over Sofia Vergara.) He wants to have a couples' massage because he saw some people relaxing with one...until they saw him. He is hell-bent on having a honeymoon.

PHIL: In nature, fathers are known to eat their young. Is it because they're delicious? No. It's because they want to give their female...bear, giraffe, what have you...the honeymoon they never had. Just to be clear: I don't condone eating your kids, although I sure as heck know why giraffes do it.

Jay has decided he didn't want to lay around anymore, not even with Gloria on his lap. He woke up early, went to the gym, and he wants to go on an outrigger. Gloria can't understand why, but the fact that Jay's brother called to remind him their dad died when he was 63, like Jay was now, might have had something to do with it. Clearly, Jay never heard the wisdom of Groucho Marx who said you're only as old as the woman you feel. Which must make him a zygote. Now it's Gloria who doesn't want to move an inch.

GLORIA: I thought one of the advantages of marrying an older guy was that I would get to relax. But with the swimming and running and rowing, it's just like how some of my relatives got into this country.

Luke is complaining about Manny's obsession with folding clothes and his practice fire drills. But Phil wants to dump the kids on an unsuspecting Mitchell (Jesse Tyler Ferguson), Cameron, and Lily, who are going to the Lavender Ranch, where the grow 45 different varieties of lavender. ("Yeah, I can't sell that.") Cameron reluctantly agrees with Phil, even though he told Mitchell he likes going on adventures. Mitchell goes off alone after one last failed attempt to sell Cameron on the lavender ("It's the Lavender Ranch! It's something two men are supposed to do together!"), and Phil and Claire run like hell to an adults-only pool.

Claire finally relaxes in her swimsuit (and I'm still ticked at Eric Stonestreet for boasting on Twitter how hot Sofia Vergara and Julie Bowen are), but Haley is going to get some ice from a hotel across the street. She's instantly worried, but Phil insists that turning a vacation into a honeymoon takes commitment. She relents, because this won't end badly. Mitchell returns and wants to yell at Cameron for ditching him to relax. He continues yelling while someone brings Mitchell a drink, reclines his chaise, and gives him a foot massage. The argument pretty much falls apart after that. It felt weird, but good weird. Just like that one nozzle Phil found in the Infinity Pool. Cameron is proud of Mitchell for finally relaxing. In fact, they're so relaxed, they leave Lily in the elevator.

The Manny/Luke relationship takes a bit of a dip when Manny throws him out of the hotel room for making the room a mess and ruining his linen coat. A fact he shared with the crowd (what there was of it) at dinner.

MANNY: I know what all of you are thinking. Yes, my coat is wrinkled. I would have ironed it, but someone here thought it would be good to use the iron to make grilled cheese!

LUKE: I had bread. I had cheese. I had an iron. What was I supposed to do?

Phil goes to look for Jay, whom Gloria thinks is currently dragging a tugboat with his teeth. And Claire's honeymoon is officially over: Haley is throwing up in the bathroom from being drunk. Claire goes ballistic at Phil, even missing Lily in the elevator and insists Phil get his act together and help her watch the kids...right after he finds Jay like he promised Gloria, who DOES find Lily. Claire finds Haley in the bathroom, but the sorry shape Haley is in stops her from going nuclear on her. Haley apologizes profusely for having the drinks, and Claire can sympathize.

CLAIRE: One minute, you're having wine coolers at the football game, the next, the game "Truth or Claire" sweeps your high school.

HALEY: I don't think I'll ever feel better. Does this happen every time you drink?

CLAIRE: Yes, yes it does.

Phil finds Jay in a hammock, who threw his back out. Naturally, Phil is going to pull Jay straight out of the hammock, but it only results in the two cohabitating in the hammock...as couples go by. Fortunately for Jay, that's Phil's wallet he's feeling. Gloria returns Lily to Mitchell and Cameron, and Phil returns Jay to her. She admits he was wearing her out, and he confesses he was worried about being the same age as his father when he died. But his father would have loved her, as he was quite the charmer.

PHIL: The remaining days went much better. For Haley, her room stopped spinning. Jay got back to the vacation he always wanted (complete with cheeseburger). And Mitchell and Cameron managed to do some sightseeing at a working banana plantation...where they promptly lost Lily again. Me and Claire...we had a good time, but we really never did get that honeymoon.

Claire tries to convince him that the thrill wasn't gone from their marriage, but he figured it out. They never had a honeymoon because they never had a wedding. Therefore, the sketch show they prepared for Jay was set aside so Phil and Claire could have an actual wedding, complete with Jay walking his daughter down the aisle, Cam filming, and a Hawaiian priest reaffirming their vows. Although Phil should never give a quick answer to the "if anything ever happened to me, I'd want you to find someone else" trap statement.