- Ted: [Ted and Tami-Lynn grunting and moaning] Stick your finger in the loop of my tag!
- Frank: You had sexual intercourse with a co-worker on top of the produce that we sell to the public.
- Ted: I fucked her with a parsnip last week. And a sold the parsnip to a family with four small children.
- Frank: That took guts. We need guts. I'm promoting you.
- Ted: You got a lot of problems, don't ya?
- [from trailer]
- [thunder is heard outside]
- Lori: I don't - I don't understand. I really don't. You're 35 years old and you're still scared of a little thunder?
- John: I am not!
- [Ted comes running into the bed]
- Ted: Thunder buddies for life, right, Johnny?
- John: Fucking right.
- Ted: Alright, come on, let's sing the thunder song.
- John: Alright.
- John, Ted: [singing] When you hear the sound of thunder, / Don't you get too scared. / Just grab your thunder buddy / And say these magic words: / "Fuck you, thunder! / You can suck my dick! / You can't get me thunder / 'Cause you're just God's farts!"
- [blow raspberries]
- Narrator: No matter how big a splash you make in this world whether you're Corey Feldman, Frankie Muniz, Justin Bieber or a talking teddy bear, eventually, nobody gives a shit.
- Narrator: Now if there's one thing you can be sure of, it's that nothing is more powerful than a young boy's wish. Except an Apache helicopter. An Apache helicopter has machine guns AND missiles. It is an unbelievably impressive complement of weaponry, an absolute death machine.
- Ted: Oh hey listen, try this, I told my weed guy to step it up and he gave me that.
- [Ted passes a bong to John]
- Ted: .
- John: What is this?
- Ted: It's called "Mind Rape", it's actually pretty mellow.
- John: It doesn't sound very mellow.
- Ted: Well he only had three other batches: "Gorilla Panic", "They're coming! They're coming!" and something called "This Is Permanent"... Go on, spark it up!
- [from trailer]
- Ted: I met a girl; she's a cashier.
- John: No way! That's awesome! We should fuckin' double date or something, you, me and Lori and w-what's her name?
- Ted: White trash name. Guess.
- John: Mandy.
- Ted: Nope.
- John: Marilyn.
- Ted: Nope.
- John: Brittany?
- Ted: Nope.
- John: Tiffany.
- Ted: Nope.
- John: Candace.
- Ted: Nope.
- John: Don't fuck with me on this! I know this shit!
- Ted: Do you see me fuckin' with you? I'm completely serious.
- John: Alright, speed round. I'm gonna rattle off some names, and when I hit it, you fuckin' buzz it, okay? You got me?
- Ted: You do it. I will tell you. Yeah.
- John: Alright: Brandy, Heather, Channing, Brianna, Amber, Serena, Melody, Dakota, Sierra, Bambi, Crystal, Samantha, Autumn, Ruby, Taylor, Tara, Tammy, Lauren, Charlene, Chantelle, Courtney, Misty, Jenny, Krista, Mindy, Noel, Shelby, Trina, Reba, Cassandra, Nikki, Kelsey, Shawna, Jolene, Urleen, Claudia, Savannah, Casey, Dolly, Kendra, Kylie, Chloe, Devon, Emmalou, fuckin' *Becky*?
- Ted: No.
- John: Wait; was it any of those names with a "Lynn" after it?
- Ted: *Yes*.
- John: Oh, I got you, motherfucker! I got you!
- [Ted laughs]
- John: Okay. Brandi-Lynn, Heather-Lynn...
- Ted: Tami-Lynn.
- John: [Exasperated] *Fuck*!
- Ted: Oh look Johnny, if we're ever gonna get serious about openin' a restaurant we gotta start plannin' it now.
- John: Italian.
- Ted: Italian, yes.
- John: What's the special on Tuesdays?
- Ted: Eggplant parm.
- John: Chopped salad half price.
- Ted: And it's a non-restricted place.
