- Glenn Quagmire: [about the end of The Cleveland Show's first season] They made it through the whole season. Now can I have my own show, Peter?
- Peter Griffin: Quagmire, you're a rapist.
- Len Stein: Cleveland, I know how difficult this must be for you. Your ex-wife got everything in the divorce and gave it all to your dimwitted or possibly brilliant son.
- Len Stein: [to Cleveland] Now, you could contest the will and sue Junior for the money. In the law profession, we call that a dick move.
- Cleveland Brown Jr.: How was your shopping spree, Miss Donna?
- Donna Tubbs: It was great, Junior and thank you for letting me use your new Amex card. Cleveland only has a pre-paid debit card from Magic Johnson's bank.
- Cleveland Brown: Yeah, everyone thought they'd be gone years ago, but they're still kicking.
- Cleveland Brown: [to Cleveland Jr] Okay, enough of this bull crap. How much money did your mother leave you?
- Cleveland Brown Jr.: Well, I'm not allowed to tell you, but suffice it to say, it was substantial. With the sale of your deli, Mom's life-insurance policy and the reckless-homicide settlement I got from Peter Griffin, I did just fine. Apparently, to pay for it, Mr. Griffin had to get a series of new jobs. I didn't see it, but I heard it was hilarious.
- Cookie Brown: Now, Cleveland, I know your father and I have had our problems, but those days are behind us.
- Cleveland Brown: So you're just gonna forget about the Waffle House waitresses and the JetBlue stewardesses and Greta Van Susteren?
- Roberta Tubbs: Junior, you need my help. No one knows more about weddings than I do. I even saw most of "Bride Wars" until my body shut down to protect itself.
- Roberta Tubbs: [to Cookie] Look, I'll tell you the same thing I told my P.E. teacher, Miss Rayborn: Look at them all you want, but if you try to touch them, I will take a bat to your hairy knees.
- Cookie Brown: Mm. Lord help these children today.
- Cleveland Brown: [to Freight Train] Are you asking me to be your best man?
- LeVar 'Freight Train' Brown: Not if you're gonna be a crying little piss-pants about it.
- Cleveland Brown: I'm crying because I peed my pants.
- Cleveland Brown: [after Freight Train doesn't show up for the wedding] I'm sorry, Mom. Dad always treated you so terribly. He never deserved you. He's a son of a bitch.
- Cookie Brown: Oh, Cleveland, you don't know your father as well as I do. Whenever I needed something fixed around the house, he'd be there. And when I was feeling low, he'd fry some fish for me. And well, I know you're my son, but my word, that man can tag it, bag it and sell it to the butcher.
- Cleveland Brown: Mm, okay.
- Cookie Brown: We've been having booty calls for years, so I finally said, "Lavar, if you wanna keep hitting this, you better put a ring on it."
- Cleveland Brown: Please stop talking.
- Cleveland Brown: Mom's gonna catch a bus in 15 minutes.
- LeVar 'Freight Train' Brown: Aw, hell, no. She's gonna be riding on the Freight Train. I'm gonna tear your mama up.
- Cleveland Brown: What's up with you and Mom talking to your child that way? Both of you.