- Philip J. Fry: All in all, I've led a full life. Let's say the three of us grab a six-pack and watch the universe end?
- Prof. Hubert J. Farnsworth: Hear, hear!
- Bender: That's basically what I do every day.
- Prof. Hubert J. Farnsworth: The stars are receding. Oh, the vast emptiness!
- [Shakes empty beer can in front of Bender]
- Bender: Yeah, yeah. I can take a hint.
- Bender: Man, the future's a total craphole, and whoever lives here is a crap-faced sack of crap!
- [to people at the camp next to them]
- Bender: No offense, fellas.
- Year 10,000 Man: Don't sweat it, man.
- Philip J. Fry: I'm getting another beer.
- [Bends down to get a beer from Bender's chest compartment]
- Bender: Fry, hurry up! You're missing the dinosaurs!
- Philip J. Fry: Relax, they're not going anywhere.
- [Gets up]
- Philip J. Fry: Where'd they go?
- Philip J. Fry: Hey, look. The first fish to crawl up on land.
- Bender: [Steps on fish] He was coming right at us! You all saw it!
- Prof. Hubert J. Farnsworth: Just slow it down. I'll just shoot Hitler out the window.
- [Shoots]
- Prof. Hubert J. Farnsworth: Darn! I hit Eleanor Roosevelt by mistake.
- Prof. Hubert J. Farnsworth: Behold! A time traveling machine!
- [Fry and Bender gasp]
- Bender: Time? I can't go back there!
- Prof. Hubert J. Farnsworth: Ah, but this time machine only goes forward in time. That way you can't accidentally change history, or do something disgusting like sleep with your own grandmother.
- Philip J. Fry: I wouldn't want to do that again.
- Prof. Hubert J. Farnsworth: Yoohoo, boys! What's this era in human history like?
- Man in the Year 10 Million: The machines. We built them to make our lives easier, but they rebelled. They won't stop until every human is dead!
- Bender: This seems like a nice future. Let's just stay here. We can settle down on that mountain of skulls.
- [Farnsworth starts the machine, they travel]
- Bender: Hey! That place had a gorgeous view of Blood Lake.
- Prof. Hubert J. Farnsworth: The last proton should be decaying about now.
- Philip J. Fry: Bye, last proton.
- Prof. Hubert J. Farnsworth: And here we are. The end of the universe.
- [pause]
- Philip J. Fry: Well, now what? You guys want to talk?
- Bender: No, thanks.
- Elzar: Say, weren't you the loser who got stood up at my other restaurant?
- Turanga Leela: Just shut up and bring me two dinners.
- Philip J. Fry: So, what was the purpose of life anyway?
- Prof. Hubert J. Farnsworth: Who knows? Probably some hogwash about the human spirit.
- Bender: Mmm-hmm.
- Philip J. Fry: Sounds about right.
- Year Fifty Million Woman #1: Greetings, time travelers.
- Bender: Stupid jerks won't let me stay in the good future.
- Prof. Hubert J. Farnsworth: How did you know we were time travelers?
- Year Fifty Million Woman #2: We too have studied the time travel enigma.
- Year Fifty Million Woman #3: We have perfected a method that uses negative mass neutrino fields that allow us to travel backwards in time.
- Prof. Hubert J. Farnsworth: My name's Hubert.
- Philip J. Fry: All right! We can go home!
- Bender: [Mocking Fry] Nyah-nyah, we can go...
- [Razzberry]
- Year Fifty Million Woman #1: We can talk about our research tomorrow. Men are rare in our society. Even very old and stupid males are priced. Tonight, please be our guests of honor in a fertility banquet.
- Prof. Hubert J. Farnsworth: Well, there certainly is no harm in a fertility banquet.
- Philip J. Fry: I can eat, and fertilize.
- Year Fifty Million Woman #1: Very well. Anoint our guests in oil without using our hands.
- Bender: Oh, so we can stay in the future you like, but not the future I like? Next!
- [Benders starts up the time machine again and they leave the year 50 Million]
- Prof. Hubert J. Farnsworth: No! I was about to close the deal!
- Philip J. Fry: Bender, they had a backwards time machine!
- Bender: The other place had a lot of nice things too. Did you even see that mountain of skulls?
- Prof. Hubert J. Farnsworth: Why you...
- [Slaps Bender very weakly]
- Bender: Oh no you didn't!
- [They fight]
- Philip J. Fry: Please, let me make it up to you. I'll treat you to a fancy birthday dinner tonight at Cavern on the Green.
- Turanga Leela: Wow, that'll be the nicest place I've ever been stood up.
- Philip J. Fry: Not this time. No matter what happens, I swear I'll be there.
- Bender: Guys, guys! Hedonismbot is finally settling down and marrying a nice house in the suburbs, but tonight, he's having the girls-gone-wildest bachelor party of all time!
- Philip J. Fry: Whoo-hoo... who cares! I'm having dinner with Leela
- Turanga Leela: Just go to your stupid party. We can have dinner on my birthday some other year.
- Philip J. Fry: No. I can throw up on a stripper anytime. Tonight, I want to not throw up, on you.
- Turanga Leela: Really?
- Bender: Your loss. Hey, Professor! You're my wingman.
- Prof. Hubert J. Farnsworth: Very well. Eh, Cubert, fetch my drinking teeth.
- Philip J. Fry: Stop. Somewhere, sometime, Leela's waiting for me.
- Prof. Hubert J. Farnsworth: Fry's right.
- Bender: Yes, we have to work together, and not have this fight I was definitely winning.
- Philip J. Fry: I just need to sign Leela's birthday card. How do you spell XO?
- Amy Wong: Guh, it's a record-your-own-message card. You don't sign it, you leave a nude video greeting.
- Philip J. Fry: Does it have to be nude?
- Amy Wong: I guess not. That never occured to me.
- Philip J. Fry: [Sees the ruins of the Statue of Liberty] No! They did it! They blew it up!
- [Camera pans to ape version of Statue of Liberty]
- Philip J. Fry: And then the apes blew up their society! How could this have happened?
- [camera pans to other Statues of Liberty]
- Philip J. Fry: And then the birds took over and ruined their society! And then the cows, and then... I don't know, is that a slug, maybe? Noooo!
- Dr. Zoidberg: The three co-workers I knew are now dead!
- Turanga Leela: Fry stood me up to go to that party, and now he's dead? I'm so angry! Yet also sad. But I'm still angry, yet also sad! Can I be both?
- Hermes Conrad: It's what we would have wanted.
- Turanga Leela: Then that's what I am!
- Turanga Leela: [Kicks TV] Hi-yah-wah-ha-ha!
- Prof. Hubert J. Farnsworth: The year One Billion. I have a feeling this is exactly the point in time we've been looking for.
- [They step out; the earth is scorched and desolate]
- Prof. Hubert J. Farnsworth: Nope.
- [Scans around with a device that beeps and displays an X]
- Prof. Hubert J. Farnsworth: In fact, all life is extinct.
- [Bender chuckles]
- Philip J. Fry: So, let's keep going forward.
- Prof. Hubert J. Farnsworth: Oh, it's no use. The Earth is dead. It's the end of all things.
- Prof. Hubert J. Farnsworth: My God, is it possible?
- Philip J. Fry: It must be possible, it's happening. By the way, what's happening?
- Fry: [recording a record-your-own-message birthday card for Leela] Happy birthday, Leela! I'm really sorry I'm gonna be one minute late, because we're testing the Professor's dumb time machine. But, well, happy birthday and all, and, I love you.
- Fry: [the Professor accidentally moves the switch which makes him, Fry and Bender go deep forward in time. Fry loses his card] Ah, my card!