- Ron Swanson: Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day. Don't teach a man how to fish and you feed yourself. He's a grown man; fishing's not that hard.
- [stalling for time during telethon]
- Leslie Knope: Okay, my second favorite episode? Monica's making dinner, and Joey is mad at Chandler because Chandler made out with his girlfriend. So Joey says, "Get in the box." Oh, I forgot to tell you: there's a box. Oh, and it's Thanksgiving Day, so they get ready to eat. What is Ross and Rachel doing? Oh, they're fighting. So Ross, Rachel, Joey, Chandler, Monica, and Phoebe are all together, although is Phoebe there?
- [long pause]
- Leslie Knope: Yes, so...
- Leslie Knope: I will now drink 8 glasses of milk in 3 minutes.
- Ann Perkins: [runs onstage] Nope! No you won't, no you won't because if you do that, you will die.
- Leslie Knope: Oh.
- Leslie Knope: I stayed up all night last night making these!
- Tom Haverford: You stayed up all night, the night before an all night telethon?
- Joan Callamezzo: Diabetes: yuck! Tonight, we're hoping the people of Pawnee dig their big, chubby hands into their plus-sized pockets and donate generously.
- Martin Housely: Weird, wacky stuff!
- Joan Callamezzo: [under her breath] Just stop it.
- Leslie Knope: No, what we're going to do is we're going to pull our pants down! That's what we're going to do. Everyone is going to pull their pants down for diabetes. Okay, on one, two...
- [screen cuts to a test pattern]
- Joan Callamezzo: You just love flashing your ass, don't you?
- Leslie Knope: When it's for a good cause, Joan.
- Leslie Knope: Sorry, I think I was a little tired when I told you that you should do that. I don't think that that's something Ann wants. Not on TV.
- Mark Brendanawicz: So that's why you pulled your pants down.
- Leslie Knope: Yeah. Wait, what did I do?