Robin Williams: Weapons of Self Destruction (2009 TV Special)

Robin Williams: Self

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Quotes 

• Robin Williams : We're a heavily medicated society. All the drugs we take: Prozac, Effexor, Valium. I thought for the last ten years, we've been on some weird fucking drug - the whole country - called "Fukitol."

  [laughter] 

  Robin Williams : What a weird fucking drug. And we're just coming out of it and we're kind of waking up.

  [cheers and applause] 

  Robin Williams : Fuckin' A! It's weird. It's like you're going "last thing I remember was the economy was working and there was a budget surplus." Yeah! "Where's Clinton?" We impeached him. "Fuck!"

  [laughter] 

  Robin Williams : "For what?" A blowjob. "Wow! Who did he blow, Putin?"

  [laughter] 

  Robin Williams : No! No, he got blown by a Jewish girl. "Wow! He got head from a Jewish girl? Fuckin' A! And they impeached him for that?" Well, he lied about it. "He's married! Who wouldn't? What the fuck?"

  [laughter] 

  Robin Williams : No, he lied about it to Congress. "And THOSE fuckers impeached him? That's like a group of lepers judging a beauty contest. What the fuck?"

  [laughter] 

  Robin Williams : "Wow, that's nuts!" And then they acquitted him. "Oh, cool. And who was president next? Gore?" No, Bush. "He was already president!" No, this was his son. "Oh, the one from Florida. He's kinda cool." No, the one from Texas. "JUNIOR? Fuck! My God, he... the one who traded Sammy Sosa?" Fuck yeah! "How was he as president?" Kinda goofy. "Really?" He waved at Stevie Wonder.

  [laughter] 

  Robin Williams : "What the fuck!" It's like, "Wow! And then what did he do?" Well, he took a lot of vacations. "And then what happened?" We got attacked. "By who?" Osama bin Laden. "That guy from Afghanistan? Didn't we used to send him weapons?" Yeah, I know! "We went after him, right?" Yeah. "Did we get him?" Almost.

  [laughter] 

  Robin Williams : "Well, what do you mean 'almost'?" Well, we went after Hussein, because he had weapons of mass destruction. "That guy from Syria. I knew that fuck would do this." No, the one from Iraq. "SADDAM Hussein? Bush Sr. kicked his ass!" Yeah, he did! "And we got him?" Oh, fuck, we got him. "And we found the weapons of mass destruction? Cause he would tell you where they are." Well, they executed him. "Fuck off! And did you get bin Laden?" Almost. We got four of his number threes. "Okay. But he's in Afghanistan." Maybe. He might be in Pakistan. "Well, let's go after him in Pakistan!" Well, there's a problem there. They're allies, and they have weapons of mass destruction. "Oh, no! What about the economy?" Well, we had to bail out the banks. "Again?" Fuck, yeah! "And now, who's the president?" A black guy. "Oh, yeah right." Yeah, there's a black president and a Latino on the Supreme Court. "There is? Oh, my God! Who's the president? Jesse Jackson?" No, his name is Barack Hussein Obama. "Now you're fucking with me!"

  [laughter] 

• Robin Williams : Texting and driving at the same time is like jerking off and juggling at the same time. Too many balls in the air, if you catch my drift.

• Robin Williams : [about the 2008 financial crisis]  In the midst of all this, there was Bernie Madoff. An embezzler named "made off". Hmm... Was the name not a clue?

  [laughter] 

  Robin Williams : Did he have to be with the accounting firm of Dewey, Fuckyou, and Howe?

  [laughter] 

• Robin Williams : I have a GPS in my car. I was driving across the Golden Gate Bridge, I was halfway across, and all of a sudden the car went "take a right turn."

  [laughter] 

  Robin Williams : "What? No can do, HAL. Not that depressed, really." And the car went "Really, Robin? I saw Bicentennial Man."

  [laughter] 

  Robin Williams : "Shut the fuck up!"

