- Shawn Spencer: Hello, Mr. Waring. My name is Shawn Spencer, well-known psychic detective. This is my associate Burton Guster.
- Burton Guster: *Now* you want to use my real name?
- Carlton Lassiter: I want you to listen to me, O'Hara. And believe this, because I mean it from the bottom of my heart. All romance ends in despair. Or death, but mostly despair. Gut-wrenching despair. And I'm-I-I hate to say this, but I'm actually happy that this happened because now you know. And it's just going to make you a better cop to realize that all people are essentially just out there to destroy any chance of happiness you will ever have.
- [Long pause]
- Carlton Lassiter: I feel a hug coming on.
- Scott Seaver: Do you guys always disagree like this?
- Shawn Spencer: [Simultaneously] Not always.
- Burton Guster: [Simultaneously] Always.
- Carlton Lassiter: Turns out Juliet's boyfriend was working for a company owned by the infamous J.T. Waring.
- Burton Guster: Nope.
- Shawn Spencer: Come on, Gus, she wrote all the Harry Potters.
- Burton Guster: That's J.K. Rowling, Shawn.
- Carlton Lassiter: J.T. Waring is a Los Angeles mobster, went down for racketeering a few years ago.
- Shawn Spencer: What's racketeering?
- Carlton Lassiter: Nobody knows.
- Shawn Spencer: Could you ask those people to *not* do those things to Scott?
- J.T. Waring: Perhaps. What's in it for me?
- Shawn Spencer: How about I bake you a cake that's extra high in... iron?
- [Raises eyebrows]
- J.T. Waring: I have a far less ridiculous counter-proposal for you.
- Shawn Spencer: Gus, it was a tricky find. I want all the glory for solving Jules' case. Besides, I'm the one that does this.
- [Puts hand to head]
- Shawn Spencer: Wouldn't it be weird if you did it all of a sudden?
- Burton Guster: I think it's weird when anyone does it.
- Shawn Spencer: I think it looks pretty sweet when Simon Baker does it.
- Burton Guster: Simon Baker doesn't do it.
- Shawn Spencer: He doesn't?
- Burton Guster: No!
- Shawn Spencer: Huh. Well, at least we have that.
- Juliet O'Hara: Gus, what are you doing?
- Burton Guster: I-I'm a sympathetic crier.
- Juliet O'Hara: I'm not crying.
- Burton Guster: Everything you've said in the last two days has been wrong.
- Shawn Spencer: That's not true. I was right about Mr. T being an extra in "The Blues Brothers".
- Burton Guster: I will handle this in perfect stealth mode. You might not know this, but I'm known as the Vault of Secrets.
- Juliet O'Hara: No, no, I didn't know that.
- Juliet O'Hara: [on reconnecting with Scott] I feel like that scene in "Grease".
- Carlton Lassiter: After the bonfire? When Sandy sprung on Danny when he least expects it?
- [long pause]
- Carlton Lassiter: What? I can't see movies, too?
- Juliet O'Hara: That is spot on. With scary precision.
- Juliet O'Hara: He had this connection through his late grandfather's office, with the mayor, and he actually got us Super Bowl tickets! Thirty-five yard line!
- Shawn Spencer: Super bow...
- [Shawn sees Gus and Lassiter hiding behind a tree, spying on them]
- Juliet O'Hara: It was the most exciting night of my life.
- Shawn Spencer: [smiling, but pointed] Get out of here! You *and* your black friend! Get out of here!
- Henry Spencer: You sat there and ate Munchos while I called my contacts in Sacramento.
- Shawn Spencer: I was on the missing persons website.
- Henry Spencer: The band Missing Persons.
- Burton Guster: Are you sure it's cool for us to be in the chief's office?
- Carlton Lassiter: Of course it is, I practically run this place.
- Shawn Spencer: All right...
- Carlton Lassiter: Hit the deck!
- [All crouch under the table]
- Carlton Lassiter: [whispering] It's the biscuit lady.
- [cart passes]
- Carlton Lassiter: [gets up] All right, we're good.
- [Gus stares at Lassiter]
- Carlton Lassiter: I owe her eighty cents. And I... I kind of made out with her at the department picnic.
- Carlton Lassiter: Get down!
- [Pulls Shawn and Gus under the table]
- Shawn Spencer: That was a dude.
- Burton Guster: That must have been some crazy picnic.
- J.T. Waring: Do you understand about honor, Mr. Spencer?
- Shawn Spencer: Of course I do. I have a bootleg copy of "Saving Private Ryan" at home.
- Carlton Lassiter: Here's the thing, O'Hara: You haven't seen this guy in, like, seven years. You're both entirely different people. The only way you'll know anything is if you get to know each other again. Everything else is pure speculation. It's like... like wondering what would have happened if Kenickie had driven down Thunder Road.
- Juliet O'Hara: Are we still on "Grease"?
- Carlton Lassiter: We never weren't.
- Shawn Spencer: [to his attacker, after jumping to his feet from his back] Dude, did you see what I just did?
- Shawn Spencer: Here's the thing: I think Scott was murdered, robbed. The killer thinks the coast is clear. He's finally selling off his belongings.
- [Knocks on door]
- Burton Guster: So all we have to do is find the seller.
