- Dr. Spaceman: [Enters as Angie groans] Good morning! Now, full disclosure: most of my experience is putting babies *in* women.
- Angie Jordan: [Furious that Tracy is absent] I'm gonna kill that man!
- Dr. Spaceman: You've just described my morning! Now, Mrs. Jordan: I've already administered the epidural, so... would you like one as well?
- Jenna Maroney: Do you remember my tattoo mishap? It was supposed to say 'Peace' but they wrote 'White Hooker' instead.
- Jack Donaghy: My son. You may not remember me. I am your father. This message is coming to you either from beyond the grave or because I am in the grip of insanity. The purpose of these DVDs is to educate and guide you through life in my absence. I will begin with our shared history. The Donaghys originally come from Ireland's little-known County Steve, where, historically, we were whiskey testers and goblins. I was raised in Sadchester, Massachusetts. I won the Amory Blaine Handsomeness Scholarship to Princeton, and then attended Harvard Business School, where I was voted "Most. " I once hit a stand-up triple off Fidel Castro. I was the first person ever to say, "I need a vacation from this vacation. " The song "You're So Vain" was, in fact, written by me. In other words, I have lived. In living, I have learned. And now I want to impart that knowledge to you. I will begin with the basics. You are hiking in the Japanese highlands. A pair of snow leopards is stalking you, and the blade of your katana is frosted into its scabbard...
- Jack Donaghy: My daughter. I am John Francis Donaghy. I am your father. If you have the blondeness and self-esteem of your mother, you will need no advice. Life will be easy for you. Otherwise, I'd like to introduce you to Elizabeth Lemon.
- Liz Lemon: Good afternoon. Let's jump in. Every human has hair on his or her face, some of us just have more. I think it's nice to occasionally splurge on a straight-razor shave. If you're running low on laundry, a bathing suit makes perfectly acceptable underwear. Bandanas are a fun, sexy fashion accessory...
- Jack Donaghy: This is over.
- Liz Lemon: Let me give my reasons.
- [as Jack reaches to turn off camera]
- Liz Lemon: Put potato chips on a sandwich!
- Pete Hornberger: Are you kidding me? If you do, he'll take it out on "TGS," on us! I'll be here waiting for edits till 4:00 in the morning when I should be at Home which is the name of a bar I found near the train station! I'm sorry, you want me to just take this for the team? Please. You know he can make our lives a living hell.
- Jenna Maroney: We all make sacrifices, Liz. I had to be at work this morning at 11:00!
- Kenneth Parcell: Hello, Parcell and a squatter's residence.
- Angie Jordan: Where the hell is Tracy Jordan?
- Kenneth Parcell: Mrs. Jordan?
- Angie Jordan: I'm out of my mind on a lot of drugs right now!
- Kenneth Parcell: Drugs during childbirth? Isn't the whole point feeling God punish you?
- Ben Bailey: [Tracy is riding in the Cash Cab, answering trivia questions] Weighing up to four tons, what kind of mammal is the famous Shamu?
- Tracy Jordan: *She* is an orca, Benjamin. FYI, they're very difficult to keep in a home aquarium.
- Jack Donaghy: I'm not going to be around forever, Tracy, so I recorded advice for every scenario my son could face.
- Tracy Jordan: Jackie D. You want to make God laugh, make a plan. Or read him a Dave Barry book.