  [laughter] 

  Robin Williams : "Damn you!"

• Robin Williams : If you have an older relative living with you that has dementia, and the telemarketers are calling, put her on the phone with the telemarketers.

  [laughter and applause] 

  Robin Williams : It works! After two hours, she thinks she's talking to your long-lost cousin Carl, and the fucking telemarketers will NEVER call back again.

  [laughter] 

• Robin Williams : [about alcoholics]  We're moody little motherfuckers, too. We'll be like "Goddamn it, man. I love you. I'll fucking kill you! Step outside, I'll kick my ass. Goddamn it, let's do this! Poor me. Goddamn poor me. Poor me... another drink."

• Robin Williams : If you've ever thought of jumping off of a tall building, there was a guy who jumped off the Golden Gate Bridge. He survived, and he said this, he said "halfway down, I thought it was a bad idea."

• Robin Williams : [about people who rebuild their homes every year after a hurricane]  I can't give them shit, I live in California. I live on God's Etch-A-Sketch. It's crazy.

• Robin Williams : You walk into their room. My son has four screens going simultaneously. He's got a game on here, he's playing a movie over here, he's also downloading, he's texting, he's got all this stuff going, and people go "that's ADD." And I go, "bullshit, he's multitasking. Fuck off."

  [laughter] 

• Robin Williams : A Mormon giving marital advice is like the Octo-mom running a Planned Parenthood clinic.

  [laughter] 

  Robin Williams : And if the answer to "Who's your daddy?" is multiple choice, come with me, my friend.

  [laughter] 

• Robin Williams : Some things you may want to stay away from while drinking heavily. Ebay, not a good idea. Ebay and alcoholism, perfect storm of addiction. You'll find yourself up to your ass in George Foreman grills and Sham Wows.

  [laughter] 

  Robin Williams : Another thing you don't want to do while really drunk is get a tattoo. I did. I got really loaded, I got a tattoo in Mandarin that says "happiness and laughter" right here. I think it says that. I've never had a Chinese person that close to my balls going

  [in exaggerated Chinese] 

  Robin Williams : "That's what it says."

  [laughter] 

  Robin Williams : But I had a friend get really fucked up, and he got a tattoo in Mandarin that's supposed to say "golden warrior", and a Chinese friend said

  [in exaggerated Chinese again] 

  Robin Williams : "No, it says 'ass monkey'."

  [laughter] 

  Robin Williams : Then the idiot went out and got drunk again, and got a tattoo in Hindu that was supposed to say "dawn of enlightenment." And a Hindu friend said

  [in exaggerated Hindu] 

  Robin Williams : "No, it says 'deliveries on Tuesday'."

  [laughter] 

  Robin Williams : So he is now the ass monkey who delivers on Tuesday for the rest of his life.

  [laughter] 

• [about the Tibetans demonstrating against the Olympics in China] 

  Robin Williams : The Chinese had accused the Tibetans of being terrorists, which is weird. A Tibetan terrorist is like an Amish hacker. It just doesn't fit.

• Robin Williams : In California, we are a sixty percent Hispanic state, we elected an Austrian governor. Even old Nazis are going "That's weird."

• Robin Williams : As an alcoholic, you will violate your standards quicker than you can lower them. You will do shit that even the Devil would go "dude..."

• Robin Williams : I Googled the word "corkscrew", it said "did you mean 'cocksucker'?"

  [laughter] 

  Robin Williams : No!

  [pause] 

  Robin Williams : [in thoughtful consideration]  But while you're there...

  [laughter] 

• Robin Williams : The hurricanes have been getting bigger and fucking bigger. And they usually give them names that don't really inspire fear. Like "Hurricane Terrence" does not inspire fear. It just sounds like a slightly gay hurricane.

  [laughter] 

  Robin Williams : "Where are you going?"

  Robin Williams : [in a stereotypical gay voice]  I might go to Boca, I might go to South Beach, I don't know. All I know is blowing is involved.