- John: Yeah. Wait, whaddaya mean?
- Ted: Anybody can come.
- John: Of course.
- Ted: Jews are welcome.
- John: Well yeah, I mean why wouldn't they be?
- Ted: Exactly, that's what I'm saying.
- John: Yeah, but why even bring that up?
- Ted: You don't bring it up. You just let 'em in.
- John: So why mention it?
- Ted: No one will.
- John: So why are we talking about it?
- Ted: You're talkin' about it, I'm just sayin' let 'em in.
- John: Yeah, let 'em in.
- Ted: Exactly.
- John: Right.
- Ted: Good.
- John: Okay.
- Ted: No Mexicans, though.
- Lori: [Enters apartment and sees Ted and four hookers on the couch watching TV] Oh...
- Ted: Lori, hey, you're home early.
- Lori: What the hell is this?
- Ted: The ladies and I were just watching Jack and Jill, where Adam Sandler plays a guy and his sister, and it's, it's just awful. It's unwatchable, but y'know, they're hookers. So it's fine.
- Lori: This place is a wreck! Who are these girls?
- Ted: Oh, where are my manners? Lori, this is Angelique, Heavenly, Charene, and Sauvignon Blanc. I love you girls. Y'know, somewhere out there are four terrible fathers I wish I could thank for this great night!
- Lori: [Looks down on floor] What is that?
- Ted: Wha- what is what?
- Lori: There's a... a shit on my floor! In the corner, there is a shit!
- Ted: Oh, yeah, Yeah, we were playing Truth or Dare, and, uh, Charene was pretty ballsy.
- Lori: There is a shit on my floor!
- Ted: Well, or, or, is the floor on the shit? Is what Kierkegaard would say.
- John: [John pokes a lobster head from out the door] Rawr!
- Ted: Hahaha!
- John: Who lives here? I'm comin' to get who lives here! You owe me lobster money!
- Ted: Ahahaha! That's my buddy Johnny. Not the lobster, the guy runnin' it.
- John: [Enters the apartment] I found my phone. What's going on.
- [John suddenly looks down on the floor]
- John: Is that a shit?
- [Lori looks at John]
- [last lines as Ted and Sam Jones do a "flash jump" after John and Lori's wedding]
- Narrator: And that's the story of how one magical wish forever changed the lives of three very special friends.
- [footage of Ted and Tami-Lynn on their double date with John and Lori]
- Narrator: Ted and Tami-Lynn continued their torrid love affair for quite some time. One afternoon, Ted was caught behind the deli counter eating potato salad off of Tami- Lynn's bare bottom. He was instantly promoted to store manager.
- [footage of Sam Jones walking toward John at Ted's party]
- Narrator: Sam Jones moved back to Hollywood with the goal of restarting his film career. He currently resides in Burbank where he shares a studio apartment with his roommate, Brandon Routh.
- [photo of Brandon Routh as Superman from "Superman Returns"]
- Narrator: Remember Brandon Routh from that God-awful "Superman" movie? Jesus Christ! Thanks for getting our hopes up and taking a giant shit on us.
- [footage of Rex at the office]
- Narrator: Rex was forced to give up his pursuit of Lori. Not long afterward, he fell into a deep depression and died of Lou Gehrig's disease.
- [footage of Donny dancing in his living room]
- Narrator: Donny was arrested by Boston police and charged with kidnapping a plush toy. The charges were dropped when everyone realized how completely stupid that sounded.
- [footage of Robert in his bedroom]
- Narrator: Robert got a trainer, lost a substantial amount of weight, and went on to become...
- [photo of Taylor Lautner]
- Narrator: Taylor Lautner.
- [Ted drives John's car out of the car rental lot, nearly hitting another car in front of him]
- Driver: Asshole!
- Ted: That's my bad, I was sending a Tweet.
- John: Ted!
- Ted: I'm alive, Johnny!
- John: Oh, my God!
- Ted: I'm alive. Your magical wish worked!
