- Kurt Hummel: Let's play a game! On the count of 3, we'll all say our favorite 2010 Vogue cover! 1... 2... 3!
- Kurt Hummel, Blaine Anderson: MARION COTILLARD!
- Blaine Anderson: Oh my god, yes!
- Kurt Hummel: Yes!
- Blaine Anderson: Yes yes yes! She's amazing!
- Kurt Hummel: Amazing!
- Will Schuester: So, Figgins is sick. How does that make you principal?
- Sue Sylvester: Well, through the blackmail of prominent local politicians, I strong-armed some extraordinarily broad clauses into my contract. My first order of business? Destroy the Glee Club.
- Will Schuester: I... I thought we were friends.
- Sue Sylvester: That got boring.
- Kurt Hummel: I'm shaking, and it's either from low blood sugar or rage. I knew it was only a matter of time before Rachel tried to take over the Glee Club.
- [flashback]
- Rachel Berry: [writing "ME" on the whiteboard] Class, in Mr. Schuester's absence, I'd like to go around and ask everyone what solos they'd like to hear me perform at sectionals.
- Santana Lopez: [as the other kids restrain her] All right, you know what? Let me at her!
- Finn Hudson: Dude, what are you doing?
- Noah 'Puck' Puckerman: Kurt got us a substitute, so I'm buttering the floor.
- [Kurt is talking to Mercedes at their cafeteria table]
- Kurt Hummel: Mercedes, trust me. Love is just around the corner.
- [Karofsky walks by]
- Dave Karofsky: 'Sup, homo?
- [Karofsky winks at Kurt]
- Will Schuester: Morning, Sue.
- Sue Sylvester: Oh, I'm gonna stop you right there. That's "Principal Sue".
- Will Schuester: What?
- Sue Sylvester: Oh, you heard me right. My years-long quest for power has finally bore fruit.
- Will Schuester: What happened to Figgins?
- Sue Sylvester: Well, you need to start listening to the news, William. A particularly virulent strain of monkey flu has arrived in Ohio from Borneo, where it had been festering in a small clutch of loud, bisexual primates, not unlike your very Glee Club.
- Will Schuester: [voiceover, as he tries to teach] Just one of the perks of being a high school teacher: constant exposure to illness.
- Terri Schuester: I'm probably revealing too much, but I do still love you. And you have to admit, no matter how toxic our marriage was, I was really good at taking care of you when you were sick.
- Will Schuester: That's because you like me best when I'm weak.
- Terri Schuester: Maybe. I mean, that's what my therapist says.
- Rachel Berry: Did I hear something about a substitute?
- [she slips on the patch of floor Puck has buttered]
- Noah 'Puck' Puckerman: Yes! It works!
- Rachel Berry: [standing and composing herself] Well, at least I didn't fall and break my talent. I'm fine.
- Holly Holliday: Rachel, I used to be just like you, trying to get everything so right, hanging on so tight.
- Rachel Berry: What happened?
- Holly Holliday: I got punched in the face.
- Will Schuester: You're a substitute. Of course you can let the kids do whatever they want. You never have to deal with the hangover of all that fun.
- Holly Holliday: 16% of all high school students dropped out last year. We can't just expect them to sit up and pay attention. These kids feel special. They have a voice, and if we don't listen to it, they just tune us out.
- Will Schuester: I give my kids a voice. I just don't let them run it free. I'm a teacher. It's my job to know more than they do.
- Holly Holliday: Right, you don't know about what they care about the most - themselves. These kids get bored, they change their facebook status. They're entitled to have all of these emotions, and not only that, they're entitled to have the world care about them, that is what the generation is about.
- Will Schuester: A great teacher is supposed to show them there are other points of view besides their own.
- Mercedes Jones: Where do you think you're going with those?
- Santana Lopez: Principal Sue banned the tots.
- Mercedes Jones: She can't do that!
- Brittany S. Pierce: They look liked deep-fried deer poop.
- Sue Sylvester: Nutrition is abysmal at this school.
- [holding up a crown of broccoli]
- Sue Sylvester: You know what this is?
- Mercedes Jones: Toilet brush.
- Sue Sylvester: It's broccoli. When I showed this to Brittany earlier, she began to whimper, thinking I had cut down a small tree where a family of gummy bears lived. I am declaring a war on junk food.
- Holly Holliday: Hey, Rachel.
- Rachel Berry: Hello, Ms. Holliday. I'd like you to know that I have a very severe bruise on my right buttock from your game of gangsta rap musical chairs. I'll be going on record with the school nurse later today.
- Holly Holliday: Rachel, you suck. Oh, my god, you're like a total drag. Has anyone ever told you that?
- Noah 'Puck' Puckerman: [passing by] I have.