  [laughter] 

• Robin Williams : You know the difference between a tornado and divorce in the South? Nothing. Someone's losing a trailer, number one.

  [laughter] 

• Robin Williams : If you have a parrot, do not leave them in the bedroom. They hear everything. All of a sudden, you'll have guests over for dinner and the parrot will go "not the ass!"

  [laughter] 

  Robin Williams : [feigning laughter]  Woah! Petey! He's been watching porn again!

  [laughter] 

  Robin Williams : "Fuck me, Teddy! Fuck me hard!"

  [laughter] 

  Robin Williams : [feigning laughter again]  Honey, who's Teddy?

  [laughter] 

• Robin Williams : If you want comedy, there is always Sarah Palin.

  [laughter] 

  Robin Williams : God bless. She is wonderful. Sarah is a self-opening piñata. She is a gift.

  [laughter] 

  Robin Williams : How did they find her? Was it Project Running Mate? Is that how they got her?

  [laughter] 

  Robin Williams : Did Ronald Reagan have a kid with Vanna White and drop it off in Alaska?

  [laughter] 

  Robin Williams : And it was raised by wolves, and that's why she hunts them?

  [pantomimes holding a hunting rifle] 

  Robin Williams : "You're not my dad! You're not my dad!"

  [laughter] 

  Robin Williams : And she says amazing things, like "I know about Russia because I can see it from my backyard."

  [laughter] 

  Robin Williams : You have super vision, number one. And I can see San Quentin from my backyard, but that doesn't qualify me on prison reform. What the fuck?

  [laughter] 

  Robin Williams : And, it's incredible, too. She said "polar bears are not endangered. They're just unlucky." Oh, really? And who knew Katie Couric was the cutting edge of journalism, with ambush questions like "what do you read?"

  [laughter] 

  Robin Williams : "Well, that's a trick question." Not if you read, no.

• [about George W. Bush's presidential library] 

  Robin Williams : They've already talked about making it very interactive, which I think is code for "not so many books."

  [laughter] 

  Robin Williams : And I hope they have some of his great quotes on the walls, like "A lot of our imports come from other countries."

  [laughter] 

  Robin Williams : Yes! "The question that's never asked: is our children learning?" Didn't know that. "People misunderestimate me." That's not even a fucking word!

• Robin Williams : There was a guy in the South who said "They should have NASCAR in the Olympics." And it was like "mmm hmm." At that moment, even Darwin was going "Come with me."

  [laughter] 

  Robin Williams : "This is the ascent of Man. You stand here."

  [laughter] 

• Robin Williams : People go "now, Robin, how do I know if I'm an alcoholic?" Well as one, let me give you some warning signs. Number one, after a night of heavy drinking, you wake up fully clothed going "hey! Somebody shit in my pants!"

  [laughter] 

  Robin Williams : Number two, you have a couple of cocktails, you find yourself on the freeway going "what are these fuckers doing going the wrong way?"

  [laughter] 

  Robin Williams : Number two. Number three, you get drunk, you go out for Indian food, you wake up in Bombay with a camel licking your balls.

  [laughter] 

  Robin Williams : Ta da! You are an alcoholic! And some people say "Robin, I'm a *functioning* alcoholic!" Which is, you can be one. It's like being a paraplegic lap dancer.

  [laughter] 

  Robin Williams : You can do it, just not as well as the others, really.

• Robin Williams : They say the platypus was an animal designed by committee. Was the human body designed by committee? Was there a group of guys who designed it? Was a guy going "Tom, do you have those designs for the human reproductive system?" I do, Ted. Let's show you what we came up with. Normally, with the mammal penis, we have the retractable. We decided to do something different from the mammal... the male penis, the human. We call it the collapsible.

  [laughter] 

  Robin Williams : Kind of fun. And look at this: Murray came up with the idea of making the covering optional. Thank you, Murray. Way to go.