- John: You're back!
- Ted: Yeah, I mean, when you sewed me up you put some of the stuffing in the wrong places, so I'm a little fucked up. But will you take care of me forever and ever?
- [starts laughing]
- Ted: I'm just kidding you. I thought it would be funny if you thought I was fucking retarded.
- John: You asshole!
- Ted: Come here, you bastard. Ha-ha! Ah!
- Lori: Welcome back, Ted.
- John: It was you. You did it.
- Ted: Son of a bitch! You wished for my life back.
- Lori: No. No, no. I wished for my life back.
- Ted: All right, kid, you win. We'll do it your way. What do you want to do? You want to play a game? It's playtime, right? We'll play a game.
- Robert: Yeah, I want to play a game.
- Ted: Good, good. Uh, all right. Let's see. How about... How about we play a little game of hide and seek?
- Robert: I love hide and seek. I'll hide.
- Ted: Wait now, hang on a sec, there. Your dad likes you to show good manners. Right, Tubby McFat-Fuck?
- Robert: Okay, you hide first.
- Ted: Great. Fantastic. Okay, now you count to a hundred, and then you try to find me, okay?
- Robert: Okay. Uh, do I need to wash my hands before I play this game?
- Ted: No. That's a weird fucking question. No, just start counting.
- [Norah Jones is in her dressing room preparing a drink when Ted and John arrive]
- Ted: Hey, play 'Chopsticks', you jazzy slut!
- Norah Jones: Teddy!
- Ted: Hahaha! How are you?
- Norah Jones: [Hugs Ted] How are you, you fuzzy asshole?
- Ted: Well, you know I'm not a hot half-Muslim chick who sold over 37 million records, but I'm hanging in there.
- Norah Jones: Well, half-Indian, but... thanks.
- Ted: Hey, whatever. Thanks for 9/11. Hey listen - I want you to meet a good pal of mine, all right? John Bennett, Norah Jones.
- John: [Approaches Norah to shake her hand] Hi, hi, Norah Jones.
- Norah Jones: Hey. Hey there, sweaty.
- [wipes hand on her dress]
- Norah Jones: Um, you ready to bring down the house?
- John: Yes, ma'am. Yeah, thank you for the opportunity. Miss... Ma'am Jones, I... thank you.
- Ted: Jesus, you look fantastic.
- Norah Jones: Well, you're probably not used to seeing me fully clothed.
- Ted: [laughs] Yeah, I know, right? You mean... me and Norah met in 2002 at a party at Belinda Carlisle's house. And we had awkward fuzzy sex in the coat room.
- Norah Jones: Actually, you weren't so bad for a guy with no penis.
- Ted: Yeah, you know, I've written so many angry letters to Hasbro about that.
- Sam J. Jones: We are gonna party like the '80s.
- Ted: Show us how, Flash.
- Sam J. Jones: It's easy. We just gotta nail a lot of girls named Stephanie.
- Ted: Oh Johnny, I got so much energy. We gotta start doing stupid shit.
- [John gets a phone call from Ted]
- John: Excuse me.
- [Walks out of the bar as he answers his phone]
- John: Hey, Ted.
- Ted: Johnny, where are you? You gotta get over here, man!
- John: Why? What's going on?
- Ted: Okay, so I'm having a little impromptu thing with some people at my apartment, and John, Sam Jones is here.
- John: What?
- Ted: Sam Jones, Flash Fucking Gordon is here.
- John: Holy shit! What?
- Ted: You remember I said my buddy's cousin is friends with Sam Jones? My buddy's in town with his cousin. And who do you think is with him? Sam Jones. Sam Jones is here. And John, his hair is parted down the middle.
- John: Just like in the movie.
- Ted: Yes. Get over here, right now.
- John: [Whispers] Fuck, I can't! I'm with Lori here. I'm already on probation. I just... I can't.
