- Alex Dunphy: Ugh! I can't believe it. I got a "B" on my paper.
- Phil Dunphy: Good for you.
- Claire Dunphy: Yeah.
- Alex Dunphy: No, it would be good for *you*. It's terrible for *me*! Thanks to your moldy encyclopedias, my take on mitosis was completely out of date. They don't even call it "protoplasm" anymore. It's "cytoplasm".
- Claire Dunphy: Well, you could have asked one of us.
- Alex Dunphy: Now you're making jokes?
- Claire Dunphy: I'm not making a joke.
- Alex Dunphy: Really? What's the difference between a gamete and a zygote?
- [pause]
- Phil Dunphy: Don't fall for it, Claire. She's just making up words.
- Gloria Delgado-Pritchett: You really think I would kill a dog?
- Jay Pritchett: Well, what was I supposed to think?
- Gloria Delgado-Pritchett: I don't know, how about - I didn't kill a dog?
- Jay Pritchett: Just tell me what you did with it.
- Gloria Delgado-Pritchett: He's in a better place.
- Jay Pritchett: That's what people say when something's dead.
- Gloria Delgado-Pritchett: Okay, fine. I took him to a farm where he has plenty of room to run.
- Jay Pritchett: That's the second thing people say when something's dead.
- Gloria Delgado-Pritchett: [Pulls up picture on her phone] My hairdresser's brother has three kids. They live in the country. They were so happy to have the dog that they gave me a jar of pickles. Is that also what they say when something is dead?
- Jay Pritchett: Gloria's grandfather and uncles were butchers, so she's always had a certain comfort level when it comes to... killing. One time, we had this rat.
- [Flashback]
- Gloria Delgado-Pritchett: [Swinging a shovel] What? First you smash it, then you cut the head off.
- [Splatters]
- Jay Pritchett: It was like nothing to her.
- Gloria Delgado-Pritchett: I go to church now.
- Jay Pritchett: She left the head out there to send a message to the other rats.
- Phil Dunphy: Hey!
- Claire Dunphy: Hi, honey. How was your day at work?
- Phil Dunphy: Amazing.
- Claire Dunphy: Great. What happened?
- Phil Dunphy: Instead of wasting my lunch hour surfing the Web, checking football stats, I put on some mellow music and I meditated.
- Claire Dunphy: Wow! For how long?
- Phil Dunphy: I have no idea. I just woke up twenty minutes ago.
- Phil Dunphy: You know what? We're gonna make this fun - turn it into a game. Whoever stays unplugged the longest wins.
- Claire Dunphy: Not what I had in mind, Phil.
- Alex Dunphy: What do we win?
- Phil Dunphy: What do you want?
- Alex Dunphy: I want a new computer.
- Phil Dunphy: Done!
- Claire Dunphy: We're gonna get them off of electronics with the promise of more electronics?
- Luke Dunphy: I want chicken pot pie!
- Phil Dunphy: And chicken.
- Haley Dunphy: I want a car.
- Claire Dunphy: No way!
- Phil Dunphy: Done!
- Haley Dunphy: I'm getting a car!
- Phil Dunphy: Yeah! Fun, right?
- Claire Dunphy: No, no, no! Phil, we cannot afford a third car!
- Phil Dunphy: Relax, they're never gonna last as long as us!
- Claire Dunphy: Oh, honey, don't take this the wrong way, but I have almost no faith in you.
- Alex Dunphy: How am I supposed to do my homework?
- Claire Dunphy: The way I did.
- Phil Dunphy: With a chisel and a piece of stone.
- Claire Dunphy: Phil...
- Phil Dunphy: Can't unplug my funny bone.
- Manny Delgado: Jay, I have learned a few things in my 12 years. Don't skimp on linens. Don't compliment a teacher on her figure. And when it comes to my mom, never ask questions I don't want the answers to.
- Mitchell Pritchett: [on the phone with Claire] Hey, it's me. What's a good preschool?
- Claire Dunphy: Uh... Well, our kids went to Wagon Wheel.
- Mitchell Pritchett: And it was good? You liked it?
- Claire Dunphy: Oh, well, you know my kids are middle management material at best. We didn't want to waste a lot of money. Yes, Mitchell, it's good. Why the interest?
- Mitchell Pritchett: I just realized all of Lily's friends are going to school this year, and now she's late.
- Claire Dunphy: Don't worry, she can wait another year. Just -
- [looks at her family absorbed by their electronics]
- Claire Dunphy: -buy her a Blackberry. That's all she's gonna want to do anyway.
- Cameron Tucker: What did she say?
- Mitchell Pritchett: She says to buy her a BlackBerry.
- Cameron Tucker: [Yelling to the phone] Lily doesn't have the dexterity for that, Claire!
- Cameron Tucker: Disabled interracial lesbians with an African kicker?
- Mitchell Pritchett: Did not see that coming.
- Haley Dunphy: So you're actually online, right now?
- Phil Dunphy: Yep!
- Haley Dunphy: Well then I hate to break it to you, Daddy, but you lose!
- Claire Dunphy, Phil Dunphy: What?
- Haley Dunphy: This isn't my phone! I carved it out of a bar of soap and colored it in with a marker!
- [tosses the 'phone' to Claire]
- Claire Dunphy: Phil, she carved a phone out of a bar of soap.
- Haley Dunphy: [Squealing] I can't believe that I'm getting a car!
- Phil Dunphy: Holy crap, we've been Shawshanked.