  [laughter] 

  Robin Williams : We take the covering off, it's a little sharp, a little pointy. We need something on the top to soften it up. Bob, what was your idea? "A mushroom cap."

  [laughter] 

  Robin Williams : Thank you, Bob. We put the mushroom cap on the top and it's kind of cool, because when it's retracted, it looks like a little toadstool. And when it's erect, like a little soldier. Thank you. And Tim put a piece of string up at the top. Thank you, Tim. I guess to tune it. Thank you, Tim. And we run the semen out the top, and urine through. We also run urine through there. We call it multitasking, or "cumming and going."

  [laughter] 

  Robin Williams : Kind of a fun concept. And initially, we just had the semen stored inside the penis itself, like a toothpaste tube. BTTHH.

  [blows rapsberry] 

  Robin Williams : Gone! So, we needed something to store it in, and produce it. What was your idea, Carl? "Nuts." Thank you, Carl.

  [laughter] 

  Robin Williams : Initially, we used walnuts. We've had good luck with those in the past. And the human males are going "We can't sneak up on the females." What? "Listen."

  [sound of nuts banging together] 

  Robin Williams : Got it! Forget the coconuts, let's try something different! Bob, what was your idea to replace them? "Balls." Balls! Who doesn't like balls? What fun. Initially, we used three balls. And here are some of the tests with the three balls. They were going everywhere. The male was like "playing with the balls, playing with the balls." And we went "we'd better put those in a bag."

  [laughter] 

  Robin Williams : So, we decided to make a bag. And the only thing we had lying around was some old turkey neck.

  [laughter] 

  Robin Williams : I said "use it!" Let's try it. So, uh... we put the balls in the turkey neck and, um... it's ugly.

  [laughter] 

  Robin Williams : I think, uh, yeah... next to the asshole, it's one of the uglier things we've made, really.

  [laughter] 

  Robin Williams : And we got some negative feedback from the females. They're going "We're not going down there unless you cover that up!" Okay. So we put some garnish around it.

  [laughter] 

  Robin Williams : And, uh... initially, we made the hair straight. The females? "My eyes!" Okay, curly. We put curly hair. And, um, initially we put the hair everywhere, even the top of the penis and, um... it looks like my uncle Phil.

• Robin Williams : Taking Viagra after open heart surgery is like a Civil War re-enactment with live ammo. Not good.

• [about Michael Phelps being taken off Frosted Flakes boxes after getting caught smoking weed] 

  Robin Williams : If you're basically having Frosted Flakes, and you're older than ten years old and it's after ten o'clock in the morning... I'm gonna guess: weed may be involved.

• Robin Williams : I have my morning coffee for two reasons. One, to kick start my brain, but number two, and more importantly, to jump start my colon.

  [laughter] 

  Robin Williams : More importantly. And the moment I have my morning coffee, it's like "Morning, everybody."

  [pause] 

  Robin Williams : "FIRE IN THE HOLE!"

  [laughter] 

  Robin Williams : "Son, open the bathroom door! I don't care if you're rubbing one out. I've got to drop a résumé!"

• Robin Williams : You've got to cut W. some slack, man. He comes from a family where the smart brother is named "Jeb," number one.

  [laughter] 

  Robin Williams : And he had a wicked coke problem. And why did he have to stop doing blow? 'Cause I believe one day he was like

  [pantomimes snorting cocaine] 

  Robin Williams : "Shit, my mom's on the dollar bill! God damn!

  [laughter] 

  Robin Williams : "Gotta cut this shit out!"

• Robin Williams : [about his heart surgery]  The drug they gave me for the surgery was a drug called Propofol. Which... its nickname is milk of amnesia. Fucking insane drug. I had that in a surgical situation. Michael Jackson was taking Propofol at home to sleep. Fuck off!

  [laughter] 

  Robin Williams : A doctor said taking Propofol to sleep is like doing chemotherapy because you're tired of shaving your fucking head.