- Ted: John, Flash Gordon was the most important figure of our formative years. He taught us right from wrong, good from evil. And that the word 'acting' apparently has an extremely broad definition. Flash Gordon is the symbol of our friendship, John. Come share this with me.
- John: [Breathing heavily] I'm coming.
- [John runs back to the bar]
- John: Rex, I gotta go. Look, I'll be back in like 30 minutes, tops, okay? But Lori cannot find out. She absolutely cannot know I was gone. If you can cover for me, I'm cool with all that other shit.
- Rex: I got your back on this. She won't know. I've been there.
- John: Alright, this is one man to another. I don't really know you, but I'm trusting you as a man. This is serious.
- Rex: Dude, one man to another, I got you on this.
- John: Thank you. I'll be back.
- [John runs out to Lori's car]
- Rex: I'm gonna have sex with your girlfriend.
- Lori: So, Tami-Lynn, why don't you... tell us a little bit about yourself, like where you're from? I'm always fascinated to meet Ted's girlfriends.
- Tami-Lynn: What do you mean, 'girlfriends'?
- [Looking at Ted]
- Tami-Lynn: What's it, like a lot of 'em or somethin'?
- Ted: N-no, that's not what she meant at all. Right, Lori? You didn't mean that.
- Lori: No, what I meant to say was Ted's very handsome, so I'm always interested in meeting the ladies that can snatch him up.
- Tami-Lynn: [mad] Did you just call me a whore?
- Lori: [shocked] What?
- Tami-Lynn: You just worry about your own snatch. How about that, honey?
- Ted, John: Whoa!
- John: What the hell happened? We're having a friendly meal.
- Ted: Yeah, this was a nice evening.
- Tami-Lynn: Don't talk shit to me.
- Lori: I just asked you a question.
- Tami-Lynn: You know, you're a frickin' snob. You think you're all cool, 'cause you work at some fuckin' fancy shit place? Whatever.
- Ted: Take it easy.
- [Looks at Lori]
- Ted: Nice, Lori. Real nice.
- Lori: Me? It's not my fault she can't speak English.
- Tami-Lynn: [Gets up] Oh fuck you! Just 'cause you're on the business world and shit, you think what, everybody should suck your asshole or somethin'?
- Ted: [Grabs Tami-Lynn's hand to calm her down] Okay, all right. Tami-Lynn, come on, honey. Let's get out of here. We'll go back to my place for a couple of Vodka and Strawberry Quiks, all right? Come on.
- Tami-Lynn: You know what? I gave birth once, bitch! I can kick your fuckin' ass! And you better never should you show your face around Quincy, you hear me? Ever!
- Ted: Okay, okay, come on. Come on.
- [Ted and Tami-Lynn walk out of the restaurant]
- Ted: I didn't know you had a baby. Is it alive?
- [Norah Jones returns to the stage after an intermission]
- Norah Jones: Thank you. So I'm gonna give my chops a rest and bring a friend up to the stage. He's gonna sing a song to a special lady in the audience who he loves very much. Please, give a big hand... to John Bennett!
- [John enters the stage and waves at the crowd]
- Lori: Oh... my God.
- Rex: Holy... shit.
- [John attempts to shake Norah's hand, but she smacks his bottom on her way toward the piano. John approaches the microphone]
- Ted: I gotta fuck her again.
- John: Um, hiya. My name is John Bennett, and this is for Lori Collins, 'cause I love you. You know, this song reminds me of the most important night in my life... the night we met. Uh, this is the theme song from the movie Octopussy.
- [Norah plays the saxophone and piano to start the song]
- John: [singing off-key] All I wanted was a sweet distraction for an hour or two / Had no intention to do the things we've done...
- Ted: Still better than Katy Perry.
- John: [singing off-key] Funny how it always goes with love, when you don't look, you find / But then we're two of a kind /
- [raises voice]
- John: We move as one / We're an all-time high...
- Rex: You suck! Get off the stage - Oh, c'mon, give him a chance!