- Holly Holliday: Oh, Puckerman, here are the answers to the pop quiz I'll be giving in Spanish class later. It is *so* boring in there.
- Holly Holliday: I'm a terrible teacher.
- [before Will can say anything]
- Holly Holliday: Don't argue with me. I know I am. Today... Mercedes got in trouble for shoving tots up Sue Sylvester's tailpipe, and we were sitting in Sue's office, and Mercedes was looking at me like...
- [she pantomimes a look]
- Holly Holliday: ...and I just... was totally lost.
- Will Schuester: What did... what did Sue do to her?
- Holly Holliday: Whatever. I don't know. She, like, suspended her or whatever. Oh! See? God, I do that every time. As soon as things get serious, I retreat. God, I... I didn't used to be like this, you know? I... I... I was... more like you.
- Holly Holliday: [narrating over flashbacks] Spaulding High School, ten years ago.
- Holly Holliday: Good morning, class.
- Holly Holliday: [v.o] I was subbing for a math teacher.
- Holly Holliday: The syllabus says that you're on algorithms, so let's start with some easy ones.
- Cameo: Let's start with you kissing my ass!
- Holly Holliday: [v.o] Her name was Cameo. She was like an attractive Biggie Smalls.
- Holly Holliday: Okay, Ms...
- Cameo: Cameo.
- Holly Holliday: Ms. Cameo, do you find that algorithms are hard for you to understand?
- Cameo: Do you find my fist hard to understand?
- Holly Holliday: I have some really great tricks that make them very easy to learn.
- Cameo: Tricks? What are you, some type of magician subsitute?
- [getting out of her seat]
- Cameo: I'm a Christian, and that devil magic stuff offends me!
- Holly Holliday: [flinching as she gets punched] Cameo!
- [return to real time in Will's apartment]
- Holly Holliday: I woke up in an empty classroom. They'd stolen my Air Jordans. From that moment, I realized I got to keep things moving, I got to keep it mellow and fun.
- Will Schuester: Yeah, to keep from getting your butt kicked.
- Holly Holliday: And I do, in all ways. I never sign more than a month-to-month lease. I only eat off paper plates. I *live* on one-night stands. Last year a guy asked me to marry him; I moved.
- Will Schuester: What are you doing here? You should've called.
- Terri Schuester: I brought you some more soup.
- [babbling like a baby]
- Terri Schuester: But I guess baby's feeling a lot better if he's healthy enough to have a beer with a friend!
- Holly Holliday: No, no. Hi. I'm... I'm Holly Holliday.
- Terri Schuester: Are you a porn star or a drag queen? I'm Terri Schuester, Will's wife.
- Holly Holliday: Wow. Your wife's kind of a bitch.
- Will Schuester: She's my ex-wife. And I have no idea what she's doing here.
- Sue Sylvester: Hey, buddy, you look terrible. You should be home in bed. There's no reason for you to be here.
- Will Schuester: Well, the kids need me.
- Sue Sylvester: No, literally, there's no reason for you to be here. The kids prefer the substitute, and so do I. I got to be honest with you, Will. A lot of it's the hair thing. In fact, right now, I'm tempted to sell your scalp on the black market as a tiny, full-length shearling coat for only the most fashionable of premature babies.
- Will Schuester: Oh... I long for the day when Figgins gets better and comes back.
- Sue Sylvester: Well, that's not gonna happen. The school board has been just flooded with e-mails from parents thrilled with my tough stance on healthy teen lunches. Figgins has been fired, and I've been formally offered the position. So why don't you go home, rest, watch some TV, die. It doesn't matter; 'cause you know what? As my first official act as full-time principal, you are fired.
- Will Schuester: So, I guess this is where I grovel to try to get my job back.
- Sue Sylvester: No groveling necessary, William. I'm returning you to your position. You know, one of the marks of a successful leader is appointing trusted lieutenants, and Ms. Holliday was clearly not up to the job. You irritate me, William. You make the underflaps of my breasts burn, like when I used to rub them with poison sumac. But your kids sure love you, as evinced by the amount of treacly blubbering I had to sit through.
- [cut to a montage of students in Sue's office]
- Finn Hudson: Mr. Schue's the only teacher at this school who asks you how you're doing and actually wants to hear an answer.
- Noah 'Puck' Puckerman: Mr. Schue's the only teacher at this school that ever really touched me. Besides Mr. Ryerson.
- Sam Evans: He taught me how to tie my shoelaces.
- Rachel Berry: I used to think that I was the best thing that happened to this school, but... I was wrong. Mr. Schuester is.
- Brittany S. Pierce: Mr. Schue taught me the second half of the alphabet. I stopped after "M" and "N". I felt they were too similar and got frustrated.