Simon Helberg: Howard Wolowitz

The Lunar Excitation

Howard Wolowitz

[last lines]
Sheldon Cooper: In a few minutes when I gloat over the failure of this enterprise, how would you prefer I do it? The standard "I told you so" with the classic neener-neener, or just my normal look of haughty derision?
[makes a face]
Raj Koothrappali: You don't know we're wrong yet.
Sheldon Cooper: Haughty derision it is.
[makes the same face again]
Amy Farrah Fowler: Excuse me. I'm Amy Farrah Fowler, you're Sheldon Cooper.
Sheldon Cooper: Hello, Amy Farrah Fowler. I'm sorry to inform you that you have been taken in by unsupportable mathematics designed to prey on the gullible and the lonely. Additionally, I'm being blackmailed with a hidden dirty sock.
Amy Farrah Fowler: If that was slang, I'm unfamiliar with it. If it was literal, I share your aversion to soiled hosiery. In any case, I'm here because my mother and I have agreed that I will date at least once a year.
Sheldon Cooper: Interesting. My mother and I have the same agreement about church.
Amy Farrah Fowler: I don't object to the concept of a deity, but I'm baffled by the notion of one that takes attendance.
Sheldon Cooper: Well then, you might want to avoid East Texas.
Amy Farrah Fowler: Noted. Now before this goes any further, you should know that all forms of physical contact, up to and including coitus, are off the table.
Sheldon Cooper: May I buy you a beverage?
Amy Farrah Fowler: Tepid water, please.
[Sheldon and Amy walk over to the counter]
Howard Wolowitz: [to Raj] Good God, what have we done?

Raj Koothrappali: Holy crap!
Howard Wolowitz: What?
Raj Koothrappali: We finally have proof that aliens walk among us!
Howard Wolowitz: Excuse me?
Raj Koothrappali: The dating site matched a woman with *Sheldon*.
Howard Wolowitz: You're kidding, an actual woman?
Raj Koothrappali: Yeah, look... breasts and everything.
Howard Wolowitz: Trust me, breasts doesn't necessarily mean woman.
Raj Koothrappali: Since when?
Howard Wolowitz: I'll show you a picture of my Uncle Louie in a bathing suit sometime.
[shudders]
Howard Wolowitz: Leonard, you gotta see this! We found a match for Sheldon!
Leonard Hofstadter: Great. Maybe she can have sex with him and then walk out on him the next morning without so much as a "How do you dooo?"
Raj Koothrappali: Do you know what he's talking about?
Howard Wolowitz: Nope. Why don't you ask him?
Raj Koothrappali: Leonard, what are you talking about?
Leonard Hofstadter: I don't wanna talk about it.
Raj Koothrappali: That was a lousy suggestion.
Howard Wolowitz: Whatever.
[grabs the laptop from Raj]
Howard Wolowitz: Right now, Doctor Sheldon Cooper has to send an email to his perfect match.
[starts typing]
Howard Wolowitz: "Greetings fellow life form..."

Sheldon Cooper: But for the record, I only drink hot chocolate in months with an R in them.
Howard Wolowitz: Why?
Sheldon Cooper: What's life without whimsy.

Raj Koothrappali: I'm telling you, dude, the only way to feel better about Penny going out with other guys is for you to get back on the whores.
Howard Wolowitz: Horse.
Raj Koothrappali: What?
Howard Wolowitz: The phrase is get back on the horse. Not 'whores'.
Raj Koothrappali: That's disgusting, dude.
Howard Wolowitz: No, it's not... de, uh, never mind.

[first lines]
Leonard Hofstadter: OK, we've got power to the laser.
Sheldon Cooper: I should have brought an umbrella.
Leonard Hofstadter: What for? It's not going to rain.
Sheldon Cooper: I know that, but with skin as fair as mine, moonburn is a real possibility.
Howard Wolowitz: That's a bazinga, right?
Sheldon Cooper: One of my best, don't you think?

Leonard Hofstadter: She didn't dump me. We were just in different places in the relationship.
Sheldon Cooper: I fail to see how a relationship can have the qualities of a geographic location.
Howard Wolowitz: Well, it's very simple. Leonard was living in a little town called Please Don't Leave Me, while Penny had just moved to the island of Buh-Bye.

[Howard and Raj are trying to convince Sheldon to meet Amy]
Howard Wolowitz: Come on, where's your scientific curiosity?
Sheldon Cooper: Well, most of it is being applied to unraveling secrets of the universe, while the rest of it's wondering why I'm having this conversation with you.

Howard Wolowitz: Billions of dollars have gone into inventing the Internet and filling it with pictures of naked women so we don't have to peep through windows.