- [Crowd boos John as he continues to sing]
- Angry fan: You're an asshole!
- [Angry fan jumps off the guard rail and runs toward John, but John knocks him out with the microphone stand, sending him crashing off the stage]
- Norah Jones: Oh Jesus!
- [Security escorts John off the stage as other personnel surround the injured fan]
- [Sam pours tequila shots and hands them to John and Ted]
- John: Thanks, Flash.
- Sam J. Jones: There you go, my friend.
- Ted: Thank you.
- Sam J. Jones: [Offering a toast] Death to Ming!
- John: Haha!
- Ted: Yes!
- [the trio down their shots]
- Sam J. Jones: Oh, you guys seem pretty cool. You like to party?
- [Rubs nose]
- Sam J. Jones: [Blank stare at John and Ted's faces before they look at each other]
- Ted: Uh, cocaine, right?
- Sam J. Jones: Come on, dudes! Don't tell me you've never done it before.
- John: Well, uh, well not recently, no.
- Ted: I thought that was just for people in Florida.
- Sam J. Jones: You better follow me. Come on.
- [Sam walks away]
- Ted: Johnny, I'm frightened.
- Johnny Carson: Hello, Teddy.
- [shakes Ted's hand and chuckles]
- Johnny Carson: You... you are a... You surprise me. I... For some reason I thought you were going to be taller.
- Young Ted: I thought you were going to be funnier.
- Ted: [Finishing ringing up a customer at his check-out line] There we go. Thank you very much. Please come again. We have a lot more groceries.
- [Ted turns around and sits down. He notices Tami-Lynn on the other end of the check-out counter]
- Ted: Hey, uh, hey Ellen.
- Ellen: Yeah?
- Ted: Who's that over there?
- Ellen: [Turns around to see Tami-Lynn before turning back to Ted] Oh, that's the new check-out girl. Don't know her name, seems cute.
- Ted: Yeah, very cute. Do you know what I'd like to do to her? Something I call a Dirty Fozzie.
- [Ted gets up on his counter and waves at Tami-Lynn, who smiles and waves back at him. They blow kisses at each other. He dry-humps the credit card machine, making her giggle. He then simulates oral sex with a Snickers bar, making her laugh further. Ted then squirts bottles of lotion on his face to simulate bukkake, causing her to stare blankly at him]
- Ted: Okay, all right, so that's where we'll draw the line.
- Ted: [sigh] Look, John... loves you very much. More than anything in the world, and he's... fallin' to fuckin' pieces without ya. Y'know, he knows he screwed up huge, but, you gotta believe me: it wasn't all his fault... Alright? I told him to bale on you, that night at Rex's. And he said, "No."... He said, "No." He was gonna stay there with you, and I twisted his arm, Lori... I promise, I will leave and I will never come back. Alright? He'll be all yours.
- Lori: Ted, that's a really nice offer, but I don't want you to do that... This is between John and me, and... I don't think it can be fixed...
- Ted: Yeah, because o' me! Look, look, Lori, you want him to be a man... Alright? But, as long as he's got his teddy bear... he's always gonna be a boy... He's waitin' down at Charlie's right now. So, if you go down there, and just talk to him... I'll be gone when you get back... forever. And... you'll see... He'll never be scared of thunder again.
- Guy: You guys have been going out for four years? My longest relationship was like six months and then she farted in her sleep. I'm like, "I'm out of here, man". I was gone before she woke up.
- [Rex escorts John to the second floor of his house, showing off all of his expensive memorabilia]
- Rex: This is Wade Boggs' autographed bat. I just barely outbid Phil Donahue for that at an auction.
- John: Wow, cool.
- Rex: Yeah, cool.
- [Pointing at boxing gloves on display]
- Rex: These boxing gloves worn by Joe Louis in his first fight.
- [Stops and points at abstract painting]
- Rex: This is art. Get it?
- [John shrugs]
- Rex: [Pointing at glasses on display] These were John Lennon's glasses. They're worth like a million dollars.
- [pointing at a photo frame]
- Rex: That's me and Tom Skerritt. Oh, check this out.
- [They stop in front of a display]
- Rex: This is Lance Armstrong's nut. I had it freeze-dried and bronzed. Every now and then, when life's getting me down and things are tough, I just come up here... and look at that. It reminds me that... things aren't so bad.
- John: Sometimes you feel like a nut.
- Rex: [Looks at John] Sometimes you don't.
- [They both walk to the bar]
- Rex: So, talk to me, Jonny Quest, how are things with you and Lori?
- John: You know, things are great, actually.
- Rex: Oh that's great. That is great.
- John: You know, uh, Lori would hate me for saying this, but, she told me how you are at the office. And as one gentleman to another, I just wanna say I really hope you fucking get Lou Gehrig's disease.
- Rex: [Giggles] Well, uh, let me, uh, let me get to clear the air a little. I mean, yeah, I'm kind of a fun time boss and whatnot. But look, man, I do that with everyone at the office. I'm a kook. I have no desires on your girlfriend. We work together, and that's it. You know, I think you're a great guy, and she's a very lucky girl.
- John: Well that's good to hear.
- Rex: Yeah.
- Donny: You know Ted, when I was a little boy, I saw you on television. And I thought you were the most amazing, most wonderful thing I'd ever seen, ever. And I asked my dad if I could have a magically little teddy bear, too. And he said, "No."
- Ted: Can you just email me the rest of this story?
- Donny: And I was so heartbroken. And I promised myself that if I ever had a son, I would never, ever, ever say no to him. Ever.
- Ted: Maybe "no" to a Snickers bar every once in a while wouldn't hurt.
- Donny: Excuse me. I'm sorry to bother you, but uh, my-my son and I couldn't help but admire your teddy bear.
- John: Oh. Oh, thank you.
- Ted: Thanks.
- Donny: Yeah. I-I'm Donny, this is Robert. I, uh... I have to say, I've been following you ever since I was a young boy and, uh... and I remember seeing you on the Carson show. You were just wonderful.
- Ted: Oh, yeah, that was uh... that was a weird interview. Ed thought I was ALF, and he kept muttering anti-Semitic comments.
- Donny: Hey-hey um...
- Ted: He thought ALF was Jewish for some reason.
- Donny: Have you ever considered selling the bear?
- John: What?
- Ted: Excuse me?
- Robert: I want it.
- Ted: [defensively] Hey, I'm not an "it", pal. I'm a "he", all right?
- John: [stammers and stands up while speaking in a calm tone] I'm sorry, little guy, but my bear isn't for sale. See, I've- I've had him since I was about your age. He's very, very special to me.
- Robert: Stand up straight when you're talking to me.
- John: Why the fuck would he say that?
- Donny: Sorry, you know, you really shouldn't swear in front of children. Uh... Look, we're very interested in the bear. If- if you want to make some sort of arrangement, here's my address and phone number. And uh... you can call me any time, okay?
- John: Will do. Look. Here it goes, in the really important pocket for really important stuff. Okay? Okay.
- Donny: Okay.
- John: See you later.
- Donny: Hey. Come on, Robert.
- Ted: Take it easy.
- John: Plus! A hooker took a shit in our apartment!
- [Flashback to earlier]
- Lori: OH GOD!
- John: WHAT?
- Lori: This is so gross!
- John: Did you get it yet?
- Lori: NO! I didn't get it yet!
- John: Tell me when you get it!
- Lori: OH MY GOD! I got some of it on my thumb!
- John: NO! You will never be able to cook with that thumb again!
- Lori: OH MY GOD! This is the most disgusting thing ever!
- John: NO! Get it away from me!
- Sam J. Jones: We are gonna party like the 80s.
- Ted: Show us how, Flash!
- Sam J. Jones: Easy. We just gonna nail a lot of girls named Stephanie.