- Ron Swanson: Just give me all the bacon and eggs you have. Wait, wait. I'm worried what you just heard was, "Give me a lot of bacon and eggs." What I said was, "Give me all the bacon and eggs you have." Do you understand?
- Ann Perkins: Leslie found a pink razor and a pink swimming cap in your shower, whose is it?
- Chris Traeger: I guess you're talking about my razor; I shave my legs for swimming and women's razors work better. For whatever reason, men's razor technology hasn't figured out to properly contour the shinbone.
- Ann Perkins: And... and the swimming cap?
- Chris Traeger: Indiana Breast Cancer Awareness Triathlon, 2009. Came in fourth.
- Leslie Knope: Well, I found concealer in your medicine cabinet. What's that about?
- Chris Traeger: I'm a human being. Sometimes I get blemishes. I'm not perfect.
- Ann Perkins: Oh God... I'm so sorry, honey. I'm so embarrassed. I was scared that you were cheating on me!
- Chris Traeger: No, I'm not cheating on you. But I'm also not dating you; we broke up last week.
- Leslie Knope: Yeah, so here's what happened: sweet and beautiful Ann has never been dumped before, and Chris is such a positive person; when he broke up with her, she just didn't realize it. It's kind of understandable. Although it does kind of make you wonder how good of a nurse she is.
- Leslie Knope: One time, when I was in high school, a guy's mom called me and broke up with me for him.
- Leslie Knope: There was another time where I was on a date, and I tripped and broke my kneecap, and then the guy said he wasn't "feelin it", so he left and I waited for an ambulance.
- Leslie Knope: One time I was dating this guy for awhile, and he got down on one knee and he begged me to never call him again.
- Leslie Knope: One guy broke up with me while we were in the shower together.
- Leslie Knope: Skywriting isn't always positive.
- Leslie Knope: Another time, a guy invited me to a beautiful picnic, with wine and flowers, and then when I tried to sit down, he said "Don't eat anything, Rebecca's coming." And then he broke up with me.
- Ann Perkins: Who was Rebecca?
- Leslie Knope: Yeah, exactly.
- Leslie Knope: Ann's in kind of a crappy mood because Chris dumped her.
- Ben Wyatt: Oh yeah, like a week ago, right?
- Ann Perkins: Yeah, but I only knew about it an *hour* ago.
- Ben Wyatt: Oh, so that's why you tried to kiss him! We were all seriously confused about that.
- Ann Perkins: Who's "we"? Oh, my God.