  [laughter] 

• Robin Williams : Baby, were your parents retarded, 'cause you sure are special...

• Robin Williams : Cheney shot a man in the face hunting quail. I don't know about East coast quail, but California quail are this fucking big.

  [indicates a position about a foot above the stage floor] 

• Robin Williams : We still have comedy, though. We still have great comedy out there. There's always ramblin' Joe Biden. What the fuck? Joe says shit that even people with Tourette's go "no."

  [laughter] 

• Robin Williams : They say Bob Dylan is going to be making a GPS.

  [laughter] 

  Robin Williams : I want that GPS.

• [after a bit about recycling and raccoons] 

  Robin Williams : I don't know why I made the raccoons Irish, but it works.

  [laughter] 

• Robin Williams : There was one guy... one guy that had an amazing claim to fame, in terms of drugs in sport. His name was Doc Ellis. And Doc Ellis did an incredible thing. The one person who knows, thank you.

  [laughter] 

  Robin Williams : Doc Ellis pitched a no-hitter on LSD. Those of you who have taken LSD, tell the others how hard that might be.

  [laughter] 

  Robin Williams : If I took LSD, I'd be talking to every blade of grass, like

  [tiptoes across the stage] 

  Robin Williams : "Sorry! Sorry! Sorry!"

• [about polygamists] 

  Robin Williams : Even if you married a blind and a deaf woman, they *will* fucking communicate!

  [laughter] 

  Robin Williams : And they will work out that *you* are the asshole!

• Robin Williams : When they named a hurricane "Hurricane Ike", I went "finally, they have the balls to name a hurricane after a crack smoking, wife beating motherfucker."

• Robin Williams : I miss human contact even on the phone for directory assistance it's like "City and state please". Washington D.C. "What would you like?" Constitution Hall. "Did you say Kennedy Center?" No, Constitution Hall. "Did you say Cogressional Ball?" No!. It starts to become like the miracle worker. Constitution Hall. "Did you say cocksucker?" No I didn't say cocksucker! "Would you like to talk to a person?" Fuck yes! "If you'd like to talk to a person press one"

  [He acts like he is dialing on a phone] 

  Robin Williams : Beep! "If you'd like to speak to someone in English press two" Beep! "Are you sure you don't want to talk to someone in spanish? Press three" Beep! "Press four if you'd like to move to the next menu" Beep! "Press five if you're getting somewhat irritated" Beep! "Press six if you're my bitch" Beep! "Press seven. You know you want to" Beep! "Press eight daddy. Do it" Beep! "Press nine!" Beep! "What are the chances of talking to a real person? Zero! press it!" Beep! Beep! Beep! BEEEEEEP!

  [He begins talking in an indian accent] 

  Robin Williams : Hello did you want to talk to a real person?

• Robin Williams : Is it rude to Twitter during sex? To go "omg, omg, wtf, zzz"? Is that rude?

  [laughter] 

• Robin Williams : The moment the Pope dies, they take him through St. Peter's Basilica, and fifty thousand cell phones are like

  [pantomimes the clicking sounds of camera phones] 

  Robin Williams : And I'm sure that was his last wish. "When I die, I want to be a screensaver."

  [pantomime death rattle] 

• Robin Williams : It's nice to be in Washington, where the buck stops here. Way to go. And then it's handed out to AIG and many other people.

• Robin Williams : The acting in porn movies is always so bad. There's always that one girl who's like

  [pantomimes] 

  Robin Williams : It's not Miss America! Stay with the dick! What are you doing?

  [laughter] 

  Robin Williams : And why do they always have to have such bad actors, who are always like "I'm going to fuck you... so hard..." Even my right hand is going "I don't believe you."

  [laughter] 

  Robin Williams : But there are scripts! There are scripts for porn movies! Somebody's writing this stuff, going

  [pantomimes typing on a typewriter] 

  Robin Williams : "I'm going to fuck you so hard..."

  [pause; pantomimes writer thinking] 

  Robin Williams : "... you little whore."

  [pantomimes pulling sheet out of typewriter] 

  Robin Williams : "Okay, that's it for today."

  [laughter] 

  Robin Williams : And then they're on a porn movie set, going "I'm going to fuck you... LINE!"

  [laughter] 

  Robin Williams : "Fuck you hard, you little whore." Thank you! I just need a moment!

• Robin Williams : And it's not bad enough that they make porn movies, they make porn movies of MY movies. They made "Good Will Humping." It's okay. "Wet Dreams May Cum," all right. "Snatch Adams"? That was scary. A clown with a strap-on. Fuck off! You know, "Popeye", I would watch.

  [laughter] 

• Robin Williams : And what's W. doing now? He's a motivational speaker.

  [laughter] 

  Robin Williams : It's kind of cool. It's kind of like having Lindsay Lohan as a guidance counselor.

  [laughter] 

• [pantomimes playing with breasts] 

  Robin Williams : Okay, nipples, that's all!

  [laughter] 

  Robin Williams : We thought the female will be in charge of feeding the infant, too. So we gave her six breasts, like a mammal. And the male was like

  [pantomimes playing with said breasts] 

  Robin Williams : Two hands, two tits! That's it!

  [laughter] 

  Robin Williams : So the female will carry the infant to term. And it will come out through the curtains. And they get wide. Like Broadway. And she will also feed the infant. The male will "assist."

  [laughs] 

  Robin Williams : But we do have one major design flaw. We've tried to wire the penis to the conscience, and it keeps short-circuiting.

  [laughter] 

• Robin Williams : There's a syndrome called "restless leg syndrome". What the fuck is that, a tendency to break out into Riverdance?

  [laughter] 

  Robin Williams : [dancing across the stage]  Like "Oh, dear Christ! Grandma's got fucking restless leg syndrome! Take care, kids, I'm on my way to Dublin! Take care!"

• Robin Williams : I think that after you get married a third time you have to give up a body part. Larry King would just be a head on a fucking stick

• Robin Williams : I know many of you have been looking for Sarah Palin's book; it is a bitch to find. Good luck.

  [laughter] 

  Robin Williams : I found it somewhere between fiction and non-fiction in the fantasy aisle.

  [laughter] 

• Robin Williams : Do you get the feeling with Sarah Palin, in high school, she was voted least likely to write a book and most likely to burn one?

  [laughter] 

• Robin Williams : I love the guys who say "I watch NASCAR for the racing." Yeah, and I watch porn for the acting. You LIAR!

  [laughter] 

• Robin Williams : The definition of insanity is repeating the same action expecting a different outcome. And we elected him the second time, the whole world went "what the fuck is going on with you people?"

  [laughter] 

• Robin Williams : [proposing the country elect Jack Nicholson as president]  You will never have a sex scandal with Jack, because he has fucked EVERYONE.

  [laughter] 

  Robin Williams : [in Jack Nicholson impression]  "I had Angelina Jolie and then afterwards, she adopted me."

  [laughter] 

• Robin Williams : The definition of pornography is quite simple. Erotic is using a feather, pornography is using the entire chicken.

  [laughter] 

  Robin Williams : Which is weird. And I've been watching a little bit of porn since I've been on the road.

  [raises his hand and "speaks" through it, a la a ventriloquist dummy] 

  Robin Williams : "A little?"

  Robin Williams : [pushes his hand down] 

  Robin Williams : Shut up.

  [laughter] 

  Robin Williams : And with porn movies, they don't have "Cumming Attractions," 'cause if it was, you'd be like "Oh, done! Thank you, fine."

  [laughter] 

  Robin Williams : With porn movies, when you're watching them, it's basically they're an hour and a half long. And who watches an entire fucking porn movie?

  [off audience reaction] 

  Robin Williams : One guy up there going "I do!"

• Robin Williams : And now, we're trying to get off the petroleum titty. It's like we're trying to kick it. And how are we doing this? Well, we're looking for alternative fuels. Some of the alternative fuels are a hydrogen powered car. Cool idea. If you're thinking of a hydrogen powered car, I have one word for you: Hindenburg. Good luck.

  [laughter] 

  Robin Williams : A more interesting gas, and a lot more fun, is helium. Number one, with helium, you can float over the potholes. And, if you get into an accident, you get out of the car with road rage going

  [in exaggerated high-pitched voice] 

  Robin Williams : "I'm gonna kick your ass!"

  [laughter] 

  Robin Williams : "What? Oh, my God! I've got a fuel leak. How weird is that? I can't kick your ass, I sound like a chipmunk! This is nuts!"

• Robin Williams : "I watch NASCAR for the racing", yeah, and I watch porn for the acting, *you liar!*

  [laughter] 

• Robin Williams : If there was a pill that allowed you to drink and not get drunk, an alcoholic would go "What happens if you take two?"

• Robin Williams : Like "Hey, how are you?"

  [laughter] 

  Robin Williams : So we, uh, just went with a topiary thing. Which was kind of fun. And then the females went "We'll go down there now." Thank you, ladies. Thank you. Which is cool, because you can start the penis orally, thank you. Uh, manually. Thank you, Manuel, for finding that out. Uh, finger in the ass? Ted found that out. He said it was an accident.

  [feigns laugh] 

  Robin Williams : Kidder. And if you play with the balls, the penis likes that. It's kind of fun. But we did find out one negative thing about the balls. If you hit them really hard... it's a total system reset.

  [laughter] 

  Robin Williams : It's like...

  [hand movement] 

  Robin Williams : If it was a slot machine, it would pay. It was kind of rough. But that's essentially the design for the penis. Initially, we gave the male about eight hundred sperms, and those were gone in a millisecond. And now we give him eight to nine billion, and he shoots them everywhere.

  [laughter] 

  Robin Williams : Tits, drapes. We found some on the ceiling; those are the overachievers. We hope some make it to the vagina. It terms of the vagina, Carl's in charge of the vagina project. Carl, what did you come up with? "Well, normally, with the mammal vagina, you have the genital slit or opening. We decided to accessorize it." Well, what did you accessorize it with, Carl? "Curtains."

  [laughter] 

  Robin Williams : We just thought it makes it less of an opening and more of a show, really. Kind of... and we had some old lips lying around. We said "Try those! Let's give it a go!" And initially, we made it horizontal and, um... the damn thing talks.

  [laughter] 

  Robin Williams : It was weird. And the first time it talked, the males are going "I'm not going down there if it talks! I've already got one opinion up here! I don't need a second one." Fine. So now we made it vertical, and now it just farts.

  [laughter] 

  Robin Williams : And the first time in the world, it went.

  [pantomime horse whinny] 

  Robin Williams : Easy, big fella! And the asshole got offended, saying "That's my job!" Okay, hold on. Yours will smell, not to worry. Not to worry." But we needed something kind of special. One last little thing that would really work. And Clint came up with a brilliant idea.

  [laughter] 

  Robin Williams : I think we're going to name it... it's kind of wonderful. Clint, what was your idea? "A doorbell." Thank you, Clint. You ring the doorbell, the curtains open, it's kind of fun. Some guys can't find it, others don't know when to stop ringing it. But you ring the doorbell, the curtains open, the penis goes inside. And Tom worked out some choreography for the balls. It's kind of fun. That's really...

  [pantomimes] 

  Robin Williams : It gets everything ready to go. And the sperms fly out up into the human female. She carries the egg. Normally, we gave it... we first tried giving the egg to the male; he kept losing it.

  [laughter] 

  Robin Williams : We went "Fine!" We gave it to the female, she carries it. And we thought the male will be in charge of feeding the infant. We gave the male two basic breasts, and the male was like