- Shawn Spencer: We just did!
- Burton Guster: What?
- Shawn Spencer: Ooh.
- Burton Guster: You just knocked on the door of a murderer and all you can say is, "Ooh?"
- Shawn Spencer: I should have thought about it in my head before I said it out loud, but I wanted a fun reveal. For you!
- Burton Guster: Shawn!
- Shawn Spencer: I'm sure any of us would have done the same in his place.
- Burton Guster: No, we wouldn't. Remember when you saw that accident and then you pretended to be blind?
- Shawn Spencer: That's different. Our movie was going to start in eight minutes. Why would you bring that up?
- Shawn Spencer: [British accent] Look... Scott Seaver worked for you for two years. He had no beef with you.
- Burton Guster: Why are you talking in an accent?
- Shawn Spencer: I'm speaking this man's language.
- Burton Guster: The man's language is English.
- Carlton Lassiter: I want you to know, you have my blessing.
- Juliet O'Hara: For what?
- Carlton Lassiter: To consumate your relationship with Scott.
- Juliet O'Hara: Whoa, Carlton!
- Carlton Lassiter: I just meant that, should this thing work out, this guy's okay in my book. Look, I dont get to be a confidant all that often - ever, for anybody, because people don't really talk to me. So I... I wanted to give this careful consideration. And, after a thorough background check and an unauthorized blood test, I get what you see in this guy.
- Shawn Spencer: Couldn't they have convicted him with the bullet?
- Scott Seaver: No, it-the bullet went right through the guy.
- Burton Guster: And they never found it. Didn't you read the trial transcript?
- Shawn Spencer: Pfft. Yeah, Gus, it was right at the top of my To Don't list.
- Burton Guster: This is your fix, Shawn? The man is a convicted murderer, he's going to have us killed!
- Shawn Spencer: Gus, don't be the "iiiit!" in "Wait for iiiit!" This is going to work great.
- J.T. Waring: Look, Mr Spencer... sometimes things happen without my knowledge. People on the outside want to do things for me whether I ask them to or not. I have that kind of effect on people.
- Shawn Spencer: 'Course they do, you're super cool.
- Burton Guster: Shawn!
- Shawn Spencer: What?
- Shawn Spencer: My God, he's convincing!
- Burton Guster: Convincing? He's a criminal!
- Shawn Spencer: Yes. But he has a great head. And a real presence. There's something very Billy Zanian about him.
- Burton Guster: You and Billy Zane are the only ones who use that term.
- Burton Guster: I'm just saying, the door's been sitting here for five years untouched. There's decay.
- Shawn Spencer: Decay? This isn't "Planet of the Apes", Gus.
- Shawn Spencer: Gus, get down there. Be the body.
- Burton Guster: I'm not laying on the floor!
- Shawn Spencer: Come on, man, I'm onto something.
- Burton Guster: This is a two hundred and sixty dollar shirt.
- Shawn Spencer: You got that for eighteen bucks.
- Burton Guster: List price, Shawn.
- Shawn Spencer: You cannot quote list price!
- Scott Seaver: [watching Shawn use binoculars] You know those are backwards, right?
- Shawn Spencer: What?
- [turns binoculars around]
- Shawn Spencer: Oh, my... that makes all the difference in the world!
- Burton Guster: Shimmy up a little higher. And stop worrying about messing up your fingernails.
- Shawn Spencer: This thing is covered with sap, Gus. And you know I have very sensitive cuticles.
- Karen Vick: You've reached a new level of recklessness this week, and unfortunately, it has become necessary to issue you both formal reprimands.
- Shawn Spencer: On what grounds?
- Karen Vick: How about misuse of a federal database? Informing a convicted criminal that his accuser is out of protection? Trespassing? Agreeing to assist an incarcerated murderer?
- Shawn Spencer: These are crimes? What is this, North Korea?
- Burton Guster: I think they all are, except the last one, which is just poor judgment.
- Shawn Spencer: [after catching the criminal] Oh, boy. You're going to hide behind your little gun, huh? Come on, man, put that thing down. Take me on "mano a mano", huh? Just two dudes going at it. Two unevenly matched dudes, huh?
- Burton Guster: So, what happened?
- Shawn Spencer: Gave him the old "mano a mano" speech.
- Burton Guster: Did it work?
- Shawn Spencer: Not even sort of.
- Karen Vick: I don't mean to sound like a hard-ass...
- Juliet O'Hara: You didn't.
- Karen Vick: I did.
- Juliet O'Hara: I didn't get that at all.
- Karen Vick: Well, actually, I was *trying* to sound like a hard-ass.
- Juliet O'Hara: Mission accomplished!
- Shawn Spencer: [speaking into a bluetooth earpiece while driving] Well, Dad, thanks for trying. And bonus points for using the word 'jackass' in another conversation unironically.
- Burton Guster: You've been on the phone this whole time? So you haven't heard anything I've said?
- Shawn Spencer: The complaining? No, I heard the complaining.
- Burton Guster: We've been going the wrong direction for about two hours now, Shawn!
- Shawn Spencer: [up on a tree when a loud gunshot is heard] Guy with a gun! We need to go!
- [Gus and Scott start running away]
- Shawn Spencer: With me! You're supposed